Sailor moon revisted

Sometimes its nice to go back and redo pictures one has done before, lets you see the difference in your ability, see if you have grown or become stagnant. I'll let you decide, though it's pretty obvious.

Posted back in 2007:

Saliormoon Bellydancer by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Posted just a couple moments ago:

Sailormoon Once more by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I've worked on a couple other things. Have a drawing going for The Art Watcher, did one for Shyness and The Swede and the face one I have yet to finish. I should really get working on them, if nothing else, than to give me a break from the insanity that threatens.

Belated heart greetings

So late Happy Crappy Day tidings. I don't really celebrate this holiday. When you are younger it is so exciting, everyone hands out 1 dollar cards with a picture of some popular at the time character with both your and their names on it, maybe a piece of candy or a sticker, everyone gets one of these generic greetings, everyone feels special and loved and accepted. Then, as you get older, the holiday takes on new meaning, you are taught it's a day for people who care about one another, in a more tender way, to show their affections. It's around this time that one starts to begin to see the differences in the way they are treated vs their peers but it never bothered me. I knew I wasn't one to receive tons of flowers or chocolates, if any, I thought I never would be so I shrugged it off, nothing to worry about when I know the foreseeable future. Then I met SES, all of that changed, I had someone to expect such things from, and yet, I was still left wanting. He often either forgot or didn't bother, I can't say for sure which and so most holidays went without mention. He did remember a few times here or there, like the year he bought me the stand mixer, which I use, almost religiously, to this day. They were few and sporadic and I grew to dislike this particular holiday meant to make one feel loved, since it did nothing more than make me feel loved even less, in fact most holidays and my birthday became less exciting and more mundane, except Christmas, that holiday, though floundering a bit in the last couple years, has never lost its magic for me.

However I am now stuck dealing with two children stuck in the stage where it seems overly special. It's hard mustering up the necessary pep and drive so that I don't crush their joy with my own spiritlessness. I don't want to imbue them with the same jaded bitterness I seem to now possess over such a pointless holiday. So I helped with name writing and taping and putting stickers into little slots and felt my heart dip as they joyously made cards for their daddy which they never got to give him because he didn't come pick them up for their weekend.

I feel so tired, completely drained of all ability to function on a sound emotional level. I need a recharge but I don't think I'll be getting it anytime soon. This is, oddly enough, conducive to my emotastic writing style, so I shall share the results, as well as the drawing for a friends birthday.

Penguin Army by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Seedy by ~Katalalyn We lock ourselves away dirty, secretive, shameful the thread of evil that we deny with our actions yet proclaim with our mouths has wrapped around our souls feeding off our inability to break from each other binding the very essence of our beings, devouring each other in our explosive passion even as it twists our once good intentions creating a well that continually fills as it runs dry

One line makes a whole poem

by ~Katalalyn

when you aren't near
I fret I may miss you
making a fool of mine self
asking others to carry my words of love in your direction
you consume my waking being,
and my longing overwhelms me
stopping my lungs
crushing my voice even as it yearns to break the silence
Every moment feels as if it were a thousand years
my mind clawing through the weight of time to find thee
And yet I dread thee, your presence, a super sped gear turning the clock hands endlessly
the minutes blurred
and within a blink you are gone
lost again to living
and I, tortured by an indescribable heaviness
feeling alone in my despair of passion
sit and wait
procrastinating at regaining myself
willing your return

Addiction by ~Katalalyn So sweet and intoxicating pumping through my veins driving me to madness seizing my consciousness till there is nothing but the void which only you fill I crave the chains you bind me with Revel the way you make my body rush and swirl the dizziness that drains me of all sanity. How I long for the damage you bring me Exalting in the damnation of my soul Come lay beside me My drug of choice That conquers all others

Never Real Answers

by ~Katalalyn

tearing away at the scar tissue
constantly keep the wounds from healing
you who devoured my essence
and now proclaims a lingering bitter after taste
you left me in pieces
shattered
scattered
discarded
I have no need to care
knowing I'm lying to myself on the surface of things
It eats at me
carves away my being
And I find that I have no answers of why

Note for future reference

How is it that one can be so deliberately ridiculous? Don't get me wrong, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their blonde moments (no offence meant, though I'm sure some taken) but when every action you take is a serious offence to everyone involved you really need to stop and examine yourself. If someone is constantly having a complaint about your behavior or your lack of action, then maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself. Sometimes situations don't permit certain actions, that is understandable, however when even you can clearly see you are failing, why continue in that course?

I just don't understand him anymore. I'm so angry with him all the time, maybe its clouding my judgement but mostly all I can ask myself is: Was I really so blind to not see all this or did his personality and behavior really just take a pitfall? How can he not see that what he does so clearly affects the kidlets. Sure they are a handful, but they are our handfuls and therefore our responsibility. I shouldn't expect more from him than this and yet its hard to see the complete lack of effort and not hope for more. I don't care what he does in his free time, I'm not concerned about his treatment of me, so long as it doesn't begin to twist the kids, but it confounds me at his complete lack of will to even try.

I don't expect perfection, I'm far from perfect. I'm often failing. I'm only human, emotions aren't completely controllable, I have my limits but I'm still trying, even if poorly, even if I'm coming up short. I'm still stumbling blindly forward. Maybe he is doing the same, maybe I just cant see it, maybe I don't wish to see it because being angry is so much easier or maybe it's time I just admit everyone else can see this situation more clearly than I can right now and listen to their advice.

Lack of luster

I haven't felt like writing at all in the last week. Not that I haven't had something to say or that I haven't done anything, just that I really haven't felt like writing. Even now I'm feeling a bit eh and having trouble getting it all out but it seems ridiculous to not say anything at all.

I've been talking to The British Twins a decent amount. It's nice having someone who misses me enough to seek me out and talk to me. However I've been talking to The Swede and a few others on a vent channel, all from Scandinavia. They are an interesting bunch to talk things over with, though mostly I just listen to them talk to each other in Dutch or Swedish, which is also interesting.

The Swede showed me a picture of himself in which I really liked the shape of his mouth so I wanted to draw it. The problem being that for the last couple of months my tablet hasn't been working. When I upgraded to Windows 7 my Bluetooth stopped working. I have tried troubleshooting the issue a few times but though I can use a computer properly, I'm not the best at fixing them, so I had The Programer do some computer magic and fix my Bluetooth issue. He couldn't seem to get the tablet to work but I ended up doing that myself. So he got me halfway there and I managed the last leg. I then got to draw. I didn't think I had missed drawing with my tablet so much but I seriously couldn't put it down for almost three days straight.

Pain - Naruto by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

So yesterday was Superbowl Sunday. On Friday The Welcomer asked me if I wanted to come over for her Superbowl party. I seriously have never seen the Superbowl before, I just don't watch sports on TV, it's boring to me. If I'm sitting in the stands then the environment and excitement felt by the fans is infectious and I get into it but mostly I would rather play than watch. However, there was far more talking and enjoying of company than watching. I made truffles for The Welcomer as a hostess gift, as well as bringing deviled eggs and fresh baked bread with olive oil and balsalmic vinegar. I ate so much junk food though, more than I've eaten in a couple months. I felt so fat when I came home. It was fun though, we stayed till the end of Glee, which came on right after the Superbowl. Which was fun to watch with a group of people who also enjoy the show.

Truffles by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I should try to keep up with this even if I'm feeling less than literate because I'm sure there has been more to this week but I've just slowly forgotten.