First I got sick. I spent two - three weeks feeling terrible, coughing up gunk and having pressure headaches. It went around the house, the kids got sick too, first in fact, but not as badly as I. I am always thankful for that, it is so much worse being sick and then dealing with someone more sick then you who needs constant attention and complains ten times more. They are children, I understand that, but it doesn't make the situation any easier, specially when you yourself want constant attention and want to complain all the time, heh. The biggest problem with the cold is that is wiped my strength, I did NO exercising and such minimal studying it's pathetic. I fell behind on where I wanted to be and it killed my drive and resolve to some extent.
Second I still have yet to find a job. I was so very lucky with my last one, where they made amends for my weird schedule that happened because of the kids. The problem now is that I don't have someone who is definitely going to watch the kids for the weekend, so I can't really put weekend hours on there. No one wants to hire someone who can't work weekends. It's such a catch 22. Just like getting babysitting help from the dshs. I can't get the help unless I get a job, I can't get a job unless I have someone to watch Baby Grr. I wish they had a program that gave babysitting for say a month or two so someone could find the time to LOOK for a job, but apparently that makes no sense... none at all. I hate having to ask for help like that but it's starting to look pretty bleak here.
I would like to say that my ex-sister-in-law once said something I truly believe in and was happy to be reminded of (we all lose our ability to see truth every now and then); that people are in our lives at the time and place they are in them for a reason. I have found that now, more then ever, I see that. The Marine came into our lives right when there was a need for a male role model for Bubbaloo. I will never be able to thank him enough for that. I am in such a great debt to him for it that it seems overwhelming, even if Bubbaloo didn't completely take everything away from it he could, The Marine was there at just the right moment. So too I think The Shoulder has been and I think it is in this that many miscalculations have been made. I love The Shoulder, he is by far one of my dearest friends, but I am not in love with him by any means. We ran into each other right when I needed someone like him in my life the most. He and I understand each other in a way that is beyond all the norms. Almost like a twin. In this he was more correct then I and I think I've only been able to truly see that now with the distance put between us. I probably owe him some sort of apology. I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to be sorry for though. Mixed up feelings from all thats been going on? Giving him guff when it was unneeded, probably. I'm sure he will understand though, in fact I'm more then sure.
On a side note, I have slowly been getting back into working out. I was wiped from the cold but I believe it was the depression from all the stress that really shut me down. I want to join. I can see myself being happy as a soldier. What I can't seem to envision is how I'm going to get there. I need to find my drive again. I lost it somewhere in all the mess that my life has become but it's still there, nagging at the back of my mind, reminding me how I'm failing to become what I want to be. I have been running again, just around the block, getting my fat ass moving. On top of that I've been doing sit ups. I swore I couldn't do a single one. I did 50 yesterday and I wasn't even sore afterwards. I just stopped because it was a bit late and I needed to sleep. I took them slowly though, did them in about a hour or so but still 50 is 50 more then I even thought I could do. Sometimes I clearly amaze myself. The problem is the difference between amazing myself and pushing myself. I need to get back into pushing myself. I need to wake up one morning with a sense of renewal or something Hallmarky like that.
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