Thursday, March 31, 2011

The things we miss

This last weekend I had The British Man over for tea. It was a blast, we watched T.V., killed zombies, shot terrorists in the face. It was a nice break from the norm of not having anyone to hang out with but it made me a bit sad too, specially when it was over and I had to take him home. I used to spend a lot of my time with people. My house was always open to visitors. People were constantly walking in and out of my door and there was laughter and funtimes. The British Man, The British Echo, The Programer, The Mezikan are all missed dearly but I find I miss CSI the most, my own personal Scarecrow it seems. I try not dwelling on people I miss greatly when I know I can't change that fact, it just continually makes me upset and sad. However, I hadn't realized how greatly I miss the group, how much the lack of my sister's presence would effect the way I related to the people I know. I've never missed someone more. Even when SES was out in Afghanistan, I had this secure feeling I would get his time when he had it but its not relative with her. She gives her time to The British Man, as it should be, so I get whatever time I can get, when I can get it but it means that feeling of getting her time is gone.

This coming weekend is Bubbaloo's birthday party, I don't even know who is coming, I just know I've put in a lot of effort and time and I feel wiped of energy. Everyone got sick this week and so I'm trying to do the last of the work for his party while coughing ridiculously. I detest being sick when I have nothing better to do, it's so much worse when I have things I need to get accomplished. Being sick makes me so extremely lazy.

This years theme really is all about rediscovering. I have a friend who I don't talk to often and haven't in some time and there he is, talking to me like not a day has gone by. Since he technically never stopped talking to me, I suppose The Lion doesn't entirely count but Bellingham sure does. It's been years since we spoke and then out of no where, there she is. I've missed her. I hate being one of those people who realizes how much they miss someone only after reconnecting with them. I want to be able to appreciate the people I love and cherish not only while they are in my life but even if they end up not being in it anymore. Maybe this year I will be able to finally discover myself as well, the things I need and want and know myself, if not completely, then at least a bit more than I did before.

It's funny how life works. How people come into or back into your life at just the right moments. How you can find people who make everything seem like it will be okay in the end. Giving me the strength I need to be strong.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

More mental fiber in my intellectual diet

I took myself up on my passing thought and sat down and wrote for a bit. I have no idea where this story is going, I didn't plan a single bit of it, not the names or the plot, I just started typing, it sort of just formed itself. I have no idea if I will finish it, I seriously don't even know where it came from. Be forewarned I have done no editing on it and to make matters worse it's ridiculously hard to edit anything that gets copied into the window on here so I'm just going to leave the ugly looking double spaced format as it is.

-

He stared at her through the bottom of the glass, willing himself to swallow the cold liquid that sloshed around inside. Her face was blurred and muddled, swirls of color tinted a slight orange-brown by the ice tea. The ice clinked around, a kaleidoscope of her in the midst of his drink. He closed his eyes and put the glass down onto the table.

She watched him. His movements were slowed and strained, she could see the muscles in his jaw clenching and unclenching even as he sipped from the drink he had been nursing for more than a hour. Their food had arrived awhile ago and though she had eaten, easily polishing off her plate, his sat, growing cold. She continued to watch him, the glass making a soft thud noise as he set it down, as if he had misjudged the table distance and hit it too hard, though she knew it was mostly his nervousness that was causing his abnormal behavior.

“Well?” He opened one eye to her. Maybe, just maybe, he was dreaming. This could all be some elaborate dream, one he concocted to make himself seem more important than he really was. “Hunter, I can understand you being nervous but you need to tell me what you know.”

“I don't know anything.”

“It's overly clear you are lying. So why don't you just tell me?”

“I don't know where to start.”

“The beginning, it's the very best place to start.”

“Hardy har har Julia.”

“At least I didn't break into song.” her small smile pulled at him, made him want to reach out and tell her everything was going to be okay but even he didn't know for sure. Not anymore.

“Julia, do you remember when we first came here?”

“As in the first time ten years ago? Or as in this last trip?”

“The very first time.”

“Of course I do Hunter. We were 15 and this place was beyond magical.”

“Sort of lost its magic, hasn't it.” He looked down at his food and pushed it around with his fork, the mere thought of eating making his stomach turn slightly.

