Always with the questions *

I took a test online, I really do very poorly on 3 sections and it has given me some bad scores. Not that I was all that discontent with a 74.77%. I worked out today, I should keep a running tab so I know how good or bad I am about doing it. I'm supposed to do them daily, I think I'm managing maybe 3 - 4 times a week max right now. I really need to get better about it. * One

I think it's time for another round of answering questions. I keep getting lectures about my decisions and this one was about my feelings on the wars we are currently in. I'm not sure how to go about this subject. Most people get highly offended when I tell my opinions on it since I don't really believe in the wars we are in. Years worth of time, billions of dollars spent, lives wasted, families destroyed and for what? There hasn't been any real markers of this being successful or ending any time soon. How exactly does one fight a war on terror? Terror is an emotion we either ignore or indulge in. Other people just know how to play on the fears we hold close to and it is we ourselves who let it rule over us. That having been said, I still wish to join, and it is in this that everyone brings up the question of why, but since I have covered that what most people seem to ask now is how.

How can I wish to join when I don't believe in what the military is doing right now. The answer to that is simple. I'm not joining because I wish to fight for some ridiculously hazy concept but because I want to be in the military. I will do my duty, to the best of my ability. When I am told to go, I will go. I won't have complaints in this, I know that joining now means it will be part of my term of service. I will end up overseas. I will do what I was trained to do. That doesn't mean I have to agree to why we are there. The military is a way of life, one I have have been entrenched since birth and yet no experience is ever exactly the same. Being a dependent is far different then being a soldier, it is something I feel I need to do. It is something I want to do. If I wait any longer I will lose my chance all together. I don't want that to happen. Maybe some part of me secretly holds onto some notion of patriotism, I have no idea. I don't think so though. All I want, is to look back on this time and go "I was a soldier, proud to do my duty, honoring the desire to be a part of this group of people who stand up". I don't believe that has anything to do with where you are stationed as a soldier, so much as just being a soldier. I could be stationed state side my entire military career, I would still be happy. Being trained to fight doesn't mean one looks forward to doing so. The wisest fighter is one that knows when to fight and when to back down. I'm not going in so I can go guns blazing into the sandbox. I'm going in because I will be proud to wear the uniform.

Poor time management

I had hoped to wake up today and start "fresh". Whatever, that obviously didn't happen. I could barely open my eyes this morning. I got up and took Bubbaloo to the Boys and Girls Club day camp he goes to and then came home and studied while Baby Grr played upstairs. I put the book aside and just passed out, woke to Baby Grr watching a movie. I hate accidentally napping in the middle of the day it means I won't be able to sleep tonight, as always. I hate that I can't ever seem to sleep. Like my brain wont shut down unless its completely inconvenient.

I had this list of things I wanted to get done today. 10 things, not that big of a list or anything but I've only gotten through 3 of them, shameful. I need to get my ass into gear, I need to stop bothering with the computer and random shizza. How do people get so much stuff done in the day? How did I used to be able to do it? Where did that massive drive I had to wake up and start my day and do everything I needed to go? When did I get so damn lazy that I even annoy myself with it?

Someone come kick me in the ass and jump-start me.

3 day run down

So I meant to write a short post on this but I didn't recall it when I made my last one. My mother and brother came over on Sunday night and stayed till Tuesday morning. They came because I had my physical therapy appointment on Monday and I needed someone to watch the kidlets for me. I saw a different physical therapist this time, my usual one was completely booked for the week. I liked the woman I worked with, she was nice and didn't mind working me pretty hard, she changed a couple of my exercises to more difficult ones and gave me more bands to work with for my legs. I was dripping when I was done with the session but it felt good. I got home and made homemade taquitos with Mexican rice and corn on the cob, I wish I had taken a picture, it all looked amazing, tasted great too. Next time I make them, if I remember, I will take a picture, specially since so many of my non-american friends don't even know what they are. I was talking with The Shoulder on the phone Sunday and he told me of the sunburn on his back, so I went over and helped him put some after burn stuff on, we chatted for a bit and then I left and accidentally left my glasses behind, so Monday I went back and picked up my glasses and left a plate of food for him.

