Sailor moon revisted

Sometimes its nice to go back and redo pictures one has done before, lets you see the difference in your ability, see if you have grown or become stagnant. I'll let you decide, though it's pretty obvious.

Posted back in 2007:

Saliormoon Bellydancer by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Posted just a couple moments ago:

Sailormoon Once more by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I've worked on a couple other things. Have a drawing going for The Art Watcher, did one for Shyness and The Swede and the face one I have yet to finish. I should really get working on them, if nothing else, than to give me a break from the insanity that threatens.

Belated heart greetings

So late Happy Crappy Day tidings. I don't really celebrate this holiday. When you are younger it is so exciting, everyone hands out 1 dollar cards with a picture of some popular at the time character with both your and their names on it, maybe a piece of candy or a sticker, everyone gets one of these generic greetings, everyone feels special and loved and accepted. Then, as you get older, the holiday takes on new meaning, you are taught it's a day for people who care about one another, in a more tender way, to show their affections. It's around this time that one starts to begin to see the differences in the way they are treated vs their peers but it never bothered me. I knew I wasn't one to receive tons of flowers or chocolates, if any, I thought I never would be so I shrugged it off, nothing to worry about when I know the foreseeable future. Then I met SES, all of that changed, I had someone to expect such things from, and yet, I was still left wanting. He often either forgot or didn't bother, I can't say for sure which and so most holidays went without mention. He did remember a few times here or there, like the year he bought me the stand mixer, which I use, almost religiously, to this day. They were few and sporadic and I grew to dislike this particular holiday meant to make one feel loved, since it did nothing more than make me feel loved even less, in fact most holidays and my birthday became less exciting and more mundane, except Christmas, that holiday, though floundering a bit in the last couple years, has never lost its magic for me.

However I am now stuck dealing with two children stuck in the stage where it seems overly special. It's hard mustering up the necessary pep and drive so that I don't crush their joy with my own spiritlessness. I don't want to imbue them with the same jaded bitterness I seem to now possess over such a pointless holiday. So I helped with name writing and taping and putting stickers into little slots and felt my heart dip as they joyously made cards for their daddy which they never got to give him because he didn't come pick them up for their weekend.

I feel so tired, completely drained of all ability to function on a sound emotional level. I need a recharge but I don't think I'll be getting it anytime soon. This is, oddly enough, conducive to my emotastic writing style, so I shall share the results, as well as the drawing for a friends birthday.

Penguin Army by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Seedy by ~Katalalyn We lock ourselves away dirty, secretive, shameful the thread of evil that we deny with our actions yet proclaim with our mouths has wrapped around our souls feeding off our inability to break from each other binding the very essence of our beings, devouring each other in our explosive passion even as it twists our once good intentions creating a well that continually fills as it runs dry

One line makes a whole poem

by ~Katalalyn

when you aren't near
I fret I may miss you
making a fool of mine self
asking others to carry my words of love in your direction
you consume my waking being,
and my longing overwhelms me
stopping my lungs
crushing my voice even as it yearns to break the silence
Every moment feels as if it were a thousand years
my mind clawing through the weight of time to find thee
And yet I dread thee, your presence, a super sped gear turning the clock hands endlessly
the minutes blurred
and within a blink you are gone
lost again to living
and I, tortured by an indescribable heaviness
feeling alone in my despair of passion
sit and wait
procrastinating at regaining myself
willing your return

Addiction by ~Katalalyn So sweet and intoxicating pumping through my veins driving me to madness seizing my consciousness till there is nothing but the void which only you fill I crave the chains you bind me with Revel the way you make my body rush and swirl the dizziness that drains me of all sanity. How I long for the damage you bring me Exalting in the damnation of my soul Come lay beside me My drug of choice That conquers all others

Never Real Answers

by ~Katalalyn

tearing away at the scar tissue
constantly keep the wounds from healing
you who devoured my essence
and now proclaims a lingering bitter after taste
you left me in pieces
shattered
scattered
discarded
I have no need to care
knowing I'm lying to myself on the surface of things
It eats at me
carves away my being
And I find that I have no answers of why

Note for future reference

How is it that one can be so deliberately ridiculous? Don't get me wrong, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their blonde moments (no offence meant, though I'm sure some taken) but when every action you take is a serious offence to everyone involved you really need to stop and examine yourself. If someone is constantly having a complaint about your behavior or your lack of action, then maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself. Sometimes situations don't permit certain actions, that is understandable, however when even you can clearly see you are failing, why continue in that course?

I just don't understand him anymore. I'm so angry with him all the time, maybe its clouding my judgement but mostly all I can ask myself is: Was I really so blind to not see all this or did his personality and behavior really just take a pitfall? How can he not see that what he does so clearly affects the kidlets. Sure they are a handful, but they are our handfuls and therefore our responsibility. I shouldn't expect more from him than this and yet its hard to see the complete lack of effort and not hope for more. I don't care what he does in his free time, I'm not concerned about his treatment of me, so long as it doesn't begin to twist the kids, but it confounds me at his complete lack of will to even try.

