Other half

It's nice having a friend who is more then a friend but isn't. Not friends with benefits or anything ridiculous like that. Just close enough that there isn't a second thought about coming to help or being there when you need them. Someone who so completely understands the way you think that anything can be said or passed between you. CSI, The British Man, The British Echo, The Mezikin, Marmar, Katsy, WWW, T. X., Ben, The Doctor, Kawaii, NC, Rachichan, Lexidude, Bren and Frando. To have so many people like that in my life, it never fails to amaze me, but I think, right now, The Shoulder is somewhere on a completely different level. It's as if I don't even have to say some things and he just gets it. It's difficult coming from a place where so few others know what that is like. He gets angry for me, specially when I can't on my own, makes me laugh with the ridiculous things he says that I wish I could be saying and or doing. He knows I would like to and understands why I won't. Where is my white knight like that?

I've done next to nothing but pack and clean and pack some more, I'm slowly just watching my house turn into a dump. It feels like the mess before the extreme clean. I'll be working on packing again tomorrow and the day after. Not much more going on besides that. Packing is boring and pretty tedious to recount.

Progression of back-stepping

Weather.com tells me its in the 70s but feels like the 80s, this house feels like its in the 90's. Just sitting here makes me sweat, the back of my neck is almost raw from all the sweat irritation. What the hell is with this weather. Actually no, not the weather, this apartment, it wont cool down no matter what I do. I dropped it a few degrees with a ghetto rigged fan, cold packs behind so it blows the cold air out into the room. The heat wouldn't be so bad if I could have done something fun today, like hit the pool, instead of the packing I've had to do. Once I got started I just wanted to keep going, which is probably a good thing since it needs to get done. It has been such slow going thanks to my back and the kids getting under foot. I haven't really worked out in about two weeks, so hard to do with my back aching and the heat and the packing and all the excuses I keep giving. I need a work out buddy, I think, someone slightly more motivated then I am, who can come to the door and be like "come on, lets go do this." Oh well, I'll get back into it, I am not giving up on this, just dealing with the more pressing matter. I have to have the stuff out of here by the 27th, so I can clean the 28th and the 29th, so the apartment manager can come in and do a walk through on the 30th, since technically my last day is the 31st. Oh the joys.

The urge

It's started. Five Boxes. Only five boxes. That's all I've done so far. I've only just gotten the DVDs done. Already I'm finding this difficult. I want very much to just leave all this stuff and walk away, let the apartment managers just toss it all out. I'm just tired of it all. So very tired. I want to crawl into a hole and cover my ears with my hands and ignore the whole situation. I feel emo and depressed. This should be motivating me to start anew. I was in tears by the end of it, pulling out all the DVDs that are his. Thinking about all the times we spent watching the movies I was now shoving into cardboard coffins. Yet, now that I've started I want to finish, just keep going and get it all done.

A year ago when I packed up all this stuff I was excited. I was going to a new place and doing something to help with the problems involved with all that was going on. This time I'm splitting up all the household items, I have no idea when I'll be opening these again. It feels like I'm finally saying goodbye, I'm putting my old life away. Next time I open these boxes I'll be starting in on my new life, I hope. Not that I'm not excited about starting out with my new life, I just didn't exactly want this to be the way I was finding myself again. I didn't expect such a huge all encompassing change to occur, I feel like the little kid on the carpet who just got his tower of bricks knocked over and has to start building yet again.

Even with all that, even though I was so distressed, when The Shoulder called I felt a lot better. He let me cry and he spent the time trying to get me to laugh, which I eventually did. I have no idea what I would do without him, what I'm going to do when he is no longer just a moments notice away. I owe him more then I could ever repay, he duct tapes my sanity back together. I love him to death.

Everyone has someone

That just drives them crazy. That one person who when you talk to them they clearly aren't listening to you and it ends up making you lose your cool and you end up yelling at them and getting a severe headache. I hate knowing someone can so get under my skin so much, specially when its someone I have to deal with all the time.

"I'm trying to say, that you guys just keep more stuff then I would, and if I go through these boxes I would probably throw out more then you would care for me to."

"I'm not a hoarder, but fine whatever, just don't touch them if you don't want to help"

"That's not what I'm saying, I'm saying I'm just a bit weary of doing it because I don't want you to get mad if I throw something away you wanted"

"I already told you what to and what not to save"

"You really aren't listening to me."