Julia watched him, her expression turning quizzical as he played with the food on his plate. “we are just older, wiser, less inspired than before.”

“Craig wasn't.”

“Craig is a dreamer.”

“Was a dreamer.” he looked up at her, his eyes steadfast and yet saddened. Her eyes widened and she sat back, the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.

“When?”

“This morning.”

“How?”

“They came for him.”

“How did they even find him?”

“I don't know.” She looked around slowly and then back at him

“Are we even safe here?” he continued to watch her and shook his head

“I'm not sure.”

“Then shouldn't we leave?”

“And go where?” he slammed his hand down on the table, his voice filled with rage. Julia was taken aback, he very rarely got so worked up. Hunter always had a calm head. Their group had worked so well because they each contributed to the group in different ways. Craig was the dreamer, Hunter the reasoner, Julia the planner. Between the three of them nothing was impossible. “They're rooting us out Julia, they want every last one of us gone and they are using any means necessary to do it. I don't know where to go or what to do anymore. I don't think we can win this, specially not without Craig, specially not when we are stuck in this world. We needed him to get back, and now we are one man short and we don't know how to find the others.”

Julia reached across the table. His hand was shaking almost imperceptible but she had known this man for most of her life, she knew his small intricacies, everything about him was plain as day and she could see his fear, even as he held most of it in. To anyone else he looked angry, upset maybe, his behavior was more of one annoyed than scared beyond reasoning but for him to claim not to know what to do, took more out of him than anything else he could have said. His hand was cold, even though she could clearly begin to see the sweat beginning to form on his forehead, he was beyond scared, something in him had snapped, he had been broken by them somehow. It seemed odd to her that he should be so scared though, while in the presence of friendly company. She looked him over, noticing his odd glances to the side, his slight shifting, the jitteriness of his mannerisms and squinted, her look becoming hard.

“Why are you so nervous?”

“Why aren't you nervous at all?”

“I am but you are freaking out, as if there is more, or you have done something. You didn't become this agitated until you started talking about all this. We've been here a hour, your food is cold and you haven't touched it. The ice in your glass is all but dissolved and leaving a layer of water over the denser ice tea. What gives?” His eyes reddened and the tears he had been holding back poured down his face, even as he struggled to keep his composure, as he wiped at them and gritted his teeth willing them to stop. “Hunter. Hunter stop crying and tell me.”

“I'm sorry Julia. I should have done something. I should have...” his voice broke as his sobs overcame him, his body shaking as he covered his face. She watched him, this man who had always- been the shoulder in the group, always the one with the wisdom, sitting before her sobbing uncontrollably, this, above all else said, made her realize the gravity of the situation.

The front door to the restaurant banging open startled her out of her thoughts. The four men standing by the hostess, dressed as if ready for war, threw her brain into high gear. She grabbed his hand and dragged him from the chair, pulling him along as he stumbled after her, his disorientation slowing them down. She frantically looked around the room, the crashing and yelling behind her pushing her on. She knew better than to look back, it only took a glance to be transfixed, only one look and then all would be lost. She yanked as his hand, urging him with her movement to watch her, to look forward and keep up, to not turn around, she knew better than to speak, to use names, to give them any sort of advantage. She spotted a doorway turned towards it, ducking into it just as the table behind her splintered and cracked, the noise of screams and the heat making her head swirl slightly.

He gasped and went still, his side exploding with pain. Each breath causing pain to shoot through his body, his lungs aching from his inability to take in a full breath. HE climbed up the steps after her, his body feeling weighted and heavy. He slammed his foot into the stair above him and fell forward, pulling her backwards. His knee hit the stair above as he grunted, her body falling back into his. He gritted his teeth and the air making a soft hiss as he sucked in, the air catching in his throat.

Julia looked at him, his side covered in blood, a large splinter jaunting out from just below his ribs on his right hand side. They needed to get outside, materializing inside a building was risky at best, though mostly just seen as suicidal. They looked each other in the eye and he nodded to her slightly and the grabbed his hand again, now wet with blood and pulled him up after her, ignoring each groan and gasp of his pains. She pushed at the door at the top, the noises of men climbing up the stairs after them growing louder, she knew she only had a couple seconds more, there had only been a thirty second difference to begin with. The door stuck and she stepped back and kicked at it, the door shuddering with the force. She looked at Hunter and then down the stairwell, meeting the eyes of the man below. His eyes looked gentle and understanding, she couldn't imagine him being the force that was out to get her.

