I'm not making much sense, probably because I started in the middle instead of the beginning. It will happen. Often. I hope this wont turn into some ridiculous bitchy rant-fest but I suppose that will be yet to be seen, and until then I can't say what this is. All I know is that starting a new beginning sometimes takes making steps in odd directions. Maybe this will cure my inability to sleep? Maybe I'll find the support I need to realize my dream. Maybe I'll write into the void of the internet and find nothing. Who knows.
So lets start from somewhere in all this that will make it all become clear. I want to be in the military. Specifically the Marines, more pointedly a Lioness. I'm not sure if I can be, medical issues may prevent that particular choice, but then, if nothing else, I want to go Army, as a medic. I don't how I'm going to get there at this point, but I plan to do so. My knee had surgery on it, and my motivation is low from lack of support in this decision. However, I've wanted to be in the military since I was little, 9 or so, I used to run around playing soldier when other little girls were painting their nails. Something about being in the military just always appealed to me. It's like a yearning Ive always held onto, one that just sits in pit of my stomach, heavies my heart and chokes up my throat. I'm not particularly patriotic and even though I come from a military family, I do believe that factor didn't contribute to this want and/or need. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully explain what I mean but I am satisfied in the fact that I know at least one other person who understands that feeling, even if neither of us can express it wholly.
I'm not entirely sure how to breach into the next part of all this. It's a combination of issues that have kept me from acting upon this desire, many of which still remain, though to a lesser extent. I'm creeping up to the age limit, though I'm still more then a handful of years behind it, but I don't want to surpass it before I get a chance my try. 25 isn't old but it feels as if I'm slowly losing time. When did I start thinking I was losing time? I haven't the faintest really, though probably more so in the last couple of months then any time before. I had all these plans, and I was willing to shove the idea of joining aside forever, but then he changed them all. In a single moment my life went from planned out to falling to pieces. Not entirely shocking, divorce will do that, but in that moment I found I really didn't know where I wanted to go with my life. I had decided on going to school and becoming a pastry chef. I really do love baking, I find so much peace when I'm measuring out flour and sugar and salt, but it was a choice based off of inability to decide. I like so many art related subjects, I wasn't sure where I wanted to put my efforts. So, I just picked something. Granted I've been told many times it's something I should seriously look into, and if I ever get in and then discharge I might just use my GI Bill to go do that, however it isn't something I'm passionate enough about to go get my ass into gear. Maybe I lost that part of myself when I gave up on my desire all those years ago. I never once thought I would get married or have kids, I was never the prettiest and so I always thought I would be alone, married to my job so to speak. Then he came into my life and everything did a 180. Well here I am turning around again and what I found when I did was that I was still wishing for this.
It's going to be a tough way there. I'm completely out of shape, and I feel alone in all this, and then there is the pending divorce and the kids to worry about, but, I think, it's time I stop putting aside what I want and need and work towards something that will make me feel like myself again.
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