I had thought I was going to keep it long, and it was long, slowly becoming a butt wiping sensation. I was thinking I would keep it till I went into the recruiter, cut it for charity, something or other of that nature. The problem lies in the fact that it was pretty damaged. On a whole I don't really take tons of extra care of my hair. I just let it be as it will be. The ends were pretty frayed and where the split ended and the rest of the hair began became a blurred line. My hair is naturally a bit wavy but ever since my perm a few years ago it has been massive curly, ridiculously so. I really can't do much with it anymore. I was sitting around on Friday with my friend Marmar, shooting the breeze, trying to decide what to do with our time. Something she said just hit me, it wasn't anything particularly special, and not even related to hair and to be honest I can't even recall what it was. What I do remember is thinking "I kept my hair long because he liked it long and I wanted him to see it long." (The he being the man I am now getting a divorce from) I had been excusing my lack of getting it cut as trying to grow it out till I went to see a recruiter because I wanted it to stay long till I joined and HAD to cut it. Trying to convince myself that I would care if my hair wasn't long anymore because I had no choice in the matter. I realized, in that split second of that non-memorable statement, that I really didn't care if my hair was long or short at this moment. I had been keeping it, and it was literally weighing me down as I have very thick hair and it was exceptionally long at the time, because of some unspoken need to keep something that I had control of but that represented a part of me I hadn't thought was still there, that need to please him to some extent by doing something he liked. She was still talking and I just interjected: "I'm going to cut my hair" "What?" "Yeah" "Now?" "Why not" "Okay" "You don't think I will" "I believe you" "But?" "You are still sitting there" "Good point" At this point I stood and walked out of the room. "Brewski! Where are your hair cutting scissors?" "Why?" "I'm going to cut my hair?" "Would you like me to do it?" "No" I truly believe that when doing something like this you need to do it yourself. I wanted to cut away that part of me, not have someone else do it. Even if it turned out terrible, even if my hair looked a mess and I needed to have it fixed. I would be the one cutting off the part of me that I wanted gone. I stood in the mirror looking at my hair. My last hair cut was pretty terrible and all my hair was uneven to begin with, that made it challenging because I needed some point to start from. I realize I would HAVE to have him help me. So I relented and he cut it just so it was a straight line and then I went to work. I took the scissors and just relentlessly snipped away at strands of hair that had taken months to grow to such lengths, granted my hair grows pretty fast. I mean I can cut my hair up to my chin and have it mid-back in less then a year, so cutting my hair isn't something I'm afraid of. If it sucks, it grows back out, and quickly. If it doesn't, then yay. I stopped trying to measure the lengths so they were the same, my hair curls every time I let go of a strand it curled and looked different then the other side. I soon just found myself enjoying watching the pieces fall into the trash. By the time I was done my hair, which had tickled my crack was now just barely above my breasts, and for cutting my hair for the first time myself, looks pretty damn good, in fact, I've gotten many MANY compliments on it. The best kind too, not just from some other girl, but from guys. Ones I've never met before. I do have to say though, that when I wake in the morning it puffs out and I have total Farrah Fawcett head, not that I'm entirely sure that's a bad thing though, she was worshiped as a sex goddess by many.
That evening I dropped the kids off with their dad for the weekend. It's always weird doing that. It's such conflicting emotions. I miss them because they are my kids and I love them but it's nice to get a complete break since I deal with them ALL THE TIME and usually ALL BY MYSELF. I feel bad that I'm happy they are going but I know that without the breaks I would go completely stark raving mad. I came back and Marmar and I discussed trying to do something this without the kids I could go do something adult for once. I tried calling a coworker of my brother's but he didn't pick up. In the end we figured we could just go visit with her friend in Issaquah. Right as we were getting up to go Mom walked through the door and told us she was going dancing with her friend at Rock Salt but was meeting her at her friends house. We asked if she wanted to just all take one car. We could drop her off and then we could go visit with Marmar's friend and in the morning we would pick her up and come home. Halfway there though I thought dancing sounded like far more fun. Marmar was so apprehensive because she doesn't believe she can dance. I personally think she just needs practice. We decide to go to the club instead. We danced for hours straight, she got asked to dance probably 15 times minimum. I think it was just the ego boost she needed right now and I was more then happy to play her wingman. I don't really care to dance with anyone, I just rather let the music take me. We left at 2 am and as we were walking to the car we were asked by these two men how our evening had been, we stood there talking with them for about 20 minutes and then they offered to buy all three of us something to eat. We tried multiple times to say no but eventually we just gave in and told them yes. So we went to our car with the promise that we would follow them to the diner. As we were getting into the car another group of men asked us if we wanted to follow them as they were heading to a house party. We politely declined, about 5 times, before they would move their car from behind ours. We went to the diner and ordered and sat around chatting for almost two hours. It was a pleasant enough conversation. At four am we got back into the car and I spent the next hour singing Bloodhound Gangs "Wake up you're asleep at the wheel" every time my eyes felt like they were heavy enough to close permanently. I didn't wake till almost noon the next day. I can't even recall the last time I slept till noon, even when I have been sick.
