I promise

to think about doing a real post tomorrow. I haven't much felt like writing but I have been drawing. There isn't much I do these days but I've been extra stressed and I hate writing when I'm like that because I end up just whining and complaining, no one needs to hear that. However, I will leave you with something funny until I do write:



The Programmer wrote:



Me: holy crap
Me: I was just about to write you too
The Programmer: because its friday night?
Me: the other day I wrote Storm Chaser this:

See more funny videos and TBT at Todays Big Thing.

^-- this is you, lawl
Me: yesterday was thursday, tomorrow is saturday
Me: so yeah, because its friday, friday
The Programmer: you gettin down on friday?
Me: The party isnt here on the south side
The Programmer: you should travel westward
Me: yeah but south central is supposed to do it like nobody does
The Programmer: sure, if you're a wanna be mack, but what about if you're an old school player
Me: if you were from where I'm from... then you would know
The Programmer: lol
The Programmer: well that tears it
The Programmer: I'm gonna invite all my neighbors. They've got much flavor
Me: yeah you know, but it's not like it matters if they do unless you flip the track and bring the old school back

Under some curse

I really haven't been paying attention to my computer lately. I still have nothing to do but mostly I'm in one of those moments where everything seems a bit less fun then usual and when I'm like that, even normal things don't garner my attention. Case in point, hadn't checked my email in a couple days. Don't talk to most of my friends unless they have a phone which can text me and this blog sits dormant. (remember when I was all gung-ho on this thing, yeah, probably not going to be like that ever again)

However, there has been some developments in my life worthy of noting:

I did go see that recruiter, this whole blog was started because I wanted something I knew was going to be hard to attain, he pretty much told me it was impossible, unless I give up my kids. Since thats never going to happen, I suppose joining will never happen either. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet...

However, since I can't see myself joining anytime soon I need to make other plans. My grandmother called the other day and asked about how much it would take to go to the local community college here for this baking and pastry course. I have no idea but I made an appointment to find out. I go on Thursday. I'm terribly excited.

I wrote some terribly emo poetry recently and did a drawing for a friend for his birthday. I shall post the picture of it later once he has gotten it, no need ruining a surprise. I shall be posting it tomorrow, I hope it gets there okay, it has a long way to travel.

Cards

by ~Katalalyn

You dealt them out
as I looked on dismay
I am not one for games
You asked my hand
and I laid them before you
And now I am out
watching from the side
my cards shuffled into your deck
used to swindle the next in line.

Questions

by ~Katalalyn

The butterflies flutter
The soft tickle a side effect of their intricate internal dance
The mere thought of you giving them leave to take flight
When did it become so that my day is filled with only you?
Where is my ability to see more than just from when we say goodbye
till when we can be together again?
So when did it become that it is I, not you, who sits in anguish
wishing and willing your return?
Was it just for the conquest that you did all this?
Has the luster gone so soon?
It was you who sought me out
You who professed an unyielding and undying love
You who chipped away at my resolve to flee
Yet it is you in the fortress and I banging on the gate to be let in
Why do this if not to mean it?
Why bother if only for the high of being able to say you have power over I
I no longer see the claims of want or need
How is that possible when you turn from me at any chance
That I need you more than you shall ever need me
still burns away at the edges of my being
Why would you say such things?
Did you not know their true meaning?
Did you not understand what you dove into?
Could you not see the power they hold
or is it that you knew all too well
and it is I who foolishly turned a blind eye to the truth

The British Echo is in for the next couple of weeks. So The British Twins will be over for tea and funtimes sometime next week. I'm excited to have my twins back, even if just for a short time.