"Just use common sense, come on."

"That's just it though, I mean I would toss out more then you would and that to me would be common sense"

"You just want to throw out everything"

"OH JESUS CHRIST, JUST SHUT UP"

Not one of my better moments to be sure.

You don't always get what you want

Today I've made cookies and I am getting ready to go to my physical therapy appointment. I am a bit disappointed in that though, as my normal physical therapist is out sick today and Ill be seeing someone else today. Yesterday was much better...

Sometimes you just need something, something to help you get through your day and onto the rest of your week, today was that day for me. I've been feeling seriously despairing, my motivation has been completely trashed for the last couple of days. Last night The Shoulder had called at 02:30 and we spoke till almost 04:00. Today I woke up late and feeling ridiculously unable to get myself to care, I mean the conversation was fun and I enjoyed it, but I really have been feeling down.

Midway through the day The Shoulder called me and asked if we wanted to come over, I asked him if he was going to make me dinner. It was just a straight sure, and then he told me he was going to his parents and would call me when he got home. So a couple hours go by and my sister skypes me and we talk for a bit, then The Shoulder called and said he was home. We drove over and he played some videogames with the kids for a bit while I studied. Then he and I played a round of Halo: OTSD, I haven't really played 3rd person games in awhile, I was sure I was going to do poorly but I did better then I thought I would. We then played Tetris, no one ever plays Tetris with me anymore, after you win every round, people just stop wanting to try. Heh. After that we walked to the store to get some ingredients for dinner, we got back and he made spaghetti, he kept trying to shoo me away from helping since I didn't let him help when I made him dinner a couple weeks ago. We ate and sat on the couch just chatting about things. It was late and the kids needed to go to bed, so I asked the kids to help clean up the mess they had made before we left. Bubbaloo decided he wasn't going to listen and was instead going to annoy The Shoulder with a toy that played a song, The Shoulder warned him to stop but Bubbaloo decided it was far more fun to continue what he was doing. So finally The Shoulder got up and chased Bubbaloo down the hall and tickled him till he was begging to be let down. He cried out "Mommy help" and I just couldn't give up the chance to poke at The Shoulder's side, specially since he is overly ticklish. For the next hour we ran around tickling each other. I haven't done that in a long time. We went home and watched some Daria, Brewski came over so he could watch Baby Grr for me the next day while I had my physical therapy appointment. I fell asleep easily.

I woke up feeling wonderful. It was exactly what I needed.

Everyday worries

So, as promised, here is the picture of the taquito. I didn't remember till I was almost done eating, so you can see the sour cream spread all over the plate looking mildly disturbing, but there you go. Chicken wrapped in a tortilla thats then fried and covered in loverliness.

I studied last night, till into the morning and woke late instead of early. Everything feels so daunting right now, I'm trying to get my sleeping schedule right, my life together, getting into the military, getting my back back into shape, get the kids into the new school district, move, the divorce, study, remain sane. Chicken Little didn't have a problem with the sky falling, he had a problem with the mental stress brought on by too many problems all crashing down around him at the same time.

I painted today and last night technically, though that one isn't done yet, I just put in some base color blocking, so I wont bother putting that up till its done.

Rocky Shore by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Abyss by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Just 5 more paintings to finish and then I'm totally done, I can get about 2 done a day. So I'm not worried about it, I'll have them all finished within the next week, except maybe the one. At least I have the physical therapists covered, I don't move out of here for another couple of weeks, so I don't need the ones for the apartment managers done just yet, next week should be fine.

Time to go be an adult, make dinner and clean and study and work out, man I really need to do that today. I'm so damn lazy.

One step forward two steps to the side

I woke up with a very achy back. Soon I'm going to find I'm not really getting better just getting along. Granted I am much better then I was just a couple weeks ago, maybe I'm just impatient. I haven't studied in almost a week, I have and haven't had time, I haven't really done much around the house, which is probably a good thing, it means I'm doing more stuff out, getting to see people I haven't seen in awhile. My sister leaving pushed lots of things back but now she is gone, so that's no longer an excuse to not be diligent.