Hunter pulled on her arm slightly and nodded to the door once she looked back at him.

“One, two..” They kicked together on three, the door jam giving way, the door flying backwards and banging the wall. They moved through the opening, the door slamming back into place behind them. They pulled the necklaces out from under their shirts and touched them together. The door opening and the four men running out, one of the men firing in their direction as they dematerialized.


-


“Shit. Sector Two Commander we lost them. Coming back to base.”

“Roger that.”

Jonathan stood there staring at the spot where the two had once been. There hadn't seemed anything wrong about the two, who wouldn't run if being chased. His instincts told him there was something more to this but he knew better than to question the motives of those in authority.

“They do more harm than good.” The large hand on his shoulder was heavy, weighing on him just as his thoughts did.

“That's what they say, yeah.” Jonathan nodded to his NCO and turned around, making his way down the steps he had just come up. He had looked her in the eyes, she was frightened but there had been something else there, that sort of pleading he had seen in his mothers eyes before he was marched off to do his compulsory duty. The same look. His mother's had haunted him for years without him fully able to grasp why. Her death hit him hard, she had been killed by rebels in the area, without remorse, without compassion, tortured and beaten to death. He had never been able to ask her what those eyes meant and they had haunted him, show up in his dreams, bore into his soul and made him question even those around him and now, here was another, different situation, same eyes, like those of his mother, questioning him, pleading with him, filled with fear and anger and sadness. He clenched his jaw and looked around at the mess the restaurant had become and the owners would be paid for their trouble but he felt guilty none the less.


-


Her head felt muddled and the voices around her seemed far off, as if she was trapped under a heavy blanket. The darkness engulfed her as she struggled to regain a sense of clarity, nothing was making sense. She felt as if her consciousness was slowly clawing its way to the surface, the words were becoming more distinct, she could make out a male, no, two, and a female. They were close to her, standing nearby or right next to her. The cold hand on her forehead frightened her, she was trapped inside her own mind and had no way to defend herself, this was not how she had imagined her last moments might be, barely able to grasp her own situation, at the mercy of whoever was now leaning over her.

“I think she is coming to.” The rustling noise overpowered all the others in the background. She struggled to make sense of it, to open her eyes, to move her limbs. She had to get up, she needed to force herself awake, she wouldn't be taken down like this, helpless.

“Julia I know you are scare but you need to stop struggling with them, you are making it hard for them to operate. Julia, listen, you wont be hurt. Julia, try to understand. I'm right here.” The voice was muffled but she knew it, his smooth deep voice could calm even the most fearful of people, and she relaxed into the darkness that was still around her.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Lost and found

I haven't really been in a writing mood. All the things I've had to say have been negative and I don't like writing when everything out of my mouth is nasty and mean. Reflecting on my own personal anger helped resolve some of it, though most of what makes me upset is external, I needed time to come to terms with the fact that I could do nothing about those issues.

So on to other things. My mother left on an airplane, and though I know when she will be back again, its been nice having the break from her. The whole day after she left, I spent sort of sitting around meditating. This great feeling of relief came over me. It sounds terrible and wrong but without her around most of the external stress I had been feeling is gone. I wake up and want to clean, instead of wanting to stay away in my room hiding.

I recently became a year older. I have no issue with age, getting older is just a natural course, and since I already feel like I am in my late 40's, it feels more like I'm just catching up. However I do not care for the fact that I've gotten next to nothing done with my life, this does bother me, it is something I need to work on. However, I got many gifts, which I did not expect. Between CSI and Brewski I got a good addition to my baking arsenal. CSI got me a stainless steal French rolling pin, a pie bird, and some pie weights. Brewski got me boards for cakes, a frosting tip, a package of silicone baking cups and the movie Coming to America. Besides those, I also got two Kinect games, Your Shape and Dance Central from my Poppi. Oklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma sent me a gift basket filled with chocolate. My grandmother sent me a 25 dollar gift check, so in essence she bought me Castle or Firefly, whichever, and I bought myself the other. Lost and Found bought me a Deadpool magnet, which is awesome. Shyness sent pictures, which was so out of character. I made out like a bandit, I didn't expect such an outpouring of attention and love. It made this birthday highly unexpected. For years its been forgotten, from my family to my ex, it sort of just became another day, it seems weird that now, of all times, it would somehow become prominent again. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, giving me the one thing I need the most, that outpouring of shows of affection that I have felt missing my from life, as if to tell me "nothing is as bad as it seems" or maybe a little more "everything comes full circle" Who knows.