Tuesday morning they left and I cleaned a bit, not as much as I should have, I could get this place spotless but I can't seem to care if it is or isn't at this point. I spent the day sort of mulling around waiting for the evening to come. The Shoulder stopped by with little A-Lug and he played some video games with the kids while I made dinner. Chicken Alfredo, salad with a raspberry vinaigrette and garlic bread. We ate and the kids went up stairs to play for awhile and we just sat on the couch falling asleep. They left and I cleaned up a bit and went to sleep.

Today I spent the first part of the morning doing little, some dishes, a bit of laundry. I then, finally, got to the canvases I gessoed the other day. I painted four in a row, I have a couple more to do too. It was good to paint, I haven't done it in a long time, I haven't felt like much of anything for a long time to be honest. I don't particularly think I'm all that good or that they are all that great. I just wanted to do something different and I owe more then a few people a painting or two. I wonder if maybe joining will finally fill that boredom void I have in my days, maybe then I will want to paint more, because then I will be doing it to relax and have fun, instead of to kill the tediousness.

Falling by ~Katalalyn on deviant ART

Wave by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Cherry Trees by ~Katalalyn on deviantArt

Mountain by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

After painting I took the kids to this free MyGym class, they got it for being at a party MONTHS ago but I just haven't been able to take them since. I know they enjoyed it and I wish I could buy a membership but jeezy chreezy, it was a 133 dollar membership fee.. WHY IN GODS NAME WOULD ANYONE PAY FOR THEIR KIDS TO PLAY ON PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT? >.>; I mean, I do that with taxes. Why would I pay for them to play, indoors, on playground equipment. Granted they have more then that and they actually do a rutine and engage the kids with activities but they have just as much fun at the park, which is free. I took them to Mcdonald's so they could run around some more while I studied a bit. Did a short review test of ten questions on Arithmetic Reasoning, got a 7 out of 10, not sure if I'm getting better or still at the relative same stance. Maybe I should do the math... hur hur.

I'm going to study some more and then go to bed, I haven't worked out since Monday, I need to stop being so lazy, I was all gungho, where did all that momentum go? I mean Monday was good and Tuesday I wasn't sore, just busy, and today, I dunno, I need to find a good time where it's just me and I can allot that time as "work out time." I'm sure it should be some ridiculous hour in the morning but I haven't gotten my sleeping schedule worked out yet. I hate not being able to sleep.

Comfort Zone

I love running into old friends. Most of them are pretty similar to what they used to be when I knew them before. Not that I would dislike knowing someone who has grown or changed, depending on the change I suppose, because people flow and sometimes you find you have more in common later then you did before. I would say both statements are true in regards to Dougie. He is a good deal the same as I remember him being and yet so much of him has changed as well. I ran into him about a year ago and neither of us made the move to try and speak to the other, almost like a passing thought. I hate when that happens. I dislike saying I will call and then never get around to it or just plain forget. I forget often. So a year goes by and I didn't talk with him at all but then a couple weeks ago I ran into him at Fred Meyers. We stood around in the parking lot just chatting away, like not a day had gone by, though so obviously it had, we both had our ups and downs and we are almost relatively in the same place now. Life has a funny way of taking you on weird bends.

Last night I went to see him for a bit, in the evening, because I had gone the night before and forgotten my glasses. We sat around shooting the breeze and talking about our days and our kids and relating old stories and talking about scars. When I left I just sat in my car for a bit, thinking about what time it was and how the 3 hours I had spent that evening had flown by even though I had felt like time was dragging on earlier in the day. I hadn't realize how much I enjoyed being around him. I miss him a great deal when he isn't here and I had so much trouble walking out the door last night, I could have easily fallen asleep right there, probably would have been the best nights rest I would have had in weeks.

He has, so very easily, become my shoulder. When I'm stressed about divorce issues or the kids or my family, all I have to do is give him a call and he listens to me rant and rave like a lunatic. The day I went to get the divorce papers I gave him a text saying I needed a hug and asking if I could have one, and there he was, at my door when I got home in the evening waiting to do just that. So why can't I find someone who loves me who is willing to do such things?

