Slowly losing sanity

I completely forgot Wednesday was Bubbaloo's parent teacher conference, so no Korean drama with The British Man last week. I was hoping we could finally get into it but it seems its not to be for now, oh well. We will try again. I think we said Monday. Who knows. It's hard finding time because of the timezones and our lives actually getting filled with things. At least we stay in contact.

My knee has been hurting, it was swollen and the muscles around it ached. I have no idea why it's that way but there has been no working out while waiting for it to feel better. I feel pathetic not doing anything, I always seem to have spurts of feeling like an invalid. I could barely walk, even sitting hurt, so there wasn't much chance of running or sit ups. I swear I can feel the weight being put back on, doesn't help that since I'm the family cook and I couldn't really stand around doing that that there has been no decent healthy meals. I feel terrible when I can't work out at night. It's funny, isn't it, there were nights I felt too tired to do anything or too lazy, so I didn't but not even having the option to work out feels horrid. It's like feeling hungry when there is no food to eat but having passed up food the day before. It's sucks so much because I am not at all physically fit, as it stands, and so getting back into working out is going to take some serious effort. It's like starting all over again from the beginning each time I have to take a step back.

I have finished the kids costumes. I've mentioned them before but I actually got around to them. It took me a couple hours three days in a row to finish them. I think they turned out pretty well for not having any drive or want or patterns to do them with. The kids are happy with them, which is what matters anyways. I always liked homemade costumes better, they have more heft to them, the fabric used in the mass produced ones are always so cheap and break so easily, the kids play with the homemade ones for the entire year most of the time, and they really last through the beating. I suppose if anyone goes to the link they will hear on repeat but it begs that I should restate some things here. Like I mentioned, I don't use patterns, I have never learned how to use them and so when I sew I usually just do it by visually seeing something and manufacturing a "pattern" that works to make it look the same. It's a terrible way to sew and I have asked many times to be taught how to use a pattern but that has come to no avail. The strawberry shortcake costume was actually the easier of the two. I sewed the skirt onto an already made white shirt to save on making sleeves more then once. Lazy way of doing things but it looks good so I personally don't care. I couldn't for the life of me find any tights that were green and white, I looked in many stores, and so I bought a can of fabric spray paint stuff and had at a pair of white ones with some tape. I think they turned out pretty good considering. I have never made a hat before and I have to say it was surprisingly easy. It's a bit floppy but she said she liked it that way. The scream costume was a pain to figure out. I have never done sleeves before, so it was much harder to understand then I thought it would be, the hood was relatively easy though and I think it turned out well, specially since he wanted it to point in the back and I managed that pretty flawlessly. I haven't done anything for my costume but I think I will just be a pirate, all stuff I can find in my closet.

Strawberry Shortcake by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Scream by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I have yet to find a job, it's getting down to the wire and I'm slowly getting more stressed by it. I need one. I need to find a way to pay my bills and feed my kids. Thank god I don't have to worry about rent yet. I keep turning in applications but the same problems arise as before. It's tiring and frustrating and just adds to an already long list of worries.

I still haven't carved my pumpkin, I think I might get to that once I'm done posting, but who knows maybe I'll just make pumpkin pies with it. I so haven't been in the spirit. I haven't really been in the spirit to do much of anything. I'm so very tired all the time, not physically, though that does happen when I have next to nothing to do, specially with my leg the way it has been, but emotionally, just drained of all ability and want to care. It doesn't help that all my problems seem to be converging on me at the same time. Let's hope that this is the one time in my life I truly feel like Atlas.

Running down the bus

This last week was rather uneventful, turned in more job applications, sat around, played some videogames. I'm not sure which is worse, working full time with no breaks and slowly getting worn out or doing nothing and feeling your brain turn to mush. I wouldn't be so completely unreasonably bored if I felt I was allowed to do anything in this house. As it is, its like living in a prison, whenever I start something I'm reprimanded about it and so it kills my drive to do it at all. About the only eventful part of the week was Thursday when my Grandmother stopped by. She brought pumpkins for the kids to carve, Baby Grr while Bubbaloo was at school and he after he returned. It's so funny how different children's temperment can be. Baby Grr stuck her hands right in, swirled the seeds around and let the mush squish between her fingers. Bubbaloo didn't even want to touch the stuff and had her pull out the insides for him instead. However, this means that if I want to do a pumpkin this year, I need to go to the store all on my own to get one. I'm not sure I care that much though.

