Connectivity

So one day, randomly, I happened to be trying to make my craptastical computer function to click on the box to type. As it happened I accidentally hit the stats tab, I'm not usually one to care about such things. People will read if they want to read and they wont if they don't, it's pretty simple. I try not worry about it because I know some part of me, the part that isn't readily visible will creep up and soon I will start wondering how many per day or week or month. I am only human and so my narcissistic side, though maybe less then some, is still there,yet I see no need to feed it. However since I was already there, I figured I would at least look around, curiosity can be a real pain and deadly to cats. I found that my sister hadn't been reading, which didn't surprise me or hurt in any way, she and I are close enough that she doesn't really need the help of a blog to know how I'm doing, she just has to ask, I will readily tell her and I know she has a good deal on her plate without worrying about my problems. It was however amusing when I told her I knew she hadn't been reading:

CSI: i read it!

Me: I know you do

Me: I can tell

Me: it gives me a heads up on who reads from what countries

Me: so I had known you hadnt read it before

Me: since spain never popped up

CSI: oh that's kind of freaky

Me: hahahaha

Me: I found out my husband was cheating when he was in afghanistan

Me: you think I cant find out if my sister is or isnt reading my blog?

Now funny as that is, it also made me go back and look at the stats just to see who else had been reading. Looking at all the countries that popped up from around the world makes me feel connected and less alone then I had been feeling lately. Who do I know in Denmark? Just figured out who was in Japan. Spain is pretty obvious. Then there is the UK. Okay, even scattered we still keep in relatively contact. There is someone out there, someone I've never met who is thinking "I know exactly what she means" and someone else who is thinking "Why am I still reading this drivel?" Something about that is compelling, it makes me want to look through the screen and ask why one would bother? It forces me to examine myself, to see if I am the person I want to be, if I am letting other things get the better of me or if I am just using those things as an excuse. Is it strange that I feel I might disappoint someone, even if it's someone I don't know? The point of this blog has become muddled, I created it to dictate my journey to trying to get into the military but it doesn't even seem to be about anything close to that anymore. Have I lost my drive entirely or has life just gotten in the way? I'm not sure I even know the answer to that question. I want to be in the military, I can see myself happily waking up every morning to go to pt and then putting on a uniform I would be proud to wear, so why am I holding myself back from being the person willing to try to get there? I didn't want to work out last night, I did anyways and once I was done I felt good and when I woke I felt even better. I sleep better after exercising, I have more energy and I eat better and yet right now I just wish to curl into a ball and weep. I haven't really cried, not long, not hard, or maybe just not enough. Can one really even cry away ten years? I don't want to be the type of person who wallows in a life over instead of being the type that steps forth into a new beginning. I keep saying I need a vacation but from what? How does one really take a vacation from life and then want to step back into it. I know everyone feels this way at some point but can't I just catch a break? It feels like I'm always having to work ten times harder for anything in life. Most days I don't mind, it makes me a stronger person but some days, specially ones where I'm sitting alone on a weekday night, I can't help but wonder why I was dealt such a rotten hand. Not a genius, not pretty, not thin, not rich, nothing put together. Just one of those things would make it easier, having none of them seems to make it exceedingly hard. Let's hope when my time comes it comes in fast and hard and over-abundantly and hopefully not right when the world is coming to an end, though you know, that would just figure.