Belated heart greetings

So late Happy Crappy Day tidings. I don't really celebrate this holiday. When you are younger it is so exciting, everyone hands out 1 dollar cards with a picture of some popular at the time character with both your and their names on it, maybe a piece of candy or a sticker, everyone gets one of these generic greetings, everyone feels special and loved and accepted. Then, as you get older, the holiday takes on new meaning, you are taught it's a day for people who care about one another, in a more tender way, to show their affections. It's around this time that one starts to begin to see the differences in the way they are treated vs their peers but it never bothered me. I knew I wasn't one to receive tons of flowers or chocolates, if any, I thought I never would be so I shrugged it off, nothing to worry about when I know the foreseeable future. Then I met SES, all of that changed, I had someone to expect such things from, and yet, I was still left wanting. He often either forgot or didn't bother, I can't say for sure which and so most holidays went without mention. He did remember a few times here or there, like the year he bought me the stand mixer, which I use, almost religiously, to this day. They were few and sporadic and I grew to dislike this particular holiday meant to make one feel loved, since it did nothing more than make me feel loved even less, in fact most holidays and my birthday became less exciting and more mundane, except Christmas, that holiday, though floundering a bit in the last couple years, has never lost its magic for me.

However I am now stuck dealing with two children stuck in the stage where it seems overly special. It's hard mustering up the necessary pep and drive so that I don't crush their joy with my own spiritlessness. I don't want to imbue them with the same jaded bitterness I seem to now possess over such a pointless holiday. So I helped with name writing and taping and putting stickers into little slots and felt my heart dip as they joyously made cards for their daddy which they never got to give him because he didn't come pick them up for their weekend.

I feel so tired, completely drained of all ability to function on a sound emotional level. I need a recharge but I don't think I'll be getting it anytime soon. This is, oddly enough, conducive to my emotastic writing style, so I shall share the results, as well as the drawing for a friends birthday.

Penguin Army by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Seedy by ~Katalalyn We lock ourselves away dirty, secretive, shameful the thread of evil that we deny with our actions yet proclaim with our mouths has wrapped around our souls feeding off our inability to break from each other binding the very essence of our beings, devouring each other in our explosive passion even as it twists our once good intentions creating a well that continually fills as it runs dry

One line makes a whole poem

by ~Katalalyn

when you aren't near
I fret I may miss you
making a fool of mine self
asking others to carry my words of love in your direction
you consume my waking being,
and my longing overwhelms me
stopping my lungs
crushing my voice even as it yearns to break the silence
Every moment feels as if it were a thousand years
my mind clawing through the weight of time to find thee
And yet I dread thee, your presence, a super sped gear turning the clock hands endlessly
the minutes blurred
and within a blink you are gone
lost again to living
and I, tortured by an indescribable heaviness
feeling alone in my despair of passion
sit and wait
procrastinating at regaining myself
willing your return

Addiction by ~Katalalyn So sweet and intoxicating pumping through my veins driving me to madness seizing my consciousness till there is nothing but the void which only you fill I crave the chains you bind me with Revel the way you make my body rush and swirl the dizziness that drains me of all sanity. How I long for the damage you bring me Exalting in the damnation of my soul Come lay beside me My drug of choice That conquers all others

Never Real Answers

by ~Katalalyn

tearing away at the scar tissue
constantly keep the wounds from healing
you who devoured my essence
and now proclaims a lingering bitter after taste
you left me in pieces
shattered
scattered
discarded
I have no need to care
knowing I'm lying to myself on the surface of things
It eats at me
carves away my being
And I find that I have no answers of why