Friday was about as uneventful as the rest of the week. I put off working out because I was physically really tired. I couldn't be arsed. I probably shouldn't have but I could barely manage getting up from the chair most of the evening, working out would have just racked me.

Saturday I went into Costco, because I live there, heh. Brewski had been asked to dress up in a costume because he was handing out candy, trying to sell bags of it for Halloween and the kids really wanted to see him doing it. He wore my Poppi's Three Musketeer outfit, they even gave him a name tag that said Dartanian, though it's really D'Artagnan. Thought it was pretty nifty but that's probably because I'm a sappy pants at heart. I got to have a nice long chat with The British Man, I miss him terribly. It may be weird that I have such affection for CSI's boyfriend but there is something so very familiar about him and his brother. As if I have known them my whole life, we could have been raised in the same town. I hope they stay together a long time. I love seeing them together, its gooey and makes me want to throw up, which is a good thing, truly. I was going to work out that evening but I fell asleep, on the couch, at 20:00. The kids weren't even in bed yet. I haven't gone to bed so early in the a long time but the most amazing part was I slept until 8 the next morning.

Sunday I was supposed to work on the kids Halloween costumes but I failed to do so. I found that the needle to my sewing machine had broken and I didn't know where any of my other ones were. So it was off to a trip to the fabric store. I was in a pretty foul temper the whole day. I'm not entirely sure why, just didn't feel happy. I hate having days like that, everything tends to set you off, even if it isn't something important or noteworthy, I was snappy with everyone including myself. I did however get to chat with my sister, I miss her like crazy and she spent most of the time laughing at the goofy things the kids kept doing. I was going to work out that evening too but I felt physically ill and the thought of doing sit ups and push ups when I really felt so terrible made me feel even worse. I was however looking forward to running in the rain, even though that never happened.

This morning my alarm went off but I didn't hear it, I woke late and so Bubbaloo woke late, he was running around trying to get ready for school. We made it out the door and right as we did the bus pulled around the corner. I grabbed his hand and we started running down the street. The bus driver very kindly said he would wait for us but it wouldn't have been fair to make all the kids sit there and wait while we leisurely strolled to the end of the block. We kept running and we made it before a single kid even got on the steps. Not that this is some amazing event but I ran all the way there, full speed and then all the way back to the house full speed. I've been beating myself up all weekend over my laziness about not working out and yet that sprint there and back rejuvenated a good deal of my pride over how far I have come in so little time. It's amazing how it's the small things that make you want to push yourself even more. Let's just hope that my laziness and lack of sleep doesn't overcome me.

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Too late... laziness abounds. I'm sort of out of things to do because everything brings down the wrath of god so I have been watching some Korean dramas: Personal preferences, Boys Over Flowers, Playful Kiss, My Lovely Sam Soon. I got to chat with The British Man yet again today, which is always total win. While we were talking, I told him about the dramas and we thought it would be fun to try to get everyone together once a week or so to sit down, all over the world, connected through the interwebs and watch one. Oh man, funtimes. I hope it can be managed, it will be like old times with zombie killing/rockband night and a rather perfect way to stay connected. I miss them so much. Anyways time to go work on the boxes and the costumes, then dinner and some exercising.

One sit up muwahahahahahaha

Today was mostly uneventful, full of nothingness and boredom and filling out more applications. This is the hardest time I've ever had finding a job, I'm not terribly surprised, just mildly worried and terribly annoyed. I worked on Baby Grr's costume some more. She is going to be strawberry shortcake. I started it last night, its almost completely done already. I cheated a bit but oh well, who cares, so long as its cute. I will work on Bubbaloo's hopefully by the weekend, he wants to be the guy from scream. I am also thinking we will go to pick up pumpkins this weekend too and do them. I never try to do them too early because its moist in the air here, thick heavy fog all week long, which I wish I could capture on my camera but since I haven't really touched it in weeks thats probably not going to happen anyways. Man I'm lazy.

