All work and no play

I have been working, what feels like constantly but really its just I haven't had two days in a row where I've had a break, so it feels like its constantly. Due to my situation I now drive to work, a ridiculous amount of gas and time is wasted getting to and from work, but I need the job and I'm not sure if transferring would be the better solution as I want to move closer to work and farther from here.

My sanity feels like its slowly imploding. How does one keep sane when everyone around them seems to have some issue that is flung their way. It's tiring being chipped away, being shattered all at once seems easier, there are pieces to put back together, but slowly just means there are pieces I can no longer find.

I think I expect more out of people than I should.

All in an evening

I seem to be having more good days recently. I needed it, all that stress and pain and sorrow and I was just waiting for the sun to come out and here it is glaring down at me at 70 degrees (21.1 for everyone else out there). Not that I'm complaining, I've needed a break in the storms.

I went back to the beach yesterday, later in the evening this time, swam for a bit while the kidlets played on the beach with my mother. She bought food before hand so swimming a great amount wasn't going to be the par for course but just being in the water was nice. She then took us to Safeway to buy some ice cream for the kidlets. While there I ran into an old classmate. I wouldn't call him a friend per say, we knew each other, we were mostly civil and so I suppose acquaintance would be a better word and yet I knew him better than that, what is there between friend and acquaintance? No matter, my mother went apeshit over him because she found him very attractive and I have to admit I cant disagree, he has become rather good looking, but my mother just wouldn't quit and I finally just told her I already had feelings for someone else. I dislike telling her such things, she asks questions and pushes for answers and then makes comments on things to suit herself, it's tiring, so I skirted the topic as much as possible.

Came home, showered and made my way to the bowling alley with The Shoulder. It was an interesting day but only because the dynamic seemed off. Everyone seemed content to be aay from each other so I spent the evening using skype on my phone. I have to say that skype is one of the worst apps Ive ever come into contact with. It's slow, freezes constant, has trouble adjusting when I turn my phone, the app is pretty poorly made, I've seen games that respond better.

The Shoulder and The Cat Lady had been skirting around going and being together in some manner and had been texting since we left the bowling alley so once we got home I practically pushed him back out the door, if he hadn't been my ride, he probably would have gone earlier.

Woke the next morning to the wonderful world of noise that three small children produce. The Shoulder's sister watches A Lug for him so she and I opened our eyes and looked at each other from the two facing couches and then got up. I don't mind staying up late and waking early but listening to three small children screaming near my face is not the way I want to do it.

The Shoulder and crew left and I got a phone call from my mom and the kids and I ended up at the beach again. I thought for sure I would be in the water the whole time but instead I went and


More sand in places by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

and burnt the hell out of my back playing in the sand. This one isn't as well done as the mermaid but that's okay, I was just having fun. I have to say though that some people really make me wish I could punch them in the face. Not even a moment after I was done snapping the pictures this kid came running up and stomped on it. Now granted children do things like that and he looked a bit sad like he had just miss stepped, what bothered me is his dad who came over:
"well it was nice, eh" and I just stared at him "well I guess he can play here now" I didn't mind so much about the kid but thats just ridiculous, clearly he could see I was working hard on this but instead of saying something to his child or asking his child to apologize he just brushed it aside. What is wrong with parents these days that they don't even bother to correct behavior.

Came home and made a cobbler and some tacos for dinner and sat down at my computer once the kids were in bed. It's amazing how boring a computer can be when you have nothing in particular to do on it. However, no matter how bored I was with it to begin with by the end of the evening I wished it had stayed boring.

My ex always said I was never happy with anything, that unless something was perfect I couldn't appreciate it and I'm beginning wonder if maybe he wasn't right. My boyfriend has done everything in his power to make me happy and yet I still found room to complain. I don't think I had an invalid complaint but I think maybe I use it as a way to push people away. Everyone gets tired of dealing with other peoples shit and if I just load on enough of it the person will leave, like everyone else. I only do it to people I want to be with too, how ridiculous is that, anyone else and I have no problem with the way they are, how they act, even if I care about them as a friend, I know I can walk away at any time, much like a babysitter. You aren't my child and so at the end of the day you can go home to your parent but what if you are my child, what if at the end of the day you are my child and I'm sitting here staring at you and wondering when you are going to leave me in the empty house. That is how it always feels, like I'm just waiting for people to walk away but the problem comes when I know I'm not going to want you to walk away, I'm going to hurt so badly when you do, which eventually you will. Maybe he will change this about me, maybe he will realize how to make believe.

The whole enchilada

So I haven't been on here as of late. It's been months and a lot has happened but I haven't been in the mood to write, honestly I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything and then I got sick, so... this place has been dead. I've felt dead. However I will work on getting a through a portion of updates on things because I have been making a list, in notepad, of all the things I would write if I had the energy or want to write them. This means this blog will either be very short because I crap out and become lazy after this explanatory paragraph or it will be balls to the wall long and most will have to read it in chunks over a long period of time, probably weeks, at which point the person will slowly lose interest and wish I had just stuck to being gone, and with that,in chronological order, let's begin.

Where to begin. We all remember the encounter of the Killer Toy Stair Dwellers and I spent a good portion of time sort of laid up in bed because my back hurt a great deal and because of that I did little to nothing for awhile. It was tiring and boring and I only got a small lapse of time before I was once again bed ridden but that part will come later.

Doing catching up blogs suck because then I have to go back and remind people of things and add in bits I might have forgotten before. So back in March at Bubbaloo's birthday party I had the mic set up so that he could chat with my sister and one thing lead to another and the mic was broken a bit. It still worked rather well, this thing was a trooper really, specially for just being a cheap one that came with an old web cam. This thing refused to die and so for another month or two I had no need to replace it. Eventually all things come to an end and it too saw it's final day but I had promised my sister a session of chatting with the kidlets and so I went to the store in hopes of finding a new microphone. I couldn't find one without a headset attached and in the end I settled for one more expensive than I had been thinking of but that could be used for both my PC and my 360. I was mostly swayed by the whole buy two games or add ons and get one free deal. I went through and eventually got the headset and two games, Fighter Unleashed and Bulletstorm. I have to say I'm not exactly happy with either of them, though both were fun, Bulletstorm had no replay value for me and the senors in Fighter Unleashed aren't sensitive enough and the kinect mistakes moves all the time. So long explanation is long but all this was leading up to the fact that with Bulletstorm there was a code for a trial of the Gears of War 3 beta.

The Beta would have been more awesome if I had a gold membership. I mean, I pay a good amount of money for games and then they expect me to pay to be able to do things like play those games with other people. This is just money I don't have. So usually I go without but I really really wanted to play the beta. I've been waiting for Gears 3 since I finished 2. I lamented to Lost and Found this and he offered me a code he had for 48 hours of gold membership which meant 48 hours of Gears Beta time. I very excitedly used my headset for the first time and played till bedtime then woke and played pretty much the entirety of the next day, seeing as I was still mostly bed ridden by this time I justified the action plus I was only going to get 48 hours to play because once the gold membership was over, I'm sure you get the picture. Unfortunately it had the adverse effect of making me want the game even more, though it's not out till September. I didn't realize how much fun gaming online really was, I've never really had gold before. At one point there was a fight over who got to marry me and a group of guys debating if I was a guy or a girl since I wasn't using my mic at that moment and when I eventually plugged it in and spoke they were all "Dude, it's a girl". As if girls don't like kicking alien ass.