On the last note, I seriously hate toys and socks. That may seem like strange objects to hate but hear me out. Most of the time, since I have no job and no money and go nowhere, I spend my days in my pajamas, without socks on since I hate them, but the other day I was wearing normal clothes and socks, of all things. It was sunny out and I took the kids to the ridiculously made playground down the street. This thing, I'm sure Ive mentioned it before, was seriously not built for children, its like an adults playground but with less entertaining things for an adult to do on it, however since it's the only playground around I figured I might as well. To go to a playground, though, you need real clothes on and real shoes, blasphemy really, and so I got all decked out. The time there was perfect, they played, there was lots of laughter, and then we came home. Once we did I asked them to pick up their toys from downstairs and take them to their room. While they were gathering their toys I went upstairs to the bathroom, and when I was done I went to walk downstairs to check how they were doing. On the 4th stair down was a MIA toy and lucky for my I stepped right on it. Normally this would just annoy me as it would hurt my foot but since we don't wear shoes in the house I was just delighted to find my sock slipped on it. I'm pretty quick with my reflexes and I leaned back, trying to sit down, stead of fall face forward straight into the floor, but since I was wearing jeans, which are longer than most of my pajama pants I ended up going into a knee slide. When I was a kid, I used to slide down the stairs for fun, on my knees sometimes, what in world was I thinking? Riding down the stairs on my shins is not in fact a good time. Things only went from bad to worse from there because eventually my pants remembered they were made of jean and decided to catch on the carpet and I was jolted forward. I didn't want to smash my face into the floor so much less like a ninja and more like a person in desperate want to keep their one pretty feature I turned which inevitably smashed all of my left side into the stairs below. I hit my head on the wall and finally managed to push on the walls, which jammed both a finger and toe and stop myself slightly, at which point I got into a sitting position once more and slid down the last two or three stairs to the floor below. My whole left side has continued to hurt the last couple of days, with a headache that wont quit and it doesn't help that I have a head cold as well. I can't believe the situations I manage to get myself into, not drunk and I fall down stairs. I'm so used to it now that I'm very nonchalant about it. I told my parents on the phone and it was all "so, I fell down the stairs, nothing in the house is broken, and nothing else to report." and there was this "What? You fell down the stairs! Is anything on you broken?" "Nah, I'm fine."

Other than that, not much has happened.

The revolving door

That's what life is like. Like sitting on a couch in a room with a revolving door. Constantly turning though most people just walk on through it back to the outside. Every so often someone comes in and hangs out but eventually they usually also fall back in line and walk back out the door. It's not so bad, people are meant to come into and fall out of our lives as specific times. Moments in time that define us or change us and then that person leaves. It's when we truly care about that person that we tend to jam the door. No one else needs walk through. So what then when they choose to walk out of it?

You said you loved me and I knew you didn't really know what that meant and I ignored it. I wanted to ignore it because I loved you because I wanted you to know and feel it the same way I do. How could you though. So simple to say you love someone yet the reality of loving them is so much harder. I want you to be happy, I want to be happy, I just wanted us to be happy together yet how easily you let go. No fighting left in you for me. No more real want or desire. I get it but it still hurts.

I'm tired of that. I'm tired of the aching and pain and worry. I should just jam the damn door from now on.

Funtimes to be had

Friday I stayed up all night, well technically not all night, I went and took a nap at 2 and woke at 4 and went back to cleaning and dealing with the cake for the party later on that Saturday. Bubbaloo wanted a Castle Crashers party. Brewski and I made the invites:

Castle Crasher Invites by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

and the decorations were all red, blue, orange and green. I made shields out of the side of cereal boxes and paper mache and bought sword looking bubble containers for each of the kids. They got to paint their shields however they wished, even The Programer and Brewski got into that. We broke a pinata shaped like one of the weapons in the game, the kings mace, and had dinner which consisted of BBQ chicken, french fries and green beans. The cake turned out well, it was a chocolate cake with a chocolate ganache filling and butter cream frosting:

Castle Crasher Ninja Cake by ~Katalalyn on deviantART

The kids had fun, the party was a blast and Bubbaloo made out like a bandit. The kids went home and I, having only slept for 2 hours the night before crashed on the couch. When I woke this morning it felt like what I can only assume is what a hangover feels like, since I've never actually had one, though I'm not sure why I woke like that, except that I've been really sick the last week and I hadn't slept the night before. My head felt like it was going to rip in two and when I drank some apple juice I felt like hurling. I found it very weird because the night before I drank a good portion of water, three or four 64 oz water bottles full. Never having had a hangover I'm just assuming, however, I have to say that I can't see why people would drink if they feel like that afterwards.

And apparently its spring break this week, not sure how I missed that.

The things we miss

This last weekend I had The British Man over for tea. It was a blast, we watched T.V., killed zombies, shot terrorists in the face. It was a nice break from the norm of not having anyone to hang out with but it made me a bit sad too, specially when it was over and I had to take him home. I used to spend a lot of my time with people. My house was always open to visitors. People were constantly walking in and out of my door and there was laughter and funtimes. The British Man, The British Echo, The Programer, The Mezikan are all missed dearly but I find I miss CSI the most, my own personal Scarecrow it seems. I try not dwelling on people I miss greatly when I know I can't change that fact, it just continually makes me upset and sad. However, I hadn't realized how greatly I miss the group, how much the lack of my sister's presence would effect the way I related to the people I know. I've never missed someone more. Even when SES was out in Afghanistan, I had this secure feeling I would get his time when he had it but its not relative with her. She gives her time to The British Man, as it should be, so I get whatever time I can get, when I can get it but it means that feeling of getting her time is gone.