Full circle seems to be the theme of this year so far. So many moments of that happening. Lost and Found being one of the more obvious of these. Many years ago I had a friend and this friend and I lost contact with one another. Time went on and we grew older and I, like a stubborn mule, didn't bother to change my screen name, so a couple weeks ago there was a message for me, and we talked and met. It's strange though, thinking on it, I've known more than a few people for a long time and still haven't met up with them. It's weird then, re-meeting someone after so long, still getting along with them, and then spending some decent quality time with that person. Lost and Found came over for my birthday and stayed a few days, we cooked many good meals and spent funtimes just chatting and enjoying each others company.

Other than that, I found my wallet. It seems mildly comical as to where I found but the fact that it was there at all just confounds me. It was, or so it seems, behind the couch the entire time. However this seems mildly impossible as I looked both behind and under the couch while searching for it and have looked behind the couch many times in the last couple of months since it went missing and have never once seen it there before. It's as if it just magically appeared there for me to find. It was beyond strange and I have come to the conclusion that the couches have worm holes connected to them that take many months for something that falls in on one side to come out of on the other. This, or ghosts, are the only ways to explain it.

Though I am back and it has literally taken me all day to write this little, besides the angry rantings I would have done, I also seem to be having a bit of writers block, as if the words just refuse to come forth. Maybe I should try writing a story, this sometimes help, though all my stories seem to be romance novelesk and that sort of bothers me to some extent.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Sailor moon revisted

Sometimes its nice to go back and redo pictures one has done before, lets you see the difference in your ability, see if you have grown or become stagnant. I'll let you decide, though it's pretty obvious.

Posted back in 2007:


Posted just a couple moments ago:



I've worked on a couple other things. Have a drawing going for The Art Watcher, did one for Shyness and The Swede and the face one I have yet to finish. I should really get working on them, if nothing else, than to give me a break from the insanity that threatens.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Belated heart greetings

So late Happy Crappy Day tidings. I don't really celebrate this holiday. When you are younger it is so exciting, everyone hands out 1 dollar cards with a picture of some popular at the time character with both your and their names on it, maybe a piece of candy or a sticker, everyone gets one of these generic greetings, everyone feels special and loved and accepted. Then, as you get older, the holiday takes on new meaning, you are taught it's a day for people who care about one another, in a more tender way, to show their affections. It's around this time that one starts to begin to see the differences in the way they are treated vs their peers but it never bothered me. I knew I wasn't one to receive tons of flowers or chocolates, if any, I thought I never would be so I shrugged it off, nothing to worry about when I know the foreseeable future. Then I met SES, all of that changed, I had someone to expect such things from, and yet, I was still left wanting. He often either forgot or didn't bother, I can't say for sure which and so most holidays went without mention. He did remember a few times here or there, like the year he bought me the stand mixer, which I use, almost religiously, to this day. They were few and sporadic and I grew to dislike this particular holiday meant to make one feel loved, since it did nothing more than make me feel loved even less, in fact most holidays and my birthday became less exciting and more mundane, except Christmas, that holiday, though floundering a bit in the last couple years, has never lost its magic for me.

However I am now stuck dealing with two children stuck in the stage where it seems overly special. It's hard mustering up the necessary pep and drive so that I don't crush their joy with my own spiritlessness. I don't want to imbue them with the same jaded bitterness I seem to now possess over such a pointless holiday. So I helped with name writing and taping and putting stickers into little slots and felt my heart dip as they joyously made cards for their daddy which they never got to give him because he didn't come pick them up for their weekend.