One hour isn't all that long of a travel time, people sometimes do just that much for work every day, but its a great deal of time when you used to be able to see the person any time after work in under 15 minutes, it means no more weekday visits, no more hanging out in the evenings. I have a feeling I'm going to be ridiculously bored without my friend around. I think, of all things that will be the worse part of this move. It almost feels like I'm losing him right after I just found him.

Most of my close friends are here, or near here, I didn't even stop to think how I would feel about it when/if the military sends me somewhere else as my station duty. I'm not scared to be on my own. I make friends easily. I'm not saying I want to stay static, I have always yearned for adventure, and whats more adventurous then stepping out into the unknown by ones self. However, I didn't think I would miss my comfort zone so much, though it isn't even gone yet, specially now when he has been added to it.

The time for Why?

So many people have been asking me why. I suppose I let this dream go for so long that I stopped bothering to mention the desire at all. I guess the simplest answer is that its time. I always played soldier, I dreamed about tromping through bushes and swamps, I always loved war movies. When I was nine I decided I wanted to join the Army. I was very happy with this choice until my brother told me that all the fun jobs go to men, this was the 80's, and I was highly disappointed in that fact. For years I wished I had been born a boy.

I still planned on it even through middle school. I had such low self esteem back then, I was completely convinced that I was doomed to a life of solitude. I figured I didn't need to worry about making other plans, I would just join after high school. I knew it was going to be hard, because I wasn't given the best genes, I've always been big, even when I did an excessive amount of daily activity I never got the weight down, I probably never will, I'm just structured to be a large person. I accept that now, I will do what I can and hopefully get in if I can but back then, it really made me feel like I was losing an uphill battle.

So then freshman year comes on and I meet him, I was gone in a moment. I let all my plans change, I put him first and I was okay with it. I went with his plans and would have been okay never joining if our plans had stayed the same but they are different now, separate, so it's time to make plans for me. Plans that help me get somewhere I want to go and be the person I want to be.

I suppose I need to make this more clear, I can't exactly explain why I want to join. This feeling I've had about it, its a desire I have no way to name. There is just this yearning in me, this feeling like I want nothing more in life then to do this. I don't plan on being a lifer, I've never once thought of the military as a full career, just something I felt I needed to do, to try to be. I want to be in the military, to know what it's like, to experience it first hand. When I pushed my desires away I would have been happy never knowing, but I cant just overlook the need now that I could possibly have the chance to do it.

But now I'm being redundant.

Measuring where one stands

My brain is fried. It's taken me three days.. THREE DAYS... to finish this ONE test. Granted I am trying to do it between also doing stuff for the kids and cleaning, of which I've done very little the last couple of days, my kitchen is a disaster. I really just wanted to see where I stood on each subject. As I've said, I haven't done any learning in a long time. Not on subjects that I will be tested on. I was worried I would do exceedingly terrible on all the tests. I surprised myself. My scores aren't all that great but for a 7 year stint from it all, I'm more relieved then worried at this point. With some basic refreshing I should be good to go and can possibly get a pretty decent score on my ASVAB.

So, for everyone's amusement I present... my scores.

General Science: 12/25

I had the most trouble with family types of different species. I was decent in Biology but I tended to not pay as much attention.

Arithmetic Reasoning: 17/30

I figured I would have some issues with math, its mostly an issue with the wording for me. There were lots of fractions, I mean, fractions were what. Middle school.

Word Knowledge: 31/35

I knew this would be one of my strongest subjects, I had no worries and flew through the 35 questions in under 5 minutes or so, I had never heard of two of them (raconteur, collusion) and the other two, one I blanked on the meaning (consternation) and the other I didn't think about in a deep enough manner (tactile).

raconteur: A raconteur is someone who tells stories. the word even sounds a little like "recount" (After I read that I realized I had pronounced it wrong, pronouncing something correctly really does make a big difference)

collusion: The noun collusion refers to an agreement of an illicit or secret nature. (I will definitely be using this word more often)

Tactile most nearly means:

A) ghastly

B) easy

C) patient

D) tangible

I really didn't think any of them fit and I originally put down D and then second guessed myself. I suppose I shouldn't have.

Paragraph Comprehension: 14/15

I believe this goes hand in hand with the whole the word knowledge part, I was very confident in this one as well, only one gave me a bit of trouble, the wording seemed to fit two different options and I just choose one.

As the sky opened up and the sun at last rushed into the room, Toby smiled knowing that the game would proceed as planned. It had to, if only because his father would be there and it might be the last opportunity he would have to see Toby play. Now the birds began to appear here and there. Toby got out his baseball glove and ball and waited for his dad to arrive to take him to the game.

8. The mood of the character in the passage is

A) sad

B) careless

C) uneasy

D) eager

Which answer would you choose because I apparently choose wrong... The answer they say is D. I think both A and C could easily fit as well.. oh well.

Mathematics Knowledge: 11/25

Okay so I did so very poorly on this, except for the 15% on the dinner bill I haven't kept up my math at all and here it shows. I could not remember any formulas, the ones I got right were based off of pure logical thinking. I haven't done any geometry since high school Freshman year or so. Going to need to work a great deal on this, I am better then this, I just need to get my brain back into it.

(x-4) (x-4) = huh?

Yeah.

Electronics Information: 12/20

I did so much better on this then I thought I was going to. My brain is just not designed to retain information about this sort of stuff. I am not mechanically or electronically minded. I have so much trouble retaining this sort of information, so when I saw I had only missed eight on this section, even though eight is a great deal for only twenty questions I was practically giddy.

The formula for Ohm's Law is

A) E= I X R

B) E= I - R

C) E= I + R

D) E= I / R

Who?

Auto and Shop Information: 8/25

Okay, I have to say, this is the poorest I did on any of the tests. You would think being married to a mechanic for so many years would have helped me here but no, my soon to be ex husband would be so disappointed in me. I loved hearing him talk about what he did but I can't retain it, even when I asked tons of questions to try to understand. I suppose I won't be working on engines any time soon. Also... I don't care what kind of hammer a mechanic would have or not have... hammers are relatively all the same... they pound things, but hey I got the "what stroke is this in the four-stroke cycle" question right, so... maybe he wouldn't feel it was all a waste.

Mechanical Comprehension: 13/25

This pretty much falls under the my brain isn't suited for this category. I get it but it takes me a long time. I have to do a lot of re-asking before it sinks in. Okay, so here I got one wrong. I would just like to ask if anyone sees anything different in the two towers below, because I see NONE, but apparently there is one.

The answer guide says:

The outlet pipe on tower B is nearer to the bottom of the cistern then the outlet

pipe for tower A.

NONE.

Also.. if someone could explain this one for me...

Question 19 has an illustration of 4 gears and says:

The gears in the illustration all have the same number of teeth. If gear X moves

clockwise, which statement about gear Y is true? (X is the first gear, Y is the 4th)

A) gear Y moves counterclockwise

B) gear Y moves twice as fast as gear X

C) gear Y moves 1/3 slower than gear X

D) gear Y moves moves clockwise

This would be all well and good except the answer in the back is:

D - The energy of movement is known as kinetic energy.

Wait wait, what?

Assembling Objects: 20/25

So here I had little trouble, they weren't terribly difficult. The first part of this test (questions 1-12) You had to figure out which set of pieces best showed how the object would look with all the pieces put together, that wasn't terribly difficult. The second half was just as easy (questions 13-25) you had to pick which figure best showed how it would look like is point A and point B had a line connecting them. Okay, easy, except that the book has another error.

This should have been put in a Highlights magazine, as one of those "lets find out whats wrong with the picture" images. How exactly am I supposed to get this right if all the answers are wrong? (I even circled it for you.)

Anyways, that was the last test and I think even with the low scores in some of the categories, I am very happy with how I did. This is more or less the pre-test for me. Now I know what to really focus on, hopefully Ill do better with the other review tests in here. It's good feeling like I haven't lost as much as I had thought. When I'm done studying, I will be just flying through this test. I'm excited.

Staring into the deep

We just got back from the apartment complex pool party. It was a full on BBQ with everything you could want. They had games for the kids; fill the bucket with a sponge relay race, child and parent water balloon toss, egg races. I tossed the balloon with Baby Grr, another adult offered to help with Bubbaloo. One of me, two of them. If only I could split in two, or three, or ten. They gave prizes to the winners and candy was handed out freely. Baby Grr won a set of goggles and a diving toy in the shape of a squid, Bubbaloo won a mini beach ball with an american flag theme to it and a shiny red SLAP BRACELET. Okay seriously, where did those things go? They were all the rage and then died out. I clearly remember slapping the hell out of friends on the playground, those things were violent but fun.

(They came in all those nifty designs, however I'm not sure why a grown man would wear one^)

The managers of this complex are just amazing, fun and friendly, willing to help you if you have a problem. When the ambulance came they stopped by my door to see if I needed any assistance with anything, freely gave out parking passes to my family so they could be here to help me. I wish I didn't have to move but with no job anymore and the pending divorce there is just no way to cover the rent. I'd like to stay, that would be awesome, but it makes no sense to try.

I haven't liked an apartment complex as much as I have liked this place, even the military housing at Fort Drum wasn't half as nice even though it was bigger. In fact the place in Steilacoom wasn't 1/10 as good, it was also larger, though Steilacoom had more town fairs which were nice to go to, spend a whole Saturday and spend nothing but still have fun. Or at least the kids and I always had fun, I can't speak for anyone else. I guess thats the toss up of finding a place, each one has its perks. Let's hope wherever the Army sends me, I will have as good of an experience as I've had this time around, I highly doubt it, but one can wish.

Comprehension 101

I went to the bookstore and bought two ASVAB books. I wanted to make sure I had more then a couple tests to try and take, with a wide range of questions. I probably should just tell people I'm looking into getting into the Army as a medic, describing the Lioness program is annoying, most people haven't heard of it. ( http://www.usmilitary.com/3806/female-lioness-program-trains-marines/ ) The cashier at the counter gave me that look as if to say "yeah right lady" I just grinned at him and shrugged "Don't know unless I try" and he looked a bit taken aback. I caught him, people hate when you do that. "Good Luck" was all he said. I walked out, I want to do this, things are possible when you try. I can get in.

I took the kids to Mcdonalds for being good through all the running through bookstores. We don't eat out often, but then they could get some running in while I sat and did some equations. I hadn't had a book like that sitting in front of me for a very long time. It felt good, even when I struggled to answer, I forgot how much I loved learning information. I haven't really put forth the effort to learn much on my own that isn't art related. I am not a very good self learner, I'm better in a class setting.

I'm dumbfounded by how much I've lost since high school. I choose to have kids before bothering to try to go back, I didn't think they would make me feel so confined, no, not the exact word I'm looking for but close. I felt unable to move forward, like I was waiting around for them to get older so I could have enough time to do what I wanted and now 7 years have flown by and here I am trying to remember simple algebra. I was good in school, well decent, I choose to be lazy in school, but I understood what was put before me. I need a real refresher, it takes me a moment but then it slowly comes back to me. Would be easier if I had a real tutor but the books will have to do.

I miss math more then I thought I did. Watching my page slowly get filled with equations was almost delightful. I laughed when I did my math wrong, man I've gotten bad. I wished for a different color pen to show my corrections better. I can see myself slowly getting into the mindset. Homework was always a pain, but this seems like its going to be fun. Ill post some questions when I get into it more, I only got through a couple questions, it's hard to work when people keep stopping you to ask you a ton of a questions.

I should try for some sleep soon. Never enough of that these days.

The body is an amazing piece of engineering

So a couple months ago I woke one morning with mild back pain, thought it was a period

cramp. That was Monday. By Wednesday I could barely walk. I went into the ER, and that

was such an experience its unbelievable, I've never had such a problem with the ER before.