This coming weekend is Bubbaloo's birthday party, I don't even know who is coming, I just know I've put in a lot of effort and time and I feel wiped of energy. Everyone got sick this week and so I'm trying to do the last of the work for his party while coughing ridiculously. I detest being sick when I have nothing better to do, it's so much worse when I have things I need to get accomplished. Being sick makes me so extremely lazy.

This years theme really is all about rediscovering. I have a friend who I don't talk to often and haven't in some time and there he is, talking to me like not a day has gone by. Since he technically never stopped talking to me, I suppose The Lion doesn't entirely count but Bellingham sure does. It's been years since we spoke and then out of no where, there she is. I've missed her. I hate being one of those people who realizes how much they miss someone only after reconnecting with them. I want to be able to appreciate the people I love and cherish not only while they are in my life but even if they end up not being in it anymore. Maybe this year I will be able to finally discover myself as well, the things I need and want and know myself, if not completely, then at least a bit more than I did before.

It's funny how life works. How people come into or back into your life at just the right moments. How you can find people who make everything seem like it will be okay in the end. Giving me the strength I need to be strong.

More mental fiber in my intellectual diet

I took myself up on my passing thought and sat down and wrote for a bit. I have no idea where this story is going, I didn't plan a single bit of it, not the names or the plot, I just started typing, it sort of just formed itself. I have no idea if I will finish it, I seriously don't even know where it came from. Be forewarned I have done no editing on it and to make matters worse it's ridiculously hard to edit anything that gets copied into the window on here so I'm just going to leave the ugly looking double spaced format as it is.

-

He stared at her through the bottom of the glass, willing himself to swallow the cold liquid that sloshed around inside. Her face was blurred and muddled, swirls of color tinted a slight orange-brown by the ice tea. The ice clinked around, a kaleidoscope of her in the midst of his drink. He closed his eyes and put the glass down onto the table.

She watched him. His movements were slowed and strained, she could see the muscles in his jaw clenching and unclenching even as he sipped from the drink he had been nursing for more than a hour. Their food had arrived awhile ago and though she had eaten, easily polishing off her plate, his sat, growing cold. She continued to watch him, the glass making a soft thud noise as he set it down, as if he had misjudged the table distance and hit it too hard, though she knew it was mostly his nervousness that was causing his abnormal behavior.

“Well?” He opened one eye to her. Maybe, just maybe, he was dreaming. This could all be some elaborate dream, one he concocted to make himself seem more important than he really was. “Hunter, I can understand you being nervous but you need to tell me what you know.”

“I don't know anything.”

“It's overly clear you are lying. So why don't you just tell me?”

“I don't know where to start.”

“The beginning, it's the very best place to start.”

“Hardy har har Julia.”

“At least I didn't break into song.” her small smile pulled at him, made him want to reach out and tell her everything was going to be okay but even he didn't know for sure. Not anymore.

“Julia, do you remember when we first came here?”

“As in the first time ten years ago? Or as in this last trip?”

“The very first time.”

“Of course I do Hunter. We were 15 and this place was beyond magical.”

“Sort of lost its magic, hasn't it.” He looked down at his food and pushed it around with his fork, the mere thought of eating making his stomach turn slightly.

Julia watched him, her expression turning quizzical as he played with the food on his plate. “we are just older, wiser, less inspired than before.”

“Craig wasn't.”

“Craig is a dreamer.”

“Was a dreamer.” he looked up at her, his eyes steadfast and yet saddened. Her eyes widened and she sat back, the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.

“When?”

“This morning.”

“How?”

“They came for him.”

“How did they even find him?”

“I don't know.” She looked around slowly and then back at him

“Are we even safe here?” he continued to watch her and shook his head

“I'm not sure.”

“Then shouldn't we leave?”

“And go where?” he slammed his hand down on the table, his voice filled with rage. Julia was taken aback, he very rarely got so worked up. Hunter always had a calm head. Their group had worked so well because they each contributed to the group in different ways. Craig was the dreamer, Hunter the reasoner, Julia the planner. Between the three of them nothing was impossible. “They're rooting us out Julia, they want every last one of us gone and they are using any means necessary to do it. I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I don't think we can win this, specially not without Craig, specially not when we are stuck in this world. We needed him to get back, and now we are one man short and we don't know how to find the others.”