I feel so tired, completely drained of all ability to function on a sound emotional level. I need a recharge but I don't think I'll be getting it anytime soon. This is, oddly enough, conducive to my emotastic writing style, so I shall share the results, as well as the drawing for a friends birthday.




Seedy

by ~Katalalyn

We lock ourselves away
dirty, secretive, shameful
the thread of evil that we deny with our actions
yet proclaim with our mouths
has wrapped around our souls
feeding off our inability to break from each other
binding the very essence of our beings,
devouring each other in our explosive passion
even as it twists our once good intentions
creating a well that continually fills as it runs dry


One line makes a whole poem

by ~Katalalyn

when you aren't near
I fret I may miss you
making a fool of mine self
asking others to carry my words of love in your direction
you consume my waking being,
and my longing overwhelms me
stopping my lungs
crushing my voice even as it yearns to break the silence
Every moment feels as if it were a thousand years
my mind clawing through the weight of time to find thee
And yet I dread thee, your presence, a super sped gear turning the clock hands endlessly
the minutes blurred
and within a blink you are gone
lost again to living
and I, tortured by an indescribable heaviness
feeling alone in my despair of passion
sit and wait
procrastinating at regaining myself
willing your return


Addiction

by ~Katalalyn

So sweet and intoxicating
pumping through my veins
driving me to madness
seizing my consciousness
till there is nothing but the void which only you fill
I crave the chains you bind me with
Revel the way you make my body rush and swirl
the dizziness that drains me of all sanity.
How I long for the damage you bring me
Exalting in the damnation of my soul
Come lay beside me
My drug of choice
That conquers all others


Never Real Answers

by ~Katalalyn

tearing away at the scar tissue
constantly keep the wounds from healing
you who devoured my essence
and now proclaims a lingering bitter after taste
you left me in pieces
shattered
scattered
discarded
I have no need to care
knowing I'm lying to myself on the surface of things
It eats at me
carves away my being
And I find that I have no answers of why

Friday, February 11, 2011

Note for future reference

How is it that one can be so deliberately ridiculous? Don't get me wrong, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their blonde moments (no offence meant, though I'm sure some taken) but when every action you take is a serious offence to everyone involved you really need to stop and examine yourself. If someone is constantly having a complaint about your behavior or your lack of action, then maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself. Sometimes situations don't permit certain actions, that is understandable, however when even you can clearly see you are failing, why continue in that course?
I just don't understand him anymore. I'm so angry with him all the time, maybe its clouding my judgement but mostly all I can ask myself is: Was I really so blind to not see all this or did his personality and behavior really just take a pitfall? How can he not see that what he does so clearly affects the kidlets. Sure they are a handful, but they are our handfuls and therefore our responsibility. I shouldn't expect more from him than this and yet its hard to see the complete lack of effort and not hope for more. I don't care what he does in his free time, I'm not concerned about his treatment of me, so long as it doesn't begin to twist the kids, but it confounds me at his complete lack of will to even try.

I don't expect perfection, I'm far from perfect. I'm often failing. I'm only human, emotions aren't completely controllable, I have my limits but I'm still trying, even if poorly, even if I'm coming up short. I'm still stumbling blindly forward. Maybe he is doing the same, maybe I just cant see it, maybe I don't wish to see it because being angry is so much easier or maybe it's time I just admit everyone else can see this situation more clearly than I can right now and listen to their advice.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Lack of luster


I haven't felt like writing at all in the last week. Not that I haven't had something to say or that I haven't done anything, just that I really haven't felt like writing. Even now I'm feeling a bit eh and having trouble getting it all out but it seems ridiculous to not say anything at all.

I've been talking to The British Twins a decent amount. It's nice having someone who misses me enough to seek me out and talk to me. However I've been talking to The Swede and a few others on a vent channel, all from Scandinavia. They are an interesting bunch to talk things over with, though mostly I just listen to them talk to each other in Dutch or Swedish, which is also interesting.

The Swede showed me a picture of himself in which I really liked the shape of his mouth so I wanted to draw it. The problem being that for the last couple of months my tablet hasn't been working. When I upgraded to Windows 7 my Bluetooth stopped working. I have tried troubleