So a couple months ago I woke one morning with mild back pain, thought it was a period
cramp. That was Monday. By Wednesday I could barely walk. I went into the ER, and that
was such an experience its unbelievable, I've never had such a problem with the ER before.
Nurses not listening, people telling me my diagnostic instead of trying to find out what was
so clearly wrong. They gave me dilated, did nothing for the pain, in fact it caused more. In my
upper abdominal, I could barely breath, the nurse told me I was having a panic attack. I don't
have panic attacks, I was in severe pain, still he wouldn't listen and I got belligerent, not that
that helped the situation but when you are in pain and the person who is supposed to help
you with it wont listen to you in any way shape or form, you can't help it. I'm in and out of the
hospital all the time, I'm just accident prone, it happens, whatever. I KNOW when something
is wrong with my body, something was seriously wrong, and no one would hear me out. I
was crying, I almost never cry out of pain. I've had two kids, been in labor an entire day,
had my appendix rupture, knee surgery, gal bladder.. I mean, I'm no virgin to pain, but this,
it made me scream it hurt so bad, like my insides were on fire, eating away at my very core,
keeping me from breathing. It's an experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I have to say
though, having experienced it once, I would probably handle it much better if it ever
happened again. After that they gave me a muscle relaxer, I asked what it was for, and they
told me, but I also asked if they were giving it to me because they thought I was having a
panic attack. No was what they said, but in reality it's what they put on the chart. Pisses me
off. Then, they sent me home. I walked out of there, if walking is what you can call it, I was
more like a 90 year old woman with a broken back, but I was too loopy from the drugs to
protest.
The next morning I couldn't walk anymore. I low crawled my way to the bathroom door
and just laid there. It was exhausting only using my arms to pull my entire body across the
bedroom floor and the hallway. I called my parents, which really feels embarrassing, I mean,
as a grown adult I'm not opposed to asking for help, but having to call your parents to come
help you to the bathroom is a bit soul crushing. They came over, along with my sister's
boyfriend, The British Man, who is a complete dear and I love him to death, and they all debated as if I was not even there, the best thing to do in the situation. My mom told me to just wet myself, right there on the carpet, she would clean it up. Fuck that I said, which seemed to delight The British Man a great deal. I continued to low crawl my butt into the bathroom, each movement shot pain down my spine, the back of my legs and made my feet feel numb but to hell if I was going to just lay there and piss all over myself. Once in the bathroom the decision was obvious, couldn't sit, so the bathtub it was. Getting over that huge slab of white was unbelievably daunting and twice I gave up and laid back down on the bathroom linoleum. My parents were downstairs and The British Man just stood watching me. I think, above all else, that actually made me happy, he wasn't entirely treating me like an invalid, though he did offer to help at the beginning, when I refused he just waited there in case I needed him. That's the way to do it folks, people don't like to feel helpless or unable to care for themselves. I felt like a small child or an ant but even they have the advantage because they aren't working through pain and an inability to function. When I finally got into the tub, which felt like an immense feet of strength and willpower, my jaw was sore from gritting my teeth and my whole body ached, but I had made sure I wasn't going to pee all over the place and myself and even if peeing in the bathtub isn't exactly something you would want to do every day, knowing I had gotten in made me fill with pride. Such small things you become thankful for when something goes wrong. Isn't that how it always is? Now if I could only hold onto that feeling of accomplishment. The British Man asked if I needed help with anything, which of course by this point I did, I needed help pulling my pants off. We looked at each other and we laughed a little and he went to go get my mom, though if she hadn't been there, I do believe he probably would have helped me with it. Man my sister is one lucky girl. Long story Long I went into the ER at a different hospital. They wanted to cut me open and move some junk around in my spin I told them to piss off, signed myself out of the hospital and went to see a physical therapist. She said that I had a bulge disc. Like a sprained ankle but in the back, the problem being that the spine doesn't have as much blood flow going to it. She and I got to talking and I told her about how I wanted to join and she told me she would try to give me exercises that I could use to help work out every part of me and I have to say... they really do.
Working out every night has been more difficult then I thought it would, between the sleep
deprivation and lack of real motivation its hard working through all the aches and pains.
This morning I was unbelievably sore, I really didn't feel like even sitting up but it's amazing
how doing more exercising, just the mild bit of swimming, made my abs feel so much better
then they had. And now I'm full circle on the whole topic.
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