I have to say that Mother's Day and Father's Day must be pretty depressing for a person, if you are divorced, till your child becomes a bit older. I mean usually your spouse does something with them that they then give you. Breakfast or help the child make a card, I'm just grateful my children are highly independent and creative. I was certain Mother's day would come and I would wake up feeling lonely and craptacular but instead I woke to a bowl of cereal with a side of toast, a really cutely made Mother's day drawing and a new video game to go to, compliments Brewski. I hadn't expect that. Usually you don't give something to someone who isn't your parent, you might wish someone well on that day but an actual present not so much. I think he realized that it was going to probably be a day I felt a bit depressed and he wanted to do something to help keep that from happening, it was an unexpected gesture of kindness. So downstairs I went and Portal 2 got a good run through. The kidlets love Portal so of course they wanted to play really badly. I have to say though, that I found Portal 2 less difficult than the first and once you run through the co-op once the replay value of that section isn't very good, it is however, a very fun game.

Roughly around the same time I got into an argument with my Dad. I should have just kept my mouth shut but it's tiring always hearing about how you are considered a failure because of the choices other people have made and you are credited for by association. We argued and then he told me the kids and I would have to leave before he came home. This caused a great many things to happen, the regulatory cleaning and packing and finding places for everyone to stay but also weird comments from friends and family. One such came from a friend who tried very hard to get me to agree to be a Green Card Bride. Now I don't know about you, and besides the fact that it's completely illegal, but I'm not in the habit of marrying someone just so they can stay in the US, not really sure why many people would want to stay in the US when there are other countries which might serve them better. Plus who knows who the other person might be. Abusive, neglectful, a terrorist. I'm good.

I started some drawings while laid up, most of which I didn't finish and I probably wont since I don't seem to be able to do so once I stop a project but I will post what I have here none the less, just a couple written things and some drawings:


Angel without wings by ~Katalalyn on deviantART


Slowly draining
by ~Katalalyn

If it was just one thing
I could handle it
I could disregard it
I could work it out
but its everything
and my shoulders are just not strong enough anymore
Like chipping away at me is some sort of game
It fascinates the universe
Why else would the chisels keep coming
Eventually you will crush even the crumbles of myself into dusk

And even so
Even as my mind slowly black holes on itself
Even though I'm lost in the woods of despair
Even as I stumble through the dark
I'm game
Come at me with all you've got
And I will fight till the last of my soul is broken


Called Mommy
by ~Katalalyn

I watch you and worry.
Everyday is filled with a slight dread I can't explain
As you've fallen and I've dried your tears
Pushed past the tantrums
Wanted for you all I never had
All of this for the sake of your happiness
And as you grow day by day
Leaving me one step behind on your way to you
A new little piece of me grows numb from the pain of realization
When you are grown you will no longer rush to my side
You wont throw your arms around me and ask for kisses
I will see in you the little one you used to be
Back when all the pain and sorry of my day
Was lifted by your chubby little smile
And you calling me Mommy.

http://fav.me/d3hvuia <--- a story I have yet to finish, I'm linking it because it's rather long and my blog is going to be long enough.



Yeah by ~Katalalyn on deviantART



and another flop by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

During this time I got a call from collections. I've never been to collections before. I try to be very careful with my money and make sure my stuff is paid off correctly instead of just whenever. I found out it was because Sprint had made a miscalculation and hadn't emailed me that I needed to pay the last bill, even though I had clearly asked about all that before. Oh well, I got it taken care of. My credit has become so terrible, I used to have really good credit, it makes me a bit sad.

So Lost and Found and I had been trying to get together to hang out before I left the house since neither of us was sure when it would happen otherwise and we kept having to put the weekend back. First it was a birthday party he forgot and then my friend Greggles from out of state coming in. We had a great time, we played Portal 2 and talked about random stuff, it was totally chill but well worth the time spent. Then I was offered hang out time with a friend I don't get to see often but then the ear infection happen.

I haven't had such a bad ear infection in a long time. I ran a fever of 108 and spent most of a week in bed feeling really terrible. I went into the free clinic, I was their very first patient as it was a brand new clinic. When they asked me if I had any other problems I said "I'm chronically accidental." The doctor had actually written it down before she realized what I meant and she proceeded to laugh uncontrollably. I got some meds and began to take them, I did feel better and thought I was going to make the weekend up in Bellevue but the day I was to go up I started feeling pretty terrible again. I ended up getting really sick again, so bad to the clinic I went. They brought me back to examine me and as the doctor looked into my ear she was all "what the shit" and I was all "I know right" and she went "you really haven't put anything in your ear" and I was all "no ma'am, that would be stupid, I want them to get better" and she stood there for a moment and went "well, lets try this other drug" and I went "yeah sure" and she goes "I really don't know what this stuff is" and I went "you know what, neither do I. It's like some alien entity zombie causing fucking bacteria. I'll be patient 0, they will call it the Virus" because I had some weird blue stuff in my ear. I was dumbfounded but more importantly the doctor was dumbfounded. It's never good when the doctor is dumbfounded. The new meds did clean it up but I think my hearing was slightly effected by the whole thing.

CSI and The British Man came down and we went to the beach with the kids and Brewski. CSI jumped in but thought the water was too nasty and wouldn't come back in. The British man swam with me to the buoy with me but after that was too tired to be in any more. The kids and I stayed in the water for a bit longer before we all headed off home. Everyone showered and changed. Baby Grr, CSI and I did weird terrible looking whore style make up, we played a game with balloons where each person had one and had to keep it in the air while trying to knock another person's to the ground before we all went for a walk. Across from the house is small fields of yellow flowering bushes. I love these flowers, even though I've never learned the name of them, they are everywhere here and you know summer has hit because the air is filled with their perfume. We walked through the paths between these fields and about halfway around I pulled off a bunch of flowers in my hand and began making it "rain" for the kids. In the end however we just spent a portion of time throwing flowers at one another and laughing as the pollen covered us and made us yellow. We got back and talked to The British Echo on skype.

Eventually Lost and Found did make it over, the weekend after CSI and The British Man in fact. He happened to come at the same time that my sister came again and so it was a bit weird but only because CSI is a bit weird around new people. I made lunch, at which point we decided to go to the beach even though it was rather cold, I was making pasta with bechamel sauce and I had the milk jug on the counter and while we were discussing the beach and how everyone should bring their swimming clothes and Lost and Found said he probably wouldn't go in and CSI said "I would think you would want to because you're legs probably look like this" and pointed to the jug of milk. Lost and Found looked terribly confused before I laughed and said "because they are so white". He got a good laugh out of it and for the rest of the day we called him Milk Jug Legs. We got to the beach, it was indeed cold but I jumped right in. Eventually the kids joined me but neither CSI or Lost and Found managed the courage and both pansied out.

The next couple of weeks was filled with lots of cleaning and trying to spend time with the kidlets. On one such occasion we played hopscotch after we found the chalk, it was fun teaching the kids how to play. It was slightly cloudy outside and there was an air show going on at the airport nearby and we got to see the planes as they flipped and dropped mid-air. However, this game we played continued on even as we got bored of it. Two hours worth of just one game.