The Physicist came over yesterday, that was fun, I have, yet again, forgotten to take a picture of the taquitos, though I could tonight as I had left overs, they wont look exactly as pretty as they did before but oh well, it will just have to do. We had a nice time, ate dinner and watched Cars. Not exactly the movie I was thinking we would be watching, being as we are both adults but he had never seen it and the kids were still awake. It's amazing how different your evenings go when you have kids. We talked but mostly the kids just kept asking him to watch them do things and tried showing off. He offered to help me study math, which I just might take him up on, even though he teaches physics and I'm just trying to pass algebra, geometry and some basic fractions and decimals, almost makes it feel embarrassing. I was never bad with math, so I know a good refresher is all that's needed but still, makes me feel sort of stupid. Still, nice knowing I have someone I can ask if I don't understand something.

I woke this morning at 8, getting into a habit of waking up early is going to be so very difficult. I am such a night person, breaking that is going to be killer. I'm not even sure I can actually do it. I am trying to make my way to waking at 4 am, that just seems impossible. It's not like I can just not put the kids to bed. To get enough sleep and to wake at 4 am the kids would have to go to bed and fall asleep no later then 21:00 so I can go to bed no later then 22:00, and that's only 6 hours of sleep a night, not that I believe I need anymore then that, but who knows. I haven't had normal sleeping patterns for years, I'm not entirely sure how much I need. Sometimes I feel much better after just a two hour nap and sometimes I want to sleep the whole day.

I got to paint, I did two for now and I'll do two more either later tonight or tomorrow. I need to have 3 paintings done no later then Monday. I want to give them as thank you gifts for the help the physical therapist have given me. I do believe it is my last session, I'm really more or less there to work out, sometimes my back hurts but it's usually when I wake up and therefore it's more a nighttime soreness. I'll give the receptionists some cookies and maybe a mug for milk.

Crash by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Mountain River by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I will go to the store and pick up some stuff and then come home, clean a bit and study, tonight I will work out and try to get to bed at some sort of decent time and maybe tomorrow I can wake up early and finally get into the schedule I have been hoping for. We shall see I suppose. On a very different side note, the Blue Angels have been flying overhead since two days ago, they make the whole house rumble, you can feel it in your bones as they blast by. I will miss Seafair but oh well, I already missed Folk Life, and Halloween... just seems like the funtimes keep passing me by this year. I hope next year is better.

Early morning waste

So I am mildly proud of myself today. I woke early. Granted it was 45 minutes later then I had hoped to wake but 6:15 isn't bad at all. I am hoping to start getting up early and doing things in the morning and heading to bed pretty early as well, see if I cant get my sleeping schedule fixed, or at least fixed on what would be more appropriate for what I wish to accomplish. So hopefully I will be able to go to bed at a decent time tonight and wake tomorrow at a decent time, lets see if I can keep this going.

So here is the rub. I woke early so I could paint or work out, both things which I have to do in my bedroom, as thats where the most space is, and the kids are in there dead asleep. I would go clean but my back is extremely sore this morning, sleeping on the floor wasn't such a good idea it seems, not that my bed has made it feel any better. At some point I'll find somewhere to sleep that keeps it from hurting when I wake.

The Looming

Busy busy and so very tired. I haven't been sleeping almost at all lately. 2 or 3 hours here, 4 hours there, barely enough to keep myself running. Last time I posted was Friday, man I'm already getting bad about this, not that I think I need to post everyday, most days I barely do anything, but Ive been very busy since then and that's the actual reason why I've been MIA.

Friday -

So my grandmother calls me and reminds me of the party for my sister on Sunday and asks if I will make the dessert for it. Sure, no problem.

Saturday -

I have never has so much trouble with a cake my entire life. I'm was fighting what felt like a losing battle to the baked goods. I had to restart the base cake three times. First time all the flour settled for some reason instead of mixing in... weird. Big clumps of flour at the bottom of the cake, gross. The second time the cake came out almost runny, I left it in for almost 20 minutes extra and it solidified into a sheet brick. The last time it turned out, a bit overly moist but okay. Ive made this particular cake recipe more then a few times... what the deuce. So then I made the berry mousse. I cut back on the gelatin put in, since there was also pectin from the berries, I wanted it to be more creamy then solid, and yet... it still became exceedingly stiff. At this point I'm smashing my head against the table. I rolled them up, since I was making it like a jelly roll just with mousse inside instead of jelly, and took them anyways. Orange chiffon cake with a berry mousse center. I slept maybe two hours, since I kept having to remake the stupid cake part.