I don't expect perfection, I'm far from perfect. I'm often failing. I'm only human, emotions aren't completely controllable, I have my limits but I'm still trying, even if poorly, even if I'm coming up short. I'm still stumbling blindly forward. Maybe he is doing the same, maybe I just cant see it, maybe I don't wish to see it because being angry is so much easier or maybe it's time I just admit everyone else can see this situation more clearly than I can right now and listen to their advice.

Lack of luster

I haven't felt like writing at all in the last week. Not that I haven't had something to say or that I haven't done anything, just that I really haven't felt like writing. Even now I'm feeling a bit eh and having trouble getting it all out but it seems ridiculous to not say anything at all.

I've been talking to The British Twins a decent amount. It's nice having someone who misses me enough to seek me out and talk to me. However I've been talking to The Swede and a few others on a vent channel, all from Scandinavia. They are an interesting bunch to talk things over with, though mostly I just listen to them talk to each other in Dutch or Swedish, which is also interesting.

The Swede showed me a picture of himself in which I really liked the shape of his mouth so I wanted to draw it. The problem being that for the last couple of months my tablet hasn't been working. When I upgraded to Windows 7 my Bluetooth stopped working. I have tried troubleshooting the issue a few times but though I can use a computer properly, I'm not the best at fixing them, so I had The Programer do some computer magic and fix my Bluetooth issue. He couldn't seem to get the tablet to work but I ended up doing that myself. So he got me halfway there and I managed the last leg. I then got to draw. I didn't think I had missed drawing with my tablet so much but I seriously couldn't put it down for almost three days straight.

Pain - Naruto by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

So yesterday was Superbowl Sunday. On Friday The Welcomer asked me if I wanted to come over for her Superbowl party. I seriously have never seen the Superbowl before, I just don't watch sports on TV, it's boring to me. If I'm sitting in the stands then the environment and excitement felt by the fans is infectious and I get into it but mostly I would rather play than watch. However, there was far more talking and enjoying of company than watching. I made truffles for The Welcomer as a hostess gift, as well as bringing deviled eggs and fresh baked bread with olive oil and balsalmic vinegar. I ate so much junk food though, more than I've eaten in a couple months. I felt so fat when I came home. It was fun though, we stayed till the end of Glee, which came on right after the Superbowl. Which was fun to watch with a group of people who also enjoy the show.

Truffles by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

I should try to keep up with this even if I'm feeling less than literate because I'm sure there has been more to this week but I've just slowly forgotten.

Crack and the video game faerie

So the last couple of days have been interesting, to say the least.

Last week or so I wanted a danish pastry. I had been craving something sweet but couldn't figure out what it was I wanted. Sometime that day I spoke with with either The Swede or the Dutchman about donuts and danish were mentioned. It was like the light bulb clicking on, that was exactly what I had had in mind. So I searched for a recipe and the next day I went to work, trying to make danish. That first batch was a complete failure. Nothing about the dough turned out right, though the cream was tasty. I hadn't the drive to try again until earlier this week went I made the dough but I ran out of time during the day to make the actual pastries so the next day I laminated the dough and today I baked them, they turned out amazingly. I tend to get overly happy when I bake, I sing and dance or just make up weird diddies, like earlier I was singing "you will be a tastey treat, gooey flaky and warm BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO GO INTO THE OVEN AND BAKE UNTIL YOU ARE BROWN" and the last part I did in this demonic sounding voice and then I burst into laughter. I really love baking, I wish I could find a job as a baker. If I'm left to my devices the jovial feeling I get lasts for a long time, it's been hours since I finished and I'm still giddy. Baking is my crack, apparently.

Orange Danish by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Also, I got a visit from The Video Game Faerie. Brewski got his paycheck and needed to go to the bank, so I went along because I wanted out of the house and was bored. We headed over and picked up his paycheck but he needed to cash it so we headed to the bank and since the bank is next to Gamestop, he wanted to go in and see if there was anything cheap he might want to get. He told me, since I've been feeling really down lately, that he would get me one of the cheaper preowned games, so I went in search of Rainbow Six Vegas 2. I used to own the Rainbow Six Vegas awhile ago but SES took it with him when he deployed and it was lost to me. Brewski bought it for me for Christmas, after much searching, but we've already played through it and I wanted the second one if I could. It's so hard to find though and this I lamented, out loud. A woman, who I incidentally almost ran into, mentioned that she had more then one copy of the game and would be willing to give it to me if I wanted. I was completely floored, she wasn't asking for anything in return, didn't even ask for the same amount my brother would have been willing to pay for it from the store, would just give it to me. She handed me her phone number and told me to call in a hour, just enough time to get home and check her games. Brewski said he would still buy me a game, since he doubted it would actually happen and we found Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare for 10 bucks. Bruce offered to buy it for me and as we stood in line I was gleefully commenting on all the fun I was going to have that night. At one point I said "I can't wait to go home and shoot people in the head." The cashier looked at me and gave me that "I know what you mean" grin. I laughed and said "I think this is the only store where saying I'm going to go home and shoot people in the head not only wont get the police called on you but is also somehow a bonding moment." Everyone stopped and looked at me and the cashier and Brewski both looked at me funny and then said "I've never though of it that way." "Me either". Brewski and I decided to walk around the mall for a bit, since it hadn't been a hour yet. No point going home only to drive back over that way. A hour later I gave her a call and she didnt answer, so I left what felt like a very embarrassing message "uh, yeah, Im the girl you said you would give the game to, uh, if you are still willing to, which I would really appreciate it, just give me a call" I mean, really embarrassing, it felt I was begging, I mean hell, I really wanted the game and I was racking my brain for a way to repay her if she came through but it still made me feel a bit ridiculous. About 15 minutes later she calls back and we agree we will meet me at the local Albertsons in 15 minutes. On the way there I wrote down my information on a piece of paper. When she finally got there I handed it over. I have no money, I was just trying to get out of the house, but I can bake, as shown above, and I offered baked goods, a birthday cake, cookies, something. She pocketed it and then turned to her car and grabbed not one but a stack of green cases. She not only, very generously, gave me Rainbow Six Vegas 2 but five games in total. I was floored, I still am.

