The time for Why?

So many people have been asking me why. I suppose I let this dream go for so long that I stopped bothering to mention the desire at all. I guess the simplest answer is that its time. I always played soldier, I dreamed about tromping through bushes and swamps, I always loved war movies. When I was nine I decided I wanted to join the Army. I was very happy with this choice until my brother told me that all the fun jobs go to men, this was the 80's, and I was highly disappointed in that fact. For years I wished I had been born a boy.

I still planned on it even through middle school. I had such low self esteem back then, I was completely convinced that I was doomed to a life of solitude. I figured I didn't need to worry about making other plans, I would just join after high school. I knew it was going to be hard, because I wasn't given the best genes, I've always been big, even when I did an excessive amount of daily activity I never got the weight down, I probably never will, I'm just structured to be a large person. I accept that now, I will do what I can and hopefully get in if I can but back then, it really made me feel like I was losing an uphill battle.

So then freshman year comes on and I meet him, I was gone in a moment. I let all my plans change, I put him first and I was okay with it. I went with his plans and would have been okay never joining if our plans had stayed the same but they are different now, separate, so it's time to make plans for me. Plans that help me get somewhere I want to go and be the person I want to be.

I suppose I need to make this more clear, I can't exactly explain why I want to join. This feeling I've had about it, its a desire I have no way to name. There is just this yearning in me, this feeling like I want nothing more in life then to do this. I don't plan on being a lifer, I've never once thought of the military as a full career, just something I felt I needed to do, to try to be. I want to be in the military, to know what it's like, to experience it first hand. When I pushed my desires away I would have been happy never knowing, but I cant just overlook the need now that I could possibly have the chance to do it.

But now I'm being redundant.