Nurses not listening, people telling me my diagnostic instead of trying to find out what was

so clearly wrong. They gave me dilated, did nothing for the pain, in fact it caused more. In my

upper abdominal, I could barely breath, the nurse told me I was having a panic attack. I don't

have panic attacks, I was in severe pain, still he wouldn't listen and I got belligerent, not that

that helped the situation but when you are in pain and the person who is supposed to help

you with it wont listen to you in any way shape or form, you can't help it. I'm in and out of the

hospital all the time, I'm just accident prone, it happens, whatever. I KNOW when something

is wrong with my body, something was seriously wrong, and no one would hear me out. I

was crying, I almost never cry out of pain. I've had two kids, been in labor an entire day,

had my appendix rupture, knee surgery, gal bladder.. I mean, I'm no virgin to pain, but this,

it made me scream it hurt so bad, like my insides were on fire, eating away at my very core,

keeping me from breathing. It's an experience I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I have to say

though, having experienced it once, I would probably handle it much better if it ever

happened again. After that they gave me a muscle relaxer, I asked what it was for, and they

told me, but I also asked if they were giving it to me because they thought I was having a

panic attack. No was what they said, but in reality it's what they put on the chart. Pisses me

off. Then, they sent me home. I walked out of there, if walking is what you can call it, I was

more like a 90 year old woman with a broken back, but I was too loopy from the drugs to

protest.

The next morning I couldn't walk anymore. I low crawled my way to the bathroom door

and just laid there. It was exhausting only using my arms to pull my entire body across the

bedroom floor and the hallway. I called my parents, which really feels embarrassing, I mean,

as a grown adult I'm not opposed to asking for help, but having to call your parents to come

help you to the bathroom is a bit soul crushing. They came over, along with my sister's

boyfriend, The British Man, who is a complete dear and I love him to death, and they all debated as if I was not even there, the best thing to do in the situation. My mom told me to just wet myself, right there on the carpet, she would clean it up. Fuck that I said, which seemed to delight The British Man a great deal. I continued to low crawl my butt into the bathroom, each movement shot pain down my spine, the back of my legs and made my feet feel numb but to hell if I was going to just lay there and piss all over myself. Once in the bathroom the decision was obvious, couldn't sit, so the bathtub it was. Getting over that huge slab of white was unbelievably daunting and twice I gave up and laid back down on the bathroom linoleum. My parents were downstairs and The British Man just stood watching me. I think, above all else, that actually made me happy, he wasn't entirely treating me like an invalid, though he did offer to help at the beginning, when I refused he just waited there in case I needed him. That's the way to do it folks, people don't like to feel helpless or unable to care for themselves. I felt like a small child or an ant but even they have the advantage because they aren't working through pain and an inability to function. When I finally got into the tub, which felt like an immense feet of strength and willpower, my jaw was sore from gritting my teeth and my whole body ached, but I had made sure I wasn't going to pee all over the place and myself and even if peeing in the bathtub isn't exactly something you would want to do every day, knowing I had gotten in made me fill with pride. Such small things you become thankful for when something goes wrong. Isn't that how it always is? Now if I could only hold onto that feeling of accomplishment. The British Man asked if I needed help with anything, which of course by this point I did, I needed help pulling my pants off. We looked at each other and we laughed a little and he went to go get my mom, though if she hadn't been there, I do believe he probably would have helped me with it. Man my sister is one lucky girl. Long story Long I went into the ER at a different hospital. They wanted to cut me open and move some junk around in my spin I told them to piss off, signed myself out of the hospital and went to see a physical therapist. She said that I had a bulge disc. Like a sprained ankle but in the back, the problem being that the spine doesn't have as much blood flow going to it. She and I got to talking and I told her about how I wanted to join and she told me she would try to give me exercises that I could use to help work out every part of me and I have to say... they really do.

Working out every night has been more difficult then I thought it would, between the sleep

deprivation and lack of real motivation its hard working through all the aches and pains.

This morning I was unbelievably sore, I really didn't feel like even sitting up but it's amazing

how doing more exercising, just the mild bit of swimming, made my abs feel so much better

then they had. And now I'm full circle on the whole topic.

Stumbling on the hurdles

It's 15:09, I think I'll always add in the time, makes it easy to see how random my brain feels. I don't think of writing at normal times. The middle of the afternoon and I am already on some sort of downward spiral feeling. I can't recall when I started feeling so down about everything. I need to clean and put the laundry away. I need to clean the floor and vacuum. None of these things do I want to do, not that anyone does but I don't even feel like swimming. I'm tired from lack of sleep, from the lack of support. Feels like even though I'm trying to move forward I'm being crushed by everything else I am dealing with, makes me want to do nothing, makes me feel terribly lazy.

I think today I'm going to go to the bookstore, pick up some ASVAB books, I need a refresher, not being in school for 6 years I've forgotten some formulas for math, I'm not terribly strong in the whole shop and electrical department. Not that I did too poorly on some of the practice questions I've tried. About 50% or so. Not so bad for having done no studying since graduation.

I suppose these entries will mostly be short, kids tend to take most of your time anyways. Which means, time for the pool as its nice out and they would like to do. My abs hurt from the workouts, I'm sure the water will feel good, it isn't such a tough work out that my abs should feel even more stressed from it, not that I don't have to work out again tonight anyways. I suppose I'll hit the store later. Maybe getting my books will help me clean so I can feel I'm getting things rolling.

Starting Line

It's 4am and I should be asleep. I need to wake up in less then 3 hours, be alert and ready for the day, but I wont be. I haven't been able to do that for a long time. I suppose that its partly a cycle of bad sleeping habits at this point but soon I'm hoping to change all that.

I'm not making much sense, probably because I started in the middle instead of the beginning. It will happen. Often. I hope this wont turn into some ridiculous bitchy rant-fest but I suppose that will be yet to be seen, and until then I can't say what this is. All I know is that starting a new beginning sometimes takes making steps in odd directions. Maybe this will cure my inability to sleep? Maybe I'll find the support I need to realize my dream. Maybe I'll write into the void of the internet and find nothing. Who knows.

So lets start from somewhere in all this that will make it all become clear. I want to be in the military. Specifically the Marines, more pointedly a Lioness. I'm not sure if I can be, medical issues may prevent that particular choice, but then, if nothing else, I want to go Army, as a medic. I don't how I'm going to get there at this point, but I plan to do so. My knee had surgery on it, and my motivation is low from lack of support in this decision. However, I've wanted to be in the military since I was little, 9 or so, I used to run around playing soldier when other little girls were painting their nails. Something about being in the military just always appealed to me. It's like a yearning Ive always held onto, one that just sits in pit of my stomach, heavies my heart and chokes up my throat. I'm not particularly patriotic and even though I come from a military family, I do believe that factor didn't contribute to this want and/or need. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully explain what I mean but I am satisfied in the fact that I know at least one other person who understands that feeling, even if neither of us can express it wholly.

I'm not entirely sure how to breach into the next part of all this. It's a combination of issues that have kept me from acting upon this desire, many of which still remain, though to a lesser extent. I'm creeping up to the age limit, though I'm still more then a handful of years behind it, but I don't want to surpass it before I get a chance my try. 25 isn't old but it feels as if I'm slowly losing time. When did I start thinking I was losing time? I haven't the faintest really, though probably more so in the last couple of months then any time before. I had all these plans, and I was willing to shove the idea of joining aside forever, but then he changed them all. In a single moment my life went from planned out to falling to pieces. Not entirely shocking, divorce will do that, but in that moment I found I really didn't know where I wanted to go with my life. I had decided on going to school and becoming a pastry chef. I really do love baking, I find so much peace when I'm measuring out flour and sugar and salt, but it was a choice based off of inability to decide. I like so many art related subjects, I wasn't sure where I wanted to put my efforts. So, I just picked something. Granted I've been told many times it's something I should seriously look into, and if I ever get in and then discharge I might just use my GI Bill to go do that, however it isn't something I'm passionate enough about to go get my ass into gear. Maybe I lost that part of myself when I gave up on my desire all those years ago. I never once thought I would get married or have kids, I was never the prettiest and so I always thought I would be alone, married to my job so to speak. Then he came into my life and everything did a 180. Well here I am turning around again and what I found when I did was that I was still wishing for this.

It's going to be a tough way there. I'm completely out of shape, and I feel alone in all this, and then there is the pending divorce and the kids to worry about, but, I think, it's time I stop putting aside what I want and need and work towards something that will make me feel like myself again.