I'm still up on my baking high, I should probably try to take advantage of that while I can and do something physical, like work out or play my kinect. Other then that, homemade Mac and Cheese for dinner.... mmmmmm... Mac and Cheese...

See...crack.

The starting of things

So I began a food journal. I was watching a T.V show called Superskinny vs Supersized. The premise of it is that two people switch diets to see how their diets can make them feel.

I started the journal because there is a part where they show the food consumption of the participants in tube. I don't know why this above anything else has inspired me to keep a food journal but it has. I used to watch another show where they did something like this as well, it was a woman who tried to help people with their nutrition.

But that show never made me want to try and work out what and how much I had been eating, mostly just made me a bit sick to my stomach. So here I am, trying to see it all int he course of my days what it is I'm doing right or wrong, as the case may be. This is what it looks like so far:

Monday 1/17/2011

Breakfast *

½ c cottage cheese

1 peach half

¼ cup syrup

Lunch **

1 slice of apple walnut bread

2 slices of bread

1 ts mayo

¼ ts mustard

1 slice of turkey

10 pieces of spinach

1 slice of havarti cheese

1 6 oz cup of strawberry yogart

Dinner ***

5 corn tortillas

2 flour tortillas

3 cups of chicken, onions, peppers

½ c sour cream

Snacks ****

½ almond snickers bar

12 spicy hot cheetos

½ c dried pears

1 fruit leather

1 sweet and salty granola bar

Drinks

1 12 oz cup of apple juice **

Tuesday 1/18/2011

Breakfast *

1 english muffin

½ ts unsalted butter

Lunch **

2 chimichangas

½ slice apple bread

Dinner ***

½ c multigrain cheerios

½ c 2% milk

2 slices of buttermilk bread

1 slice turkey

1 slice muenster cheese

6 pieces of spinach

1 6 oz blueberry yogart

½ c dried pears

Snacks ****

2 cheetos

4 oatmeal craisin white chocolate pecan cookie

¼ dry multigrain cheerios

1 baby bell cheese round

Drinks

8 oz mixed soda ***

Wednesday 1/19/2011

Breakfast *

1 ½ c multigrain cheerios

½ c 2% milk

Lunch **

Dinner ***

3 flour tortillas

70 g shredded chicken breast

½ c shredded spinach

½ c shredded cheese

¼ c chopped tomatoes

2 tbs sour cream

¼ c rice

Snacks ****

1 slice apple walnut bread

1 baby bell cheese round

1 oatmeal craisin white chocolate pecan cookie

Drinks

2 12oz c apple juice ***

I snacked more than I thought I did and though most of them were healthier snacks, it's never good to snack to excess. I did relatively well on the first and third day but my second I really failed at it. I also haven't been working out, I don't need a break from that I just couldn't seem to get up the motivation to do it. I've been in a big drawing and painting mood instead. I need to work through finding a good balance between that and my want to work out. I do enjoy working out, I just get lazy.

The drawings I've been working on:

Steampunk Girl by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Dexter by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

Jump by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

The painting I finished and gave to my mom to give to her friend for her birthday:

Swirl by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

makes me think of an abstract boob.

The paintings I started but haven't finished yet, I do that sometimes, start and then stop because I've lost my inspiration and then I go back to them when I get it back, which is where the abstract boob also came from:

So let us hope I get over my laziness and work out some tonight. I dunno, I'm extremely tired it seems.

The boredom that envelopes

I've been terribly bored the last two days. Not the drastically not wanting to sleep boredom that had me in its grips the other day but a more mundane and pervasive boredom, the kind that comes from when you've been doing lots of stuff all at once and then everything slacks off and you are trying to get back into normality, that sort of boredom. It's one of those times where you start doing things just to try and kill time. I was drawing, did a few I liked, my drawing has gotten better but nothing as good as if could be if I just practiced a bit more. I've been thinking of painting and I've done some baking and all those things are grand and dandy but I think boredom is hitting harder these days because I really would rather be working and not sitting around the house all day.