Julia reached across the table. His hand was shaking almost imperceptible but she had known this man for most of her life, she knew his small intricacies, everything about him was plain as day and she could see his fear, even as he held most of it in. To anyone else he looked angry, upset maybe, his behavior was more of one annoyed than scared beyond reasoning but for him to claim not to know what to do, took more out of him than anything else he could have said. His hand was cold, even though she could clearly begin to see the sweat beginning to form on his forehead, he was beyond scared, something in him had snapped, he had been broken by them somehow. It seemed odd to her that he should be so scared though, while in the presence of friendly company. She looked him over, noticing his odd glances to the side, his slight shifting, the jitteriness of his mannerisms and squinted, her look becoming hard.

“Why are you so nervous?”

“Why aren't you nervous at all?”

“I am but you are freaking out, as if there is more, or you have done something. You didn't become this agitated until you started talking about all this. We've been here a hour, your food is cold and you haven't touched it. The ice in your glass is all but dissolved and leaving a layer of water over the denser ice tea. What gives?” His eyes reddened and the tears he had been holding back poured down his face, even as he struggled to keep his composure, as he wiped at them and gritted his teeth willing them to stop. “Hunter. Hunter stop crying and tell me.”

“I'm sorry Julia. I should have done something. I should have...” his voice broke as his sobs overcame him, his body shaking as he covered his face. She watched him, this man who had always- been the shoulder in the group, always the one with the wisdom, sitting before her sobbing uncontrollably, this, above all else said, made her realize the gravity of the situation.

The front door to the restaurant banging open startled her out of her thoughts. The four men standing by the hostess, dressed as if ready for war, threw her brain into high gear. She grabbed his hand and dragged him from the chair, pulling him along as he stumbled after her, his disorientation slowing them down. She frantically looked around the room, the crashing and yelling behind her pushing her on. She knew better than to look back, it only took a glance to be transfixed, only one look and then all would be lost. She yanked as his hand, urging him with her movement to watch her, to look forward and keep up, to not turn around, she knew better than to speak, to use names, to give them any sort of advantage. She spotted a doorway turned towards it, ducking into it just as the table behind her splintered and cracked, the noise of screams and the heat making her head swirl slightly.

He gasped and went still, his side exploding with pain. Each breath causing pain to shoot through his body, his lungs aching from his inability to take in a full breath. HE climbed up the steps after her, his body feeling weighted and heavy. He slammed his foot into the stair above him and fell forward, pulling her backwards. His knee hit the stair above as he grunted, her body falling back into his. He gritted his teeth and the air making a soft hiss as he sucked in, the air catching in his throat.

Julia looked at him, his side covered in blood, a large splinter jaunting out from just below his ribs on his right hand side. They needed to get outside, materializing inside a building was risky at best, though mostly just seen as suicidal. They looked each other in the eye and he nodded to her slightly and the grabbed his hand again, now wet with blood and pulled him up after her, ignoring each groan and gasp of his pains. She pushed at the door at the top, the noises of men climbing up the stairs after them growing louder, she knew she only had a couple seconds more, there had only been a thirty second difference to begin with. The door stuck and she stepped back and kicked at it, the door shuddering with the force. She looked at Hunter and then down the stairwell, meeting the eyes of the man below. His eyes looked gentle and understanding, she couldn't imagine him being the force that was out to get her.

Hunter pulled on her arm slightly and nodded to the door once she looked back at him.

“One, two..” They kicked together on three, the door jam giving way, the door flying backwards and banging the wall. They moved through the opening, the door slamming back into place behind them. They pulled the necklaces out from under their shirts and touched them together. The door opening and the four men running out, one of the men firing in their direction as they dematerialized.

-

“Shit. Sector Two Commander we lost them. Coming back to base.”

“Roger that.”

Jonathan stood there staring at the spot where the two had once been. There hadn't seemed anything wrong about the two, who wouldn't run if being chased. His instincts told him there was something more to this but he knew better than to question the motives of those in authority.

“They do more harm than good.” The large hand on his shoulder was heavy, weighing on him just as his thoughts did.

“That's what they say, yeah.” Jonathan nodded to his NCO and turned around, making his way down the steps he had just come up. He had looked her in the eyes, she was frightened but there had been something else there, that sort of pleading he had seen in his mothers eyes before he was marched off to do his compulsory duty. The same look. His mother's had haunted him for years without him fully able to grasp why. Her death hit him hard, she had been killed by rebels in the area, without remorse, without compassion, tortured and beaten to death. He had never been able to ask her what those eyes meant and they had haunted him, show up in his dreams, bore into his soul and made him question even those around him and now, here was another, different situation, same eyes, like those of his mother, questioning him, pleading with him, filled with fear and anger and sadness. He clenched his jaw and looked around at the mess the restaurant had become and the owners would be paid for their trouble but he felt guilty none the less.