A couple days into the cleaning I realized I was going to be left with all the mess from around the house. This was stressful but not really something I didn't feel I could handle, till the phone call came. It was the middle of the morning, I was cleaning the kitchen and there was string of phone calls from my parents and siblings. My parents were hoping to come that evening. I was floored and a bit freaked out. The house was extra messy because I had been so sick the weeks prior and so I was far behind if I wanted it clean before they came home. I called CSI and she offered to come help. Two hours later, CSI, The British Man and The English Weedwacker all showed up and helped pitch in to clean. We spent the better half of the day running around, moving things about, wiping things down. We got a phone call from the parental units in the late afternoon stating they would not be coming home till the next day. At that point we decided to take a break, a break which turned into a drinking fest. The boys tried to take a shot of tequila and wussied out because it was pretty crap tequila, I picked up one of the glasses and downed that sucker. They stared at me and I told them they probably couldn't do it even if they wanted to, at which point they of course were adamant that a woman wasn't going to beat them at this. They each took one and their faces were ridiculously hilarious, they were so annoyed that I didn't make the same ones. We drank till they were drunk, I was getting there, 9 shots will do that. The British Man threw up. I threw up but only because I was too far gone to realize had drank something like 6 glasses of water in a row, the liquid upset my stomach, I only threw up water. The English Weedwacker threw up the next morning. CSI didn't but she didn't have as much.

I woke up the next morning without a hang over and pretty cherry and then went back to cleaning. The boys left and the rest of us worked until the middle of the afternoon at which point the units arrived and we all scattered. The units drove off in one direction and CSI and I went in another, picked up some Mcdonald's, which I hate but we were starving, watched an episode of Bitchin' Kitchen:



a show which has inspired my sister to cook. Afterwards we packed up my car and I drove up north a hour and a half. I spend a moment with my sister and her boyfriend and his friend and then drove to The Shoulder's place. Which is where I'm staying for the next month.

Not that I'm one to look a gift horse in the mouth but I have to say, everyone has a different level of cleanliness. CSI for example is a complete germophobe and I don't mind a mess here or there but The Shoulders place was a wreck. Everything from weird yellow stains on the ceiling to brown splotches on the carpet. I have been slowly going through the house, room by room, cleaning up the mess as I go. It's not that hard once it's done, then it just maintenance, but the initial go through can sometimes be like fighting off the micro bacterial hordes of hell.

I got here on a Thursday and every Friday The Shoulder goes bowling with a group of friends, this weekend I was invited along. His younger sister went as well and I spent the evening talking and chatting with her, it's strange how I feel more comfortable talking with a 16 year old than the other adults but mostly I think that comes from having been around my own sister so much.

I got on top of the whole filling out applications as quickly as possible. I walked up to the mall, which is only a block away and went around for almost 3 hours, grabbing every type of application or writing down the names of places that do online ones. I left that day with 45 applications. My hand hurt incredibly by that evening as I filled out over half so I could walk back the next day and turn them back in. I just have to say that I truly and utterly despise online applications. I know this is all the digital age and what not but seriously, whoever thought up the whole "let's put ours online" should be hanged, by their toes and force feed cheesecake while watching reruns of Felicity.

I did that for about a week straight, cleaning, applying, walking to the mall and so Friday came around once again and I went out with The Shoulder. It feels nice to go out regularly, I forgot what it was like to meet up with other adults. I think I'm a bit more reserved then any of them are though.

I'm tired of this not being posted so I'm going to skip ahead of the small stuff. I did some hanging out with the Mezican and then with CSI and The British Man, different times, they are having issues as a whole. Spent the Fourth watching Fireworks in the park, it was good fun, met a new friend, Gamestop Guy.

Went with Friday Night Bowling League out to Denny's after the rounds and was practically molested by one of the group too drunk to understand the word no. I ended up hitting him, which he seemed to find delightful. I would say a backhand to the face should put just about anyone off but he just wanted more. Kept asking me to hit him again, leaned on me, grabbed my ass. So I elbowed his rib cage, three times very hard, it put a slight damper on it but he kept asking for my attention all night. Sometimes people just disgust me.

I put in a job application for Best Buy on Monday, by Tuesday I had a job interview set up. I was practically falling over myself with excitement. I went in for my interview and it went splendidly and the next day I got a call back for my second one. That one went even better than the first, though I thought at one point I might have ruined it for myself. The manager asked what I would do if I caught someone stealing and my very initial reaction was "Punch them in the face" and then I coughed and looked at the wall and said "I mean, tell a manager" and he looked at me and said "even if that person was a friend" and I told him exactly what I thought about that. What friend? Someone who cares about you wouldn't put you in jeopardy of losing your job to cover for them. People like that are no friends of mine. If I'm judged by others based on the company I keep, I'm going to keep the best damn company possible. and he sat there for a moment and finally asked "You'd punch them in the face?" and I smiled and looked at the ceiling, sighed slightly and said "Yes well, not IN the store" He laughed and had me sign the papers right then and there. So yes, I have a job now, which is awesome, except I still have no place to live. One thing at a time I suppose.

While discussing the job, I needed work clothes and had no money for them so my friend, one from the Friday Night Bowling League offered to buy me some till I could pay him back. I <3 him.

I skipped ahead. I cut my hair. From long to rather short, a bob at the chin, it's already grown out so much it's rather annoying. It's cute but I cut it for two reasons. One, I was going to cut it because it's summer and it's thick and heavy and keeps me warm. Two, The British Echo was leaving for the boat and wanted to see it cut before he left since I had mentioned cutting it to him. He was skyping CSI and The British Man and I went and took a pair of scissors to my hair and filled up a pretty decent sized trash can with all the pieces that came off. I always forget how nice and airy short hair feels. I'm just going to grow it out again though, so whatever.

The British Echo is gone for now. It's makes me sad. I miss him. It's hard watching a friend go away for a long time and even worse when you can't really get a hold of them. It's like he is deployed. He got online the other day but couldn't write me but I know he got my messages, so thats okay, at least he heard me and knows I haven't forgotten him.

I had to go pick up the kids early from SES and Ive had them almost two weeks now, even though I was supposed to. They were miserable and begged to come be with me. How can I deny my children when they are frightened and crying constantly. He was pissed but oh well, I care more about their feelings than his.

So today I took them to the beach, we've been going a lot this summer since there is a very nice beach just a 5 minute drive away. We met up with CSI and The British Echo, we played in the water and eventually CSI got too cold and wanted out. It was just about 15 minutes after they got there, I can stay in the water the entire time, the other day I was in for four hours straight, I love the water so much but she asked me to come to the beach and sit with her, so I very reluctantly sat on the blanket. Eventually she told me to play in the sand if I was so bored, do something like build a mermaid. So I did. The British Man helped with the scales and the hair and some of the other digging. This is what happens when I'm not allowed into the water.


Sand Mermaid by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I'll throw down the other poems I've written since I started this backlog entry. I'm terrible at finishing it seems.