Saturday Marmar wanted to go run some errands, so we got ready and went out to a couple places. A few stores here and there. She got some running shoes, we ate lunch, and we stopped off at Costco. I swear I live there. There isn't many stores in this area that sell fresh foods, a Fred Meyers, Albertsons, and Safeway but except for the Safeway, which is farther away, they are pretty expensive when compared to Costco. Sad as it is, it is far cheaper to go to Costco and let some of the food go to waste then it is to go to any of the other stores and buy in non-bulk, though there isn't half as much food waste here, as there are 5 people eating all the time. However, I'm getting pretty sure Brewski's coworkers are starting to wonder if I'm nuts since I'm there all the time. Since I don't have a job I run errands. I drop Brewski off to work, I get the bread or the milk or the cereal or any other number of items we are low on. I don't particularly mind to be honest, it means I get to look at my brothers very good looking coworker. Who I'm sure is completely creeped out by me and thinks I'm a total stalker. Oh well. I mostly bug him because he was just about the only one I knew. That however has changed, at least a bit. The Welcomer, about a week beforehand, had invited me to go with them to the haunted corn maze. It sounds so very hillbilly, little country bumpkinish but I think, even though I love the city, I really enjoy such things. I was a tad worried though. Brewski wasn't inviting me, his coworker was. I didn't know how he would take it. I tried to get Marmar to go but she decided to go visit her friend we hadn't gone to see the night before. She left after a round of Rockband. Brewski and I went to the maze, it was a complete blast. We stood in line for almost two hours waiting for the haunted maze but though it wasn't terribly scary it was well worth it to watch his coworkers scream bloody murder. I laughed hysterically at Tastes Like Fall. This guy with an ICP looking clown mask followed her for a couple turns because she was so freaked by him at first. He told her he would leave her alone if she just said she loved clowns, unfortunately for her she couldn't hear him over her own screams and her boyfriend was just laughing too much to tell her. So I turned around and said "Just say you love clowns and he will go away" and she responded, in a very scared and loud scream "I LOVE CLOWNS! I LOVE CLOWNS!" and the guy laughed and said bye bye and scampered off back through the corn. It was glorious. I almost peed myself with laughter. I was the only girl who didn't scream or jump, sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have been born a man. heh. We had some hot chocolate and snacks before going into the bigger non-haunted maze, spent about a hour wandering through that before we finally found the exit. It was so hard to see anything in either maze, it was late, about 10 pm or so before we even got into the haunted maze, walking around in the dark with corn taller then you are blocking out all the light. I found out the spotlight for the camera on my phone is exceedingly bright, ridiculously so, practically a flood light. It was cold out but even though I was wearing Bermuda shorts and a tank top(since it had been warm during the day and I hadn't gotten a chance to change) I wasn't cold till we got between the corn. There was a ton of fog and corn kept it from dissipating, everyone else was getting hot because of the adrenaline from being scared. I unfortunately didn't have that. By the time we got out of the maze my hands were stiff from cold. After the second maze we decided to go home since it was already 12. I didn't fall asleep till 2. I was trying to do my sit ups. They took forever, my body was tired.
Sunday was a far calmer day. I did some laundry and started in on dinner once I woke up. I made Butternut Squash Soup with buttermilk rolls. I decided to roast the veggies in the oven instead of cooking them in the pot with stock like most recipes called for. I figured I would let them all boil together but after they had that first bit of roasting flavor on them. Midway through it all I had to stop and go pick up the kids. I'm hoping that I won't be doing that again any time soon. He should be the one to come pick up the kids if he wishes to see them and I think he realizes that. He even apologized for making me drive them back and forth. We had a nice chat about what we had done during our weekends. It's weird talking to him. In some ways its no different then it was before, we get along and we chat about random stuff and we make jokes to and about each other. We laugh and smile and generally don't have any animosity between us unless the topic of parenting or money comes up, even the later isn't all that bad. However, it doesn't change that we are splitting apart and that can be felt. Sometimes it like we are going to hug, or at least thats what feels like should happen next but we don't, we just stand there awkwardly. Sometimes it feels weird, like we are abruptly ending the conversation because otherwise we could stand there all day shooting the breeze. I mean, for years we spent hours together not even talking, it wouldn't be abnormal to sit in a room with him without talking and feel natural. He was my best friend for years, and even now, we still agree on many things. It seems odd that we can so very much be alike and yet be so completely different. I make little to no effort to talk to him and he makes little to no effort to talk to me but when we are around each other, it's almost this weird pull to talk to each other. Like we just can't ignore one another when the other is near by. Maybe it's just habit now, we have spoken to each other for so long, that it's just something habitual in nature that pulls at us. Sometimes it's nice knowing we can speak to one another, I prefer it that way, I don't want to think we would be at each others throats all the time but sometimes, sometimes I wish it was hard, or that we would be nasty and mean, so that it could be completely done with.
My legs were so sore this morning. Dancing, standing around for hours, walking around doing errands, running around the block, using them for clam shells and sit ups. I did a lot of working out this weekend, even if it wasn't conventional. Sometimes I think I see a difference, sometimes I'm not so sure. I should go buy a scale but that will just have to wait till I get a job I suppose. Something I am desperately looking for. The problem of the kids not being watched still exists right now but I'm hoping it will get sorted out soon. I'm not looking forward to not having money for food or gas or insurance next month. It's scary thinking I might not be able to make all my payments on time. I'm already in for enough. Sometimes it's so much fun being an adult, you get to do so many new and fun things, and yet sometimes being an adult just blows.
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