Destroyed in seconds

It's amazingly unfair how one person can make you feel utterly worthless. For years I tried everything to make him see me, to want to be there when we went places, to want to even go there in the first place. Years of always asking, always trying, always pushing. I can recount, on my hands, the amount of times we went out. Family outings were almost next to none, it was as if he really didn't care if he was around us or not, or maybe, he just didn't care if he was around me. It's hard to say, the effort he is now making with the kids seems minimal to me, fighting over me trying to GIVE him the right to see his children. He doesn't seem to CARE if he does, I shouldn't care that he goes out with other people, that he spends him time doing all the things I always asked of him to do with me. Yet it still hurts, wasn't I good enough? You slept with me, had kids with me, made a life with me, but spending actual time with me, that, by far, was too much? I never thought I would even think that the last ten years was a waste and yet he so clearly demonstrates how much he thought it was and though I know there is a large difference between taking the kids out for one weekend of fun and a lifetime of doing things together, I can so plainly see the disparaging gap between what we did together for so many years and what it is he does with his time now. I don't want to care how he spends it, and for the most part I don't dwell on it. It's hard to ignore when other people point it out though. It's unseemly to weep for something I know I will no longer have, for something I really no longer want, with the way I was so crudely tossed aside, but the fact of the matter is that it still bites, hard and deep, and rips at wounds that haven't entirely healed, just scabbed over.