Shnuggle
by ~Katalalyn

Come lay with me
bodies touching
purely innocently
longing for the closeness
that feeling that there is more
the world isn't just I
trapped in a ever-widening expanse of nothingness
You and I
let us compliment each other
entangle ourselves together
feel the intimacy of being with another person
being one through the simple act
your force and mine
pulling and waning
with just our arms wrapped around one another
an embrace that makes us more
more than just two
but not that of lovers.


Nothing more but this
by ~Katalalyn

Standing at the edge of the plank
swords to my back
sharks at my feet
Where is my peter pan rescue
When was the pixie dust brushed away
How long has it been since the fear crept in
It all crashing around me
No where left to turn
slowly leaning towards the abyss that awaits


Okay, last but not least. I've met someone, okay technically I've known him for awhile but it was one of those moments were you think you know someone and then you really meet them, they become something more. So Potential Boyfriend and I started spending a great deal of time talking and playing the questions game. It's creepy how similar we are. We had some issue with the whole bacon vs sausage issue but suffice to say otherwise it was almost turn for turn the same answer. There are a few limiting factor to the happiness as of the moment. One, he is younger than I am and it worries me, even though he is more mature then most of the men my own age, I am afraid I might be keeping him from being himself from doing the things he wants to do. I don't want to keep him from the things he should be doing to make sure his life is one he feels is fulfilled. The second being the distance. I'm so tired of being alone, of sleeping alone and waking alone, it has technically only been about two years since my marriage crumbled but I've felt rather alone for much longer than that. I wish I could say I stayed out of obligation but that just isn't the case, I loved my ex till the end, doesn't mean I couldn't already feel his lack of love before the inevitable. I want to be held, so badly it makes me ache. I'm tired of being cheated out of the affection that I should deserve since I am willing to give it. Rambling, the point being I want that from him and if we were around one another I know he would be willing to give it. Over 9000 points later and he was upgraded from Potential Boyfriend to just straight Boyfriend. Yet, it feels weird saying that, I don't give my heart away easily and so when I do it really is for the long haul but calling him my boyfriend just sounds so grade school. He means so much more than that to me, so much it's hard to even begin to think of how to say it.

So, all updated and now lets see if I can start making more frequent posts again.

I promise

to think about doing a real post tomorrow. I haven't much felt like writing but I have been drawing. There isn't much I do these days but I've been extra stressed and I hate writing when I'm like that because I end up just whining and complaining, no one needs to hear that. However, I will leave you with something funny until I do write:



The Programmer wrote:



Me: holy crap
Me: I was just about to write you too
The Programmer: because its friday night?
Me: the other day I wrote Storm Chaser this:

See more funny videos and TBT at Todays Big Thing.

^-- this is you, lawl
Me: yesterday was thursday, tomorrow is saturday
Me: so yeah, because its friday, friday
The Programmer: you gettin down on friday?
Me: The party isnt here on the south side
The Programmer: you should travel westward
Me: yeah but south central is supposed to do it like nobody does
The Programmer: sure, if you're a wanna be mack, but what about if you're an old school player
Me: if you were from where I'm from... then you would know
The Programmer: lol
The Programmer: well that tears it
The Programmer: I'm gonna invite all my neighbors. They've got much flavor
Me: yeah you know, but it's not like it matters if they do unless you flip the track and bring the old school back

Under some curse

I really haven't been paying attention to my computer lately. I still have nothing to do but mostly I'm in one of those moments where everything seems a bit less fun then usual and when I'm like that, even normal things don't garner my attention. Case in point, hadn't checked my email in a couple days. Don't talk to most of my friends unless they have a phone which can text me and this blog sits dormant. (remember when I was all gung-ho on this thing, yeah, probably not going to be like that ever again)

However, there has been some developments in my life worthy of noting:

I did go see that recruiter, this whole blog was started because I wanted something I knew was going to be hard to attain, he pretty much told me it was impossible, unless I give up my kids. Since thats never going to happen, I suppose joining will never happen either. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet...

However, since I can't see myself joining anytime soon I need to make other plans. My grandmother called the other day and asked about how much it would take to go to the local community college here for this baking and pastry course. I have no idea but I made an appointment to find out. I go on Thursday. I'm terribly excited.

I wrote some terribly emo poetry recently and did a drawing for a friend for his birthday. I shall post the picture of it later once he has gotten it, no need ruining a surprise. I shall be posting it tomorrow, I hope it gets there okay, it has a long way to travel.

Cards

by ~Katalalyn

You dealt them out
as I looked on dismay
I am not one for games
You asked my hand
and I laid them before you
And now I am out
watching from the side
my cards shuffled into your deck
used to swindle the next in line.

Questions

by ~Katalalyn

The butterflies flutter
The soft tickle a side effect of their intricate internal dance
The mere thought of you giving them leave to take flight
When did it become so that my day is filled with only you?
Where is my ability to see more than just from when we say goodbye
till when we can be together again?
So when did it become that it is I, not you, who sits in anguish
wishing and willing your return?
Was it just for the conquest that you did all this?
Has the luster gone so soon?
It was you who sought me out
You who professed an unyielding and undying love
You who chipped away at my resolve to flee
Yet it is you in the fortress and I banging on the gate to be let in
Why do this if not to mean it?
Why bother if only for the high of being able to say you have power over I
I no longer see the claims of want or need
How is that possible when you turn from me at any chance
That I need you more than you shall ever need me
still burns away at the edges of my being
Why would you say such things?
Did you not know their true meaning?
Did you not understand what you dove into?
Could you not see the power they hold
or is it that you knew all too well
and it is I who foolishly turned a blind eye to the truth

The British Echo is in for the next couple of weeks. So The British Twins will be over for tea and funtimes sometime next week. I'm excited to have my twins back, even if just for a short time.

On the last note, I seriously hate toys and socks. That may seem like strange objects to hate but hear me out. Most of the time, since I have no job and no money and go nowhere, I spend my days in my pajamas, without socks on since I hate them, but the other day I was wearing normal clothes and socks, of all things. It was sunny out and I took the kids to the ridiculously made playground down the street. This thing, I'm sure Ive mentioned it before, was seriously not built for children, its like an adults playground but with less entertaining things for an adult to do on it, however since it's the only playground around I figured I might as well. To go to a playground, though, you need real clothes on and real shoes, blasphemy really, and so I got all decked out. The time there was perfect, they played, there was lots of laughter, and then we came home. Once we did I asked them to pick up their toys from downstairs and take them to their room. While they were gathering their toys I went upstairs to the bathroom, and when I was done I went to walk downstairs to check how they were doing. On the 4th stair down was a MIA toy and lucky for my I stepped right on it. Normally this would just annoy me as it would hurt my foot but since we don't wear shoes in the house I was just delighted to find my sock slipped on it. I'm pretty quick with my reflexes and I leaned back, trying to sit down, stead of fall face forward straight into the floor, but since I was wearing jeans, which are longer than most of my pajama pants I ended up going into a knee slide. When I was a kid, I used to slide down the stairs for fun, on my knees sometimes, what in world was I thinking? Riding down the stairs on my shins is not in fact a good time. Things only went from bad to worse from there because eventually my pants remembered they were made of jean and decided to catch on the carpet and I was jolted forward. I didn't want to smash my face into the floor so much less like a ninja and more like a person in desperate want to keep their one pretty feature I turned which inevitably smashed all of my left side into the stairs below. I hit my head on the wall and finally managed to push on the walls, which jammed both a finger and toe and stop myself slightly, at which point I got into a sitting position once more and slid down the last two or three stairs to the floor below. My whole left side has continued to hurt the last couple of days, with a headache that wont quit and it doesn't help that I have a head cold as well. I can't believe the situations I manage to get myself into, not drunk and I fall down stairs. I'm so used to it now that I'm very nonchalant about it. I told my parents on the phone and it was all "so, I fell down the stairs, nothing in the house is broken, and nothing else to report." and there was this "What? You fell down the stairs! Is anything on you broken?" "Nah, I'm fine."

Other than that, not much has happened.

The revolving door

That's what life is like. Like sitting on a couch in a room with a revolving door. Constantly turning though most people just walk on through it back to the outside. Every so often someone comes in and hangs out but eventually they usually also fall back in line and walk back out the door. It's not so bad, people are meant to come into and fall out of our lives as specific times. Moments in time that define us or change us and then that person leaves. It's when we truly care about that person that we tend to jam the door. No one else needs walk through. So what then when they choose to walk out of it?

You said you loved me and I knew you didn't really know what that meant and I ignored it. I wanted to ignore it because I loved you because I wanted you to know and feel it the same way I do. How could you though. So simple to say you love someone yet the reality of loving them is so much harder. I want you to be happy, I want to be happy, I just wanted us to be happy together yet how easily you let go. No fighting left in you for me. No more real want or desire. I get it but it still hurts.

I'm tired of that. I'm tired of the aching and pain and worry. I should just jam the damn door from now on.

Funtimes to be had

Friday I stayed up all night, well technically not all night, I went and took a nap at 2 and woke at 4 and went back to cleaning and dealing with the cake for the party later on that Saturday. Bubbaloo wanted a Castle Crashers party. Brewski and I made the invites:

Castle Crasher Invites by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

and the decorations were all red, blue, orange and green. I made shields out of the side of cereal boxes and paper mache and bought sword looking bubble containers for each of the kids. They got to paint their shields however they wished, even The Programer and Brewski got into that. We broke a pinata shaped like one of the weapons in the game, the kings mace, and had dinner which consisted of BBQ chicken, french fries and green beans. The cake turned out well, it was a chocolate cake with a chocolate ganache filling and butter cream frosting:

Castle Crasher Ninja Cake by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

The kids had fun, the party was a blast and Bubbaloo made out like a bandit. The kids went home and I, having only slept for 2 hours the night before crashed on the couch. When I woke this morning it felt like what I can only assume is what a hangover feels like, since I've never actually had one, though I'm not sure why I woke like that, except that I've been really sick the last week and I hadn't slept the night before. My head felt like it was going to rip in two and when I drank some apple juice I felt like hurling. I found it very weird because the night before I drank a good portion of water, three or four 64 oz water bottles full. Never having had a hangover I'm just assuming, however, I have to say that I can't see why people would drink if they feel like that afterwards.

And apparently its spring break this week, not sure how I missed that.

The things we miss

This last weekend I had The British Man over for tea. It was a blast, we watched T.V., killed zombies, shot terrorists in the face. It was a nice break from the norm of not having anyone to hang out with but it made me a bit sad too, specially when it was over and I had to take him home. I used to spend a lot of my time with people. My house was always open to visitors. People were constantly walking in and out of my door and there was laughter and funtimes. The British Man, The British Echo, The Programer, The Mezikan are all missed dearly but I find I miss CSI the most, my own personal Scarecrow it seems. I try not dwelling on people I miss greatly when I know I can't change that fact, it just continually makes me upset and sad. However, I hadn't realized how greatly I miss the group, how much the lack of my sister's presence would effect the way I related to the people I know. I've never missed someone more. Even when SES was out in Afghanistan, I had this secure feeling I would get his time when he had it but its not relative with her. She gives her time to The British Man, as it should be, so I get whatever time I can get, when I can get it but it means that feeling of getting her time is gone.

This coming weekend is Bubbaloo's birthday party, I don't even know who is coming, I just know I've put in a lot of effort and time and I feel wiped of energy. Everyone got sick this week and so I'm trying to do the last of the work for his party while coughing ridiculously. I detest being sick when I have nothing better to do, it's so much worse when I have things I need to get accomplished. Being sick makes me so extremely lazy.

This years theme really is all about rediscovering. I have a friend who I don't talk to often and haven't in some time and there he is, talking to me like not a day has gone by. Since he technically never stopped talking to me, I suppose The Lion doesn't entirely count but Bellingham sure does. It's been years since we spoke and then out of no where, there she is. I've missed her. I hate being one of those people who realizes how much they miss someone only after reconnecting with them. I want to be able to appreciate the people I love and cherish not only while they are in my life but even if they end up not being in it anymore. Maybe this year I will be able to finally discover myself as well, the things I need and want and know myself, if not completely, then at least a bit more than I did before.

It's funny how life works. How people come into or back into your life at just the right moments. How you can find people who make everything seem like it will be okay in the end. Giving me the strength I need to be strong.

More mental fiber in my intellectual diet

I took myself up on my passing thought and sat down and wrote for a bit. I have no idea where this story is going, I didn't plan a single bit of it, not the names or the plot, I just started typing, it sort of just formed itself. I have no idea if I will finish it, I seriously don't even know where it came from. Be forewarned I have done no editing on it and to make matters worse it's ridiculously hard to edit anything that gets copied into the window on here so I'm just going to leave the ugly looking double spaced format as it is.

-

He stared at her through the bottom of the glass, willing himself to swallow the cold liquid that sloshed around inside. Her face was blurred and muddled, swirls of color tinted a slight orange-brown by the ice tea. The ice clinked around, a kaleidoscope of her in the midst of his drink. He closed his eyes and put the glass down onto the table.

She watched him. His movements were slowed and strained, she could see the muscles in his jaw clenching and unclenching even as he sipped from the drink he had been nursing for more than a hour. Their food had arrived awhile ago and though she had eaten, easily polishing off her plate, his sat, growing cold. She continued to watch him, the glass making a soft thud noise as he set it down, as if he had misjudged the table distance and hit it too hard, though she knew it was mostly his nervousness that was causing his abnormal behavior.

“Well?” He opened one eye to her. Maybe, just maybe, he was dreaming. This could all be some elaborate dream, one he concocted to make himself seem more important than he really was. “Hunter, I can understand you being nervous but you need to tell me what you know.”

“I don't know anything.”

“It's overly clear you are lying. So why don't you just tell me?”

“I don't know where to start.”

“The beginning, it's the very best place to start.”

“Hardy har har Julia.”

“At least I didn't break into song.” her small smile pulled at him, made him want to reach out and tell her everything was going to be okay but even he didn't know for sure. Not anymore.

“Julia, do you remember when we first came here?”

“As in the first time ten years ago? Or as in this last trip?”

“The very first time.”

“Of course I do Hunter. We were 15 and this place was beyond magical.”

“Sort of lost its magic, hasn't it.” He looked down at his food and pushed it around with his fork, the mere thought of eating making his stomach turn slightly.

Julia watched him, her expression turning quizzical as he played with the food on his plate. “we are just older, wiser, less inspired than before.”

“Craig wasn't.”

“Craig is a dreamer.”

“Was a dreamer.” he looked up at her, his eyes steadfast and yet saddened. Her eyes widened and she sat back, the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.

“When?”

“This morning.”

“How?”

“They came for him.”

“How did they even find him?”

“I don't know.” She looked around slowly and then back at him

“Are we even safe here?” he continued to watch her and shook his head

“I'm not sure.”

“Then shouldn't we leave?”

“And go where?” he slammed his hand down on the table, his voice filled with rage. Julia was taken aback, he very rarely got so worked up. Hunter always had a calm head. Their group had worked so well because they each contributed to the group in different ways. Craig was the dreamer, Hunter the reasoner, Julia the planner. Between the three of them nothing was impossible. “They're rooting us out Julia, they want every last one of us gone and they are using any means necessary to do it. I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I don't think we can win this, specially not without Craig, specially not when we are stuck in this world. We needed him to get back, and now we are one man short and we don't know how to find the others.”

Julia reached across the table. His hand was shaking almost imperceptible but she had known this man for most of her life, she knew his small intricacies, everything about him was plain as day and she could see his fear, even as he held most of it in. To anyone else he looked angry, upset maybe, his behavior was more of one annoyed than scared beyond reasoning but for him to claim not to know what to do, took more out of him than anything else he could have said. His hand was cold, even though she could clearly begin to see the sweat beginning to form on his forehead, he was beyond scared, something in him had snapped, he had been broken by them somehow. It seemed odd to her that he should be so scared though, while in the presence of friendly company. She looked him over, noticing his odd glances to the side, his slight shifting, the jitteriness of his mannerisms and squinted, her look becoming hard.

“Why are you so nervous?”

“Why aren't you nervous at all?”

“I am but you are freaking out, as if there is more, or you have done something. You didn't become this agitated until you started talking about all this. We've been here a hour, your food is cold and you haven't touched it. The ice in your glass is all but dissolved and leaving a layer of water over the denser ice tea. What gives?” His eyes reddened and the tears he had been holding back poured down his face, even as he struggled to keep his composure, as he wiped at them and gritted his teeth willing them to stop. “Hunter. Hunter stop crying and tell me.”

“I'm sorry Julia. I should have done something. I should have...” his voice broke as his sobs overcame him, his body shaking as he covered his face. She watched him, this man who had always- been the shoulder in the group, always the one with the wisdom, sitting before her sobbing uncontrollably, this, above all else said, made her realize the gravity of the situation.

The front door to the restaurant banging open startled her out of her thoughts. The four men standing by the hostess, dressed as if ready for war, threw her brain into high gear. She grabbed his hand and dragged him from the chair, pulling him along as he stumbled after her, his disorientation slowing them down. She frantically looked around the room, the crashing and yelling behind her pushing her on. She knew better than to look back, it only took a glance to be transfixed, only one look and then all would be lost. She yanked as his hand, urging him with her movement to watch her, to look forward and keep up, to not turn around, she knew better than to speak, to use names, to give them any sort of advantage. She spotted a doorway turned towards it, ducking into it just as the table behind her splintered and cracked, the noise of screams and the heat making her head swirl slightly.

He gasped and went still, his side exploding with pain. Each breath causing pain to shoot through his body, his lungs aching from his inability to take in a full breath. HE climbed up the steps after her, his body feeling weighted and heavy. He slammed his foot into the stair above him and fell forward, pulling her backwards. His knee hit the stair above as he grunted, her body falling back into his. He gritted his teeth and the air making a soft hiss as he sucked in, the air catching in his throat.

Julia looked at him, his side covered in blood, a large splinter jaunting out from just below his ribs on his right hand side. They needed to get outside, materializing inside a building was risky at best, though mostly just seen as suicidal. They looked each other in the eye and he nodded to her slightly and the grabbed his hand again, now wet with blood and pulled him up after her, ignoring each groan and gasp of his pains. She pushed at the door at the top, the noises of men climbing up the stairs after them growing louder, she knew she only had a couple seconds more, there had only been a thirty second difference to begin with. The door stuck and she stepped back and kicked at it, the door shuddering with the force. She looked at Hunter and then down the stairwell, meeting the eyes of the man below. His eyes looked gentle and understanding, she couldn't imagine him being the force that was out to get her.

Hunter pulled on her arm slightly and nodded to the door once she looked back at him.

“One, two..” They kicked together on three, the door jam giving way, the door flying backwards and banging the wall. They moved through the opening, the door slamming back into place behind them. They pulled the necklaces out from under their shirts and touched them together. The door opening and the four men running out, one of the men firing in their direction as they dematerialized.

-

“Shit. Sector Two Commander we lost them. Coming back to base.”

“Roger that.”

Jonathan stood there staring at the spot where the two had once been. There hadn't seemed anything wrong about the two, who wouldn't run if being chased. His instincts told him there was something more to this but he knew better than to question the motives of those in authority.

“They do more harm than good.” The large hand on his shoulder was heavy, weighing on him just as his thoughts did.

“That's what they say, yeah.” Jonathan nodded to his NCO and turned around, making his way down the steps he had just come up. He had looked her in the eyes, she was frightened but there had been something else there, that sort of pleading he had seen in his mothers eyes before he was marched off to do his compulsory duty. The same look. His mother's had haunted him for years without him fully able to grasp why. Her death hit him hard, she had been killed by rebels in the area, without remorse, without compassion, tortured and beaten to death. He had never been able to ask her what those eyes meant and they had haunted him, show up in his dreams, bore into his soul and made him question even those around him and now, here was another, different situation, same eyes, like those of his mother, questioning him, pleading with him, filled with fear and anger and sadness. He clenched his jaw and looked around at the mess the restaurant had become and the owners would be paid for their trouble but he felt guilty none the less.

-

Her head felt muddled and the voices around her seemed far off, as if she was trapped under a heavy blanket. The darkness engulfed her as she struggled to regain a sense of clarity, nothing was making sense. She felt as if her consciousness was slowly clawing its way to the surface, the words were becoming more distinct, she could make out a male, no, two, and a female. They were close to her, standing nearby or right next to her. The cold hand on her forehead frightened her, she was trapped inside her own mind and had no way to defend herself, this was not how she had imagined her last moments might be, barely able to grasp her own situation, at the mercy of whoever was now leaning over her.

“I think she is coming to.” The rustling noise overpowered all the others in the background. She struggled to make sense of it, to open her eyes, to move her limbs. She had to get up, she needed to force herself awake, she wouldn't be taken down like this, helpless.

“Julia I know you are scare but you need to stop struggling with them, you are making it hard for them to operate. Julia, listen, you wont be hurt. Julia, try to understand. I'm right here.” The voice was muffled but she knew it, his smooth deep voice could calm even the most fearful of people, and she relaxed into the darkness that was still around her.

Lost and found

I haven't really been in a writing mood. All the things I've had to say have been negative and I don't like writing when everything out of my mouth is nasty and mean. Reflecting on my own personal anger helped resolve some of it, though most of what makes me upset is external, I needed time to come to terms with the fact that I could do nothing about those issues.

So on to other things. My mother left on an airplane, and though I know when she will be back again, its been nice having the break from her. The whole day after she left, I spent sort of sitting around meditating. This great feeling of relief came over me. It sounds terrible and wrong but without her around most of the external stress I had been feeling is gone. I wake up and want to clean, instead of wanting to stay away in my room hiding.

I recently became a year older. I have no issue with age, getting older is just a natural course, and since I already feel like I am in my late 40's, it feels more like I'm just catching up. However I do not care for the fact that I've gotten next to nothing done with my life, this does bother me, it is something I need to work on. However, I got many gifts, which I did not expect. Between CSI and Brewski I got a good addition to my baking arsenal. CSI got me a stainless steal French rolling pin, a pie bird, and some pie weights. Brewski got me boards for cakes, a frosting tip, a package of silicone baking cups and the movie Coming to America. Besides those, I also got two Kinect games, Your Shape and Dance Central from my Poppi. Oklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma sent me a gift basket filled with chocolate. My grandmother sent me a 25 dollar gift check, so in essence she bought me Castle or Firefly, whichever, and I bought myself the other. Lost and Found bought me a Deadpool magnet, which is awesome. Shyness sent pictures, which was so out of character. I made out like a bandit, I didn't expect such an outpouring of attention and love. It made this birthday highly unexpected. For years its been forgotten, from my family to my ex, it sort of just became another day, it seems weird that now, of all times, it would somehow become prominent again. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, giving me the one thing I need the most, that outpouring of shows of affection that I have felt missing my from life, as if to tell me "nothing is as bad as it seems" or maybe a little more "everything comes full circle" Who knows.

Full circle seems to be the theme of this year so far. So many moments of that happening. Lost and Found being one of the more obvious of these. Many years ago I had a friend and this friend and I lost contact with one another. Time went on and we grew older and I, like a stubborn mule, didn't bother to change my screen name, so a couple weeks ago there was a message for me, and we talked and met. It's strange though, thinking on it, I've known more than a few people for a long time and still haven't met up with them. It's weird then, re-meeting someone after so long, still getting along with them, and then spending some decent quality time with that person. Lost and Found came over for my birthday and stayed a few days, we cooked many good meals and spent funtimes just chatting and enjoying each others company.

Other than that, I found my wallet. It seems mildly comical as to where I found but the fact that it was there at all just confounds me. It was, or so it seems, behind the couch the entire time. However this seems mildly impossible as I looked both behind and under the couch while searching for it and have looked behind the couch many times in the last couple of months since it went missing and have never once seen it there before. It's as if it just magically appeared there for me to find. It was beyond strange and I have come to the conclusion that the couches have worm holes connected to them that take many months for something that falls in on one side to come out of on the other. This, or ghosts, are the only ways to explain it.

Though I am back and it has literally taken me all day to write this little, besides the angry rantings I would have done, I also seem to be having a bit of writers block, as if the words just refuse to come forth. Maybe I should try writing a story, this sometimes help, though all my stories seem to be romance novelesk and that sort of bothers me to some extent.

Sailor moon revisted

Sometimes its nice to go back and redo pictures one has done before, lets you see the difference in your ability, see if you have grown or become stagnant. I'll let you decide, though it's pretty obvious.

Posted back in 2007:

Saliormoon Bellydancer by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Posted just a couple moments ago:

Sailormoon Once more by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I've worked on a couple other things. Have a drawing going for The Art Watcher, did one for Shyness and The Swede and the face one I have yet to finish. I should really get working on them, if nothing else, than to give me a break from the insanity that threatens.

Belated heart greetings

So late Happy Crappy Day tidings. I don't really celebrate this holiday. When you are younger it is so exciting, everyone hands out 1 dollar cards with a picture of some popular at the time character with both your and their names on it, maybe a piece of candy or a sticker, everyone gets one of these generic greetings, everyone feels special and loved and accepted. Then, as you get older, the holiday takes on new meaning, you are taught it's a day for people who care about one another, in a more tender way, to show their affections. It's around this time that one starts to begin to see the differences in the way they are treated vs their peers but it never bothered me. I knew I wasn't one to receive tons of flowers or chocolates, if any, I thought I never would be so I shrugged it off, nothing to worry about when I know the foreseeable future. Then I met SES, all of that changed, I had someone to expect such things from, and yet, I was still left wanting. He often either forgot or didn't bother, I can't say for sure which and so most holidays went without mention. He did remember a few times here or there, like the year he bought me the stand mixer, which I use, almost religiously, to this day. They were few and sporadic and I grew to dislike this particular holiday meant to make one feel loved, since it did nothing more than make me feel loved even less, in fact most holidays and my birthday became less exciting and more mundane, except Christmas, that holiday, though floundering a bit in the last couple years, has never lost its magic for me.

However I am now stuck dealing with two children stuck in the stage where it seems overly special. It's hard mustering up the necessary pep and drive so that I don't crush their joy with my own spiritlessness. I don't want to imbue them with the same jaded bitterness I seem to now possess over such a pointless holiday. So I helped with name writing and taping and putting stickers into little slots and felt my heart dip as they joyously made cards for their daddy which they never got to give him because he didn't come pick them up for their weekend.

I feel so tired, completely drained of all ability to function on a sound emotional level. I need a recharge but I don't think I'll be getting it anytime soon. This is, oddly enough, conducive to my emotastic writing style, so I shall share the results, as well as the drawing for a friends birthday.

Penguin Army by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Seedy by ~Katalalyn We lock ourselves away dirty, secretive, shameful the thread of evil that we deny with our actions yet proclaim with our mouths has wrapped around our souls feeding off our inability to break from each other binding the very essence of our beings, devouring each other in our explosive passion even as it twists our once good intentions creating a well that continually fills as it runs dry

One line makes a whole poem

by ~Katalalyn

when you aren't near
I fret I may miss you
making a fool of mine self
asking others to carry my words of love in your direction
you consume my waking being,
and my longing overwhelms me
stopping my lungs
crushing my voice even as it yearns to break the silence
Every moment feels as if it were a thousand years
my mind clawing through the weight of time to find thee
And yet I dread thee, your presence, a super sped gear turning the clock hands endlessly
the minutes blurred
and within a blink you are gone
lost again to living
and I, tortured by an indescribable heaviness
feeling alone in my despair of passion
sit and wait
procrastinating at regaining myself
willing your return

Addiction by ~Katalalyn So sweet and intoxicating pumping through my veins driving me to madness seizing my consciousness till there is nothing but the void which only you fill I crave the chains you bind me with Revel the way you make my body rush and swirl the dizziness that drains me of all sanity. How I long for the damage you bring me Exalting in the damnation of my soul Come lay beside me My drug of choice That conquers all others

Never Real Answers

by ~Katalalyn

tearing away at the scar tissue
constantly keep the wounds from healing
you who devoured my essence
and now proclaims a lingering bitter after taste
you left me in pieces
shattered
scattered
discarded
I have no need to care
knowing I'm lying to myself on the surface of things
It eats at me
carves away my being
And I find that I have no answers of why

Note for future reference

How is it that one can be so deliberately ridiculous? Don't get me wrong, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their blonde moments (no offence meant, though I'm sure some taken) but when every action you take is a serious offence to everyone involved you really need to stop and examine yourself. If someone is constantly having a complaint about your behavior or your lack of action, then maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself. Sometimes situations don't permit certain actions, that is understandable, however when even you can clearly see you are failing, why continue in that course?

I just don't understand him anymore. I'm so angry with him all the time, maybe its clouding my judgement but mostly all I can ask myself is: Was I really so blind to not see all this or did his personality and behavior really just take a pitfall? How can he not see that what he does so clearly affects the kidlets. Sure they are a handful, but they are our handfuls and therefore our responsibility. I shouldn't expect more from him than this and yet its hard to see the complete lack of effort and not hope for more. I don't care what he does in his free time, I'm not concerned about his treatment of me, so long as it doesn't begin to twist the kids, but it confounds me at his complete lack of will to even try.

I don't expect perfection, I'm far from perfect. I'm often failing. I'm only human, emotions aren't completely controllable, I have my limits but I'm still trying, even if poorly, even if I'm coming up short. I'm still stumbling blindly forward. Maybe he is doing the same, maybe I just cant see it, maybe I don't wish to see it because being angry is so much easier or maybe it's time I just admit everyone else can see this situation more clearly than I can right now and listen to their advice.

Lack of luster

I haven't felt like writing at all in the last week. Not that I haven't had something to say or that I haven't done anything, just that I really haven't felt like writing. Even now I'm feeling a bit eh and having trouble getting it all out but it seems ridiculous to not say anything at all.

I've been talking to The British Twins a decent amount. It's nice having someone who misses me enough to seek me out and talk to me. However I've been talking to The Swede and a few others on a vent channel, all from Scandinavia. They are an interesting bunch to talk things over with, though mostly I just listen to them talk to each other in Dutch or Swedish, which is also interesting.

The Swede showed me a picture of himself in which I really liked the shape of his mouth so I wanted to draw it. The problem being that for the last couple of months my tablet hasn't been working. When I upgraded to Windows 7 my Bluetooth stopped working. I have tried troubleshooting the issue a few times but though I can use a computer properly, I'm not the best at fixing them, so I had The Programer do some computer magic and fix my Bluetooth issue. He couldn't seem to get the tablet to work but I ended up doing that myself. So he got me halfway there and I managed the last leg. I then got to draw. I didn't think I had missed drawing with my tablet so much but I seriously couldn't put it down for almost three days straight.

Pain - Naruto by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

So yesterday was Superbowl Sunday. On Friday The Welcomer asked me if I wanted to come over for her Superbowl party. I seriously have never seen the Superbowl before, I just don't watch sports on TV, it's boring to me. If I'm sitting in the stands then the environment and excitement felt by the fans is infectious and I get into it but mostly I would rather play than watch. However, there was far more talking and enjoying of company than watching. I made truffles for The Welcomer as a hostess gift, as well as bringing deviled eggs and fresh baked bread with olive oil and balsalmic vinegar. I ate so much junk food though, more than I've eaten in a couple months. I felt so fat when I came home. It was fun though, we stayed till the end of Glee, which came on right after the Superbowl. Which was fun to watch with a group of people who also enjoy the show.

Truffles by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I should try to keep up with this even if I'm feeling less than literate because I'm sure there has been more to this week but I've just slowly forgotten.

Crack and the video game faerie

So the last couple of days have been interesting, to say the least.

Last week or so I wanted a danish pastry. I had been craving something sweet but couldn't figure out what it was I wanted. Sometime that day I spoke with with either The Swede or the Dutchman about donuts and danish were mentioned. It was like the light bulb clicking on, that was exactly what I had had in mind. So I searched for a recipe and the next day I went to work, trying to make danish. That first batch was a complete failure. Nothing about the dough turned out right, though the cream was tasty. I hadn't the drive to try again until earlier this week went I made the dough but I ran out of time during the day to make the actual pastries so the next day I laminated the dough and today I baked them, they turned out amazingly. I tend to get overly happy when I bake, I sing and dance or just make up weird diddies, like earlier I was singing "you will be a tastey treat, gooey flaky and warm BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO GO INTO THE OVEN AND BAKE UNTIL YOU ARE BROWN" and the last part I did in this demonic sounding voice and then I burst into laughter. I really love baking, I wish I could find a job as a baker. If I'm left to my devices the jovial feeling I get lasts for a long time, it's been hours since I finished and I'm still giddy. Baking is my crack, apparently.

Orange Danish by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Also, I got a visit from The Video Game Faerie. Brewski got his paycheck and needed to go to the bank, so I went along because I wanted out of the house and was bored. We headed over and picked up his paycheck but he needed to cash it so we headed to the bank and since the bank is next to Gamestop, he wanted to go in and see if there was anything cheap he might want to get. He told me, since I've been feeling really down lately, that he would get me one of the cheaper preowned games, so I went in search of Rainbow Six Vegas 2. I used to own the Rainbow Six Vegas awhile ago but SES took it with him when he deployed and it was lost to me. Brewski bought it for me for Christmas, after much searching, but we've already played through it and I wanted the second one if I could. It's so hard to find though and this I lamented, out loud. A woman, who I incidentally almost ran into, mentioned that she had more then one copy of the game and would be willing to give it to me if I wanted. I was completely floored, she wasn't asking for anything in return, didn't even ask for the same amount my brother would have been willing to pay for it from the store, would just give it to me. She handed me her phone number and told me to call in a hour, just enough time to get home and check her games. Brewski said he would still buy me a game, since he doubted it would actually happen and we found Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare for 10 bucks. Bruce offered to buy it for me and as we stood in line I was gleefully commenting on all the fun I was going to have that night. At one point I said "I can't wait to go home and shoot people in the head." The cashier looked at me and gave me that "I know what you mean" grin. I laughed and said "I think this is the only store where saying I'm going to go home and shoot people in the head not only wont get the police called on you but is also somehow a bonding moment." Everyone stopped and looked at me and the cashier and Brewski both looked at me funny and then said "I've never though of it that way." "Me either". Brewski and I decided to walk around the mall for a bit, since it hadn't been a hour yet. No point going home only to drive back over that way. A hour later I gave her a call and she didnt answer, so I left what felt like a very embarrassing message "uh, yeah, Im the girl you said you would give the game to, uh, if you are still willing to, which I would really appreciate it, just give me a call" I mean, really embarrassing, it felt I was begging, I mean hell, I really wanted the game and I was racking my brain for a way to repay her if she came through but it still made me feel a bit ridiculous. About 15 minutes later she calls back and we agree we will meet me at the local Albertsons in 15 minutes. On the way there I wrote down my information on a piece of paper. When she finally got there I handed it over. I have no money, I was just trying to get out of the house, but I can bake, as shown above, and I offered baked goods, a birthday cake, cookies, something. She pocketed it and then turned to her car and grabbed not one but a stack of green cases. She not only, very generously, gave me Rainbow Six Vegas 2 but five games in total. I was floored, I still am.

I'm still up on my baking high, I should probably try to take advantage of that while I can and do something physical, like work out or play my kinect. Other then that, homemade Mac and Cheese for dinner.... mmmmmm... Mac and Cheese...

See...crack.