Sunday -

I go to my grandmothers house for my sisters goodbye party. I would like to put in that everyone liked the cake, even though I was very unhappy with its turn out, letting it sit out of the fridge helped the mousse soften a bit and the cake came together nicely. It did have good flavor, I was just so frustrated with it that I didn't much care at that point. I took my ASVAB book and just sat around studying. I don't really speak with my family much. It's been that way for years. Plus, most questions were about my sister anyways. Which means they should have been directed to her. The day was pleasant enough, though we left second to last. My sister was trying to spend time with her favorite aunt and I was her ride, I didn't mind. So we are driving back so I can drop her off at her boyfriend's house and I get a text. Its The Shoulder and he is having a crappy day. I know how that goes. My sister says she would like to stop off at my house first to say a goodbye to the kids, okay. So we get there, my mom opens the door, as I had a physical therapy appointment the next day and she was going to watch the kids for me, so she was spending the night. We drop the kids off, they go to bed, and I take my sad sister over to her boyfriends. I finally get to look at my message from The Shoulder and I make my way to his place. Sometimes you just need a hug. So I knock on the door and I give him a big hug and ask if he would like to talk at all, we chatted for a bit and then I went home. Brewski and mom were there and I came in and both of them made fun of me and kept making "Oooh, you were with The Shoulder" comments. We then started watching League of Extraodinary Crapness, I fell asleep partway through. It was 3 am.

Monday -

The morning seemed a bit shammed, I mean, I don't even remember doing much. My appointment rolls around and I head off to it, we did mostly leg work, my legs were killing me by the end of it. I got home and The British Man, The British Echo and CSI stopped by for a bit. 15 minutes later they were out the door and I was fielding phone calls. As if everyone in the universe was conspiring to make me late to my friends birthday party by calling me all at once. Random bursts of popularity always abound at the most inconvenient times. I finally get dressed and out the door and make my way to The Shoulder's place, pick them up and we head off to the party. Its fun seeing people you haven't seen in a long time. I miss a great deal of them, I will severely wonder what I've gotten myself into when I cant even see them anymore. The party was fun, even though I spent most of it running around after kidlets, though I'm used to that. It's weird sitting in a party and everyone assuming you are with someone else. I've never had that happen before. The Shoulder and I are comfortable with each other but not dating. We get along and just naturally help each other out. "here, hold my glass" "here is your drink" sort of thing, we are just used to it. I suppose from the outside it could have looked as if we could have been. Everyone asked though, in the end, to make sure if we were or weren't. I didn't think that would happen, I mean we spent most of the party not even talking to one another. I helped with Dougalug but only because he also helped keep my kids fielded, give and take sort of thing. We left kind of early, as he had to wake up early in the morning and the kidlets were already getting antsy. I managed to grab a few phone number two off and went home. I sent a couple text so they would have my number as well and The Physicist called, we planned a get together to watch a movie, so maybe on Thursday I will see him. Depends on transportation.

Tuesday -

I cleaned for a bit but lost my will after some time. I think waited around for when it was time to go. We met up the The British Man, CSI, The British Echo and The Mezikan at Southcenter Mall. We walked around for a bit and helped CSI pick clothes to buy with her gift card. We ate dinner and say goodbyes. I didn't think the last time I would see my sister would be a simple goodbye at a Mall but such is the case. I will miss her like crazy, she is so much more then just my sister. She is one of my best friends. It's going to be hard not seeing her at all for so long. Two years or more. ;-;

Done nothing so far today, god I'm feeling lazy, so very lazy. None of these things are helping me get closer to my goal. Mostly they are just distractions, I worked out on Monday and I'm going to tonight but I didn't on Tuesday or any time this last weekend. Whats gotten into me. I really want to do this but I keep shamming out of it. I have been studying though, pretty diligently, which is a plus. I think with CSI gone and no one to really be around that Ill be able to just fall into a pattern of just constantly studying, working out and packing. It's getting closer and closer to the deadline I set for myself and I still feel so far behind. Maybe I'm more worried about the changes taking place then I originally thought I was. I have no clue. I want to move forward, so why am I holding myself back so much?

I should do something today, even if its just a tiny little bit of cleaning. Try to get myself back into it. Plus, I don't want it a dump if The Physicist comes tomorrow.