But not too lazy to not do my working out. 50 sit ups in under 30 minutes. 20 standing push ups as I have almost no upper body strength and so cant do them on the ground. (I WILL get there though.) 20 squats. 40 clam shells. Tons of stretching. A 1/4 mile run around the block. I would say thats pretty good for A) being a complete fat ass B) being lazy as hell C) stopping all sort of exercising due to getting really sick D) being almost completely inactive almost 4 months ago.

On a bright side, I spoke with The Shoulder today, we are, as always, just fine. We spoke on a topic that isn't mine to fully discuss, though needless to say the advice I gave him was spot on and he choose to ignore it and is now annoyed with the situation at hand. He is such a man. I couldn't help but chuckle on the phone and he, fully knowing I had been correct, just suffered through. I told him to call if he needed to rant and rave any time in the near future. We talked for a couple hours, as we tend to do, and then got off the phone because he was tired and needed sleep for work. We said our goodbyes and I love yous, which felt comfortable, like saying it to a relative. I don't know what to say. I think my head has been muddled through all this, I have many close guy friends, but none, except him, that I tell I love you to, and yet, it doesn't feel awkward or over the top, just a simple declaration of the truth. We love each other but then again, I love my sister and I would say I love The British Man and The British Echo. I love Marmar and The Programer and so many others of my friends. I think, even if SES said he loved me, I could easily say it back, mean it and not be hurt even if his had been a slip of the tongue. I tend to truly love someone, completely and wholeheartedly when I am close to them. A friend is just as close as a family member, maybe even more so, given certain histories. It's nice hearing that I'm loved. Marmar sent it in a text the other day, it made me smile, when The Shoulder said it, it felt just as nice. Everyone needs to hear they are loved every now and then, even if it's just in a more platonic way. It makes everything feel better, even things you didn't think would feel any better, like a broken heart.

Adultly being a kid

I haven't done so much in so little time for awhile. Where to even start. I could do a classic "In the beginning..." maybe a more modern "this is the end, now lets rewind", how about a "Picture it" as Sophia would so affectionately recall. I think I will just start with my hair. That seems like a good place to start. (cue fade to memory music please, thanks)

I had thought I was going to keep it long, and it was long, slowly becoming a butt wiping sensation. I was thinking I would keep it till I went into the recruiter, cut it for charity, something or other of that nature. The problem lies in the fact that it was pretty damaged. On a whole I don't really take tons of extra care of my hair. I just let it be as it will be. The ends were pretty frayed and where the split ended and the rest of the hair began became a blurred line. My hair is naturally a bit wavy but ever since my perm a few years ago it has been massive curly, ridiculously so. I really can't do much with it anymore. I was sitting around on Friday with my friend Marmar, shooting the breeze, trying to decide what to do with our time. Something she said just hit me, it wasn't anything particularly special, and not even related to hair and to be honest I can't even recall what it was. What I do remember is thinking "I kept my hair long because he liked it long and I wanted him to see it long." (The he being the man I am now getting a divorce from) I had been excusing my lack of getting it cut as trying to grow it out till I went to see a recruiter because I wanted it to stay long till I joined and HAD to cut it. Trying to convince myself that I would care if my hair wasn't long anymore because I had no choice in the matter. I realized, in that split second of that non-memorable statement, that I really didn't care if my hair was long or short at this moment. I had been keeping it, and it was literally weighing me down as I have very thick hair and it was exceptionally long at the time, because of some unspoken need to keep something that I had control of but that represented a part of me I hadn't thought was still there, that need to please him to some extent by doing something he liked. She was still talking and I just interjected: "I'm going to cut my hair" "What?" "Yeah" "Now?" "Why not" "Okay" "You don't think I will" "I believe you" "But?" "You are still sitting there" "Good point" At this point I stood and walked out of the room. "Brewski! Where are your hair cutting scissors?" "Why?" "I'm going to cut my hair?" "Would you like me to do it?" "No" I truly believe that when doing something like this you need to do it yourself. I wanted to cut away that part of me, not have someone else do it. Even if it turned out terrible, even if my hair looked a mess and I needed to have it fixed. I would be the one cutting off the part of me that I wanted gone. I stood in the mirror looking at my hair. My last hair cut was pretty terrible and all my hair was uneven to begin with, that made it challenging because I needed some point to start from. I realize I would HAVE to have him help me. So I relented and he cut it just so it was a straight line and then I went to work. I took the scissors and just relentlessly snipped away at strands of hair that had taken months to grow to such lengths, granted my hair grows pretty fast. I mean I can cut my hair up to my chin and have it mid-back in less then a year, so cutting my hair isn't something I'm afraid of. If it sucks, it grows back out, and quickly. If it doesn't, then yay. I stopped trying to measure the lengths so they were the same, my hair curls every time I let go of a strand it curled and looked different then the other side. I soon just found myself enjoying watching the pieces fall into the trash. By the time I was done my hair, which had tickled my crack was now just barely above my breasts, and for cutting my hair for the first time myself, looks pretty damn good, in fact, I've gotten many MANY compliments on it. The best kind too, not just from some other girl, but from guys. Ones I've never met before. I do have to say though, that when I wake in the morning it puffs out and I have total Farrah Fawcett head, not that I'm entirely sure that's a bad thing though, she was worshiped as a sex goddess by many.

That evening I dropped the kids off with their dad for the weekend. It's always weird doing that. It's such conflicting emotions. I miss them because they are my kids and I love them but it's nice to get a complete break since I deal with them ALL THE TIME and usually ALL BY MYSELF. I feel bad that I'm happy they are going but I know that without the breaks I would go completely stark raving mad. I came back and Marmar and I discussed trying to do something this without the kids I could go do something adult for once. I tried calling a coworker of my brother's but he didn't pick up. In the end we figured we could just go visit with her friend in Issaquah. Right as we were getting up to go Mom walked through the door and told us she was going dancing with her friend at Rock Salt but was meeting her at her friends house. We asked if she wanted to just all take one car. We could drop her off and then we could go visit with Marmar's friend and in the morning we would pick her up and come home. Halfway there though I thought dancing sounded like far more fun. Marmar was so apprehensive because she doesn't believe she can dance. I personally think she just needs practice. We decide to go to the club instead. We danced for hours straight, she got asked to dance probably 15 times minimum. I think it was just the ego boost she needed right now and I was more then happy to play her wingman. I don't really care to dance with anyone, I just rather let the music take me. We left at 2 am and as we were walking to the car we were asked by these two men how our evening had been, we stood there talking with them for about 20 minutes and then they offered to buy all three of us something to eat. We tried multiple times to say no but eventually we just gave in and told them yes. So we went to our car with the promise that we would follow them to the diner. As we were getting into the car another group of men asked us if we wanted to follow them as they were heading to a house party. We politely declined, about 5 times, before they would move their car from behind ours. We went to the diner and ordered and sat around chatting for almost two hours. It was a pleasant enough conversation. At four am we got back into the car and I spent the next hour singing Bloodhound Gangs "Wake up you're asleep at the wheel" every time my eyes felt like they were heavy enough to close permanently. I didn't wake till almost noon the next day. I can't even recall the last time I slept till noon, even when I have been sick.

Saturday Marmar wanted to go run some errands, so we got ready and went out to a couple places. A few stores here and there. She got some running shoes, we ate lunch, and we stopped off at Costco. I swear I live there. There isn't many stores in this area that sell fresh foods, a Fred Meyers, Albertsons, and Safeway but except for the Safeway, which is farther away, they are pretty expensive when compared to Costco. Sad as it is, it is far cheaper to go to Costco and let some of the food go to waste then it is to go to any of the other stores and buy in non-bulk, though there isn't half as much food waste here, as there are 5 people eating all the time. However, I'm getting pretty sure Brewski's coworkers are starting to wonder if I'm nuts since I'm there all the time. Since I don't have a job I run errands. I drop Brewski off to work, I get the bread or the milk or the cereal or any other number of items we are low on. I don't particularly mind to be honest, it means I get to look at my brothers very good looking coworker. Who I'm sure is completely creeped out by me and thinks I'm a total stalker. Oh well. I mostly bug him because he was just about the only one I knew. That however has changed, at least a bit. The Welcomer, about a week beforehand, had invited me to go with them to the haunted corn maze. It sounds so very hillbilly, little country bumpkinish but I think, even though I love the city, I really enjoy such things. I was a tad worried though. Brewski wasn't inviting me, his coworker was. I didn't know how he would take it. I tried to get Marmar to go but she decided to go visit her friend we hadn't gone to see the night before. She left after a round of Rockband. Brewski and I went to the maze, it was a complete blast. We stood in line for almost two hours waiting for the haunted maze but though it wasn't terribly scary it was well worth it to watch his coworkers scream bloody murder. I laughed hysterically at Tastes Like Fall. This guy with an ICP looking clown mask followed her for a couple turns because she was so freaked by him at first. He told her he would leave her alone if she just said she loved clowns, unfortunately for her she couldn't hear him over her own screams and her boyfriend was just laughing too much to tell her. So I turned around and said "Just say you love clowns and he will go away" and she responded, in a very scared and loud scream "I LOVE CLOWNS! I LOVE CLOWNS!" and the guy laughed and said bye bye and scampered off back through the corn. It was glorious. I almost peed myself with laughter. I was the only girl who didn't scream or jump, sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have been born a man. heh. We had some hot chocolate and snacks before going into the bigger non-haunted maze, spent about a hour wandering through that before we finally found the exit. It was so hard to see anything in either maze, it was late, about 10 pm or so before we even got into the haunted maze, walking around in the dark with corn taller then you are blocking out all the light. I found out the spotlight for the camera on my phone is exceedingly bright, ridiculously so, practically a flood light. It was cold out but even though I was wearing Bermuda shorts and a tank top(since it had been warm during the day and I hadn't gotten a chance to change) I wasn't cold till we got between the corn. There was a ton of fog and corn kept it from dissipating, everyone else was getting hot because of the adrenaline from being scared. I unfortunately didn't have that. By the time we got out of the maze my hands were stiff from cold. After the second maze we decided to go home since it was already 12. I didn't fall asleep till 2. I was trying to do my sit ups. They took forever, my body was tired.

Sunday was a far calmer day. I did some laundry and started in on dinner once I woke up. I made Butternut Squash Soup with buttermilk rolls. I decided to roast the veggies in the oven instead of cooking them in the pot with stock like most recipes called for. I figured I would let them all boil together but after they had that first bit of roasting flavor on them. Midway through it all I had to stop and go pick up the kids. I'm hoping that I won't be doing that again any time soon. He should be the one to come pick up the kids if he wishes to see them and I think he realizes that. He even apologized for making me drive them back and forth. We had a nice chat about what we had done during our weekends. It's weird talking to him. In some ways its no different then it was before, we get along and we chat about random stuff and we make jokes to and about each other. We laugh and smile and generally don't have any animosity between us unless the topic of parenting or money comes up, even the later isn't all that bad. However, it doesn't change that we are splitting apart and that can be felt. Sometimes it like we are going to hug, or at least thats what feels like should happen next but we don't, we just stand there awkwardly. Sometimes it feels weird, like we are abruptly ending the conversation because otherwise we could stand there all day shooting the breeze. I mean, for years we spent hours together not even talking, it wouldn't be abnormal to sit in a room with him without talking and feel natural. He was my best friend for years, and even now, we still agree on many things. It seems odd that we can so very much be alike and yet be so completely different. I make little to no effort to talk to him and he makes little to no effort to talk to me but when we are around each other, it's almost this weird pull to talk to each other. Like we just can't ignore one another when the other is near by. Maybe it's just habit now, we have spoken to each other for so long, that it's just something habitual in nature that pulls at us. Sometimes it's nice knowing we can speak to one another, I prefer it that way, I don't want to think we would be at each others throats all the time but sometimes, sometimes I wish it was hard, or that we would be nasty and mean, so that it could be completely done with.

My legs were so sore this morning. Dancing, standing around for hours, walking around doing errands, running around the block, using them for clam shells and sit ups. I did a lot of working out this weekend, even if it wasn't conventional. Sometimes I think I see a difference, sometimes I'm not so sure. I should go buy a scale but that will just have to wait till I get a job I suppose. Something I am desperately looking for. The problem of the kids not being watched still exists right now but I'm hoping it will get sorted out soon. I'm not looking forward to not having money for food or gas or insurance next month. It's scary thinking I might not be able to make all my payments on time. I'm already in for enough. Sometimes it's so much fun being an adult, you get to do so many new and fun things, and yet sometimes being an adult just blows.

What can I say

I have been depressed. It's pretty clearly obvious.

First I got sick. I spent two - three weeks feeling terrible, coughing up gunk and having pressure headaches. It went around the house, the kids got sick too, first in fact, but not as badly as I. I am always thankful for that, it is so much worse being sick and then dealing with someone more sick then you who needs constant attention and complains ten times more. They are children, I understand that, but it doesn't make the situation any easier, specially when you yourself want constant attention and want to complain all the time, heh. The biggest problem with the cold is that is wiped my strength, I did NO exercising and such minimal studying it's pathetic. I fell behind on where I wanted to be and it killed my drive and resolve to some extent.

Second I still have yet to find a job. I was so very lucky with my last one, where they made amends for my weird schedule that happened because of the kids. The problem now is that I don't have someone who is definitely going to watch the kids for the weekend, so I can't really put weekend hours on there. No one wants to hire someone who can't work weekends. It's such a catch 22. Just like getting babysitting help from the dshs. I can't get the help unless I get a job, I can't get a job unless I have someone to watch Baby Grr. I wish they had a program that gave babysitting for say a month or two so someone could find the time to LOOK for a job, but apparently that makes no sense... none at all. I hate having to ask for help like that but it's starting to look pretty bleak here.

I would like to say that my ex-sister-in-law once said something I truly believe in and was happy to be reminded of (we all lose our ability to see truth every now and then); that people are in our lives at the time and place they are in them for a reason. I have found that now, more then ever, I see that. The Marine came into our lives right when there was a need for a male role model for Bubbaloo. I will never be able to thank him enough for that. I am in such a great debt to him for it that it seems overwhelming, even if Bubbaloo didn't completely take everything away from it he could, The Marine was there at just the right moment. So too I think The Shoulder has been and I think it is in this that many miscalculations have been made. I love The Shoulder, he is by far one of my dearest friends, but I am not in love with him by any means. We ran into each other right when I needed someone like him in my life the most. He and I understand each other in a way that is beyond all the norms. Almost like a twin. In this he was more correct then I and I think I've only been able to truly see that now with the distance put between us. I probably owe him some sort of apology. I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to be sorry for though. Mixed up feelings from all thats been going on? Giving him guff when it was unneeded, probably. I'm sure he will understand though, in fact I'm more then sure.

On a side note, I have slowly been getting back into working out. I was wiped from the cold but I believe it was the depression from all the stress that really shut me down. I want to join. I can see myself being happy as a soldier. What I can't seem to envision is how I'm going to get there. I need to find my drive again. I lost it somewhere in all the mess that my life has become but it's still there, nagging at the back of my mind, reminding me how I'm failing to become what I want to be. I have been running again, just around the block, getting my fat ass moving. On top of that I've been doing sit ups. I swore I couldn't do a single one. I did 50 yesterday and I wasn't even sore afterwards. I just stopped because it was a bit late and I needed to sleep. I took them slowly though, did them in about a hour or so but still 50 is 50 more then I even thought I could do. Sometimes I clearly amaze myself. The problem is the difference between amazing myself and pushing myself. I need to get back into pushing myself. I need to wake up one morning with a sense of renewal or something Hallmarky like that.