-

Her head felt muddled and the voices around her seemed far off, as if she was trapped under a heavy blanket. The darkness engulfed her as she struggled to regain a sense of clarity, nothing was making sense. She felt as if her consciousness was slowly clawing its way to the surface, the words were becoming more distinct, she could make out a male, no, two, and a female. They were close to her, standing nearby or right next to her. The cold hand on her forehead frightened her, she was trapped inside her own mind and had no way to defend herself, this was not how she had imagined her last moments might be, barely able to grasp her own situation, at the mercy of whoever was now leaning over her.

“I think she is coming to.” The rustling noise overpowered all the others in the background. She struggled to make sense of it, to open her eyes, to move her limbs. She had to get up, she needed to force herself awake, she wouldn't be taken down like this, helpless.

“Julia I know you are scare but you need to stop struggling with them, you are making it hard for them to operate. Julia, listen, you wont be hurt. Julia, try to understand. I'm right here.” The voice was muffled but she knew it, his smooth deep voice could calm even the most fearful of people, and she relaxed into the darkness that was still around her.

Lost and found

I haven't really been in a writing mood. All the things I've had to say have been negative and I don't like writing when everything out of my mouth is nasty and mean. Reflecting on my own personal anger helped resolve some of it, though most of what makes me upset is external, I needed time to come to terms with the fact that I could do nothing about those issues.

So on to other things. My mother left on an airplane, and though I know when she will be back again, its been nice having the break from her. The whole day after she left, I spent sort of sitting around meditating. This great feeling of relief came over me. It sounds terrible and wrong but without her around most of the external stress I had been feeling is gone. I wake up and want to clean, instead of wanting to stay away in my room hiding.

I recently became a year older. I have no issue with age, getting older is just a natural course, and since I already feel like I am in my late 40's, it feels more like I'm just catching up. However I do not care for the fact that I've gotten next to nothing done with my life, this does bother me, it is something I need to work on. However, I got many gifts, which I did not expect. Between CSI and Brewski I got a good addition to my baking arsenal. CSI got me a stainless steal French rolling pin, a pie bird, and some pie weights. Brewski got me boards for cakes, a frosting tip, a package of silicone baking cups and the movie Coming to America. Besides those, I also got two Kinect games, Your Shape and Dance Central from my Poppi. Oklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma sent me a gift basket filled with chocolate. My grandmother sent me a 25 dollar gift check, so in essence she bought me Castle or Firefly, whichever, and I bought myself the other. Lost and Found bought me a Deadpool magnet, which is awesome. Shyness sent pictures, which was so out of character. I made out like a bandit, I didn't expect such an outpouring of attention and love. It made this birthday highly unexpected. For years its been forgotten, from my family to my ex, it sort of just became another day, it seems weird that now, of all times, it would somehow become prominent again. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, giving me the one thing I need the most, that outpouring of shows of affection that I have felt missing my from life, as if to tell me "nothing is as bad as it seems" or maybe a little more "everything comes full circle" Who knows.

Full circle seems to be the theme of this year so far. So many moments of that happening. Lost and Found being one of the more obvious of these. Many years ago I had a friend and this friend and I lost contact with one another. Time went on and we grew older and I, like a stubborn mule, didn't bother to change my screen name, so a couple weeks ago there was a message for me, and we talked and met. It's strange though, thinking on it, I've known more than a few people for a long time and still haven't met up with them. It's weird then, re-meeting someone after so long, still getting along with them, and then spending some decent quality time with that person. Lost and Found came over for my birthday and stayed a few days, we cooked many good meals and spent funtimes just chatting and enjoying each others company.

Other than that, I found my wallet. It seems mildly comical as to where I found but the fact that it was there at all just confounds me. It was, or so it seems, behind the couch the entire time. However this seems mildly impossible as I looked both behind and under the couch while searching for it and have looked behind the couch many times in the last couple of months since it went missing and have never once seen it there before. It's as if it just magically appeared there for me to find. It was beyond strange and I have come to the conclusion that the couches have worm holes connected to them that take many months for something that falls in on one side to come out of on the other. This, or ghosts, are the only ways to explain it.

Though I am back and it has literally taken me all day to write this little, besides the angry rantings I would have done, I also seem to be having a bit of writers block, as if the words just refuse to come forth. Maybe I should try writing a story, this sometimes help, though all my stories seem to be romance novelesk and that sort of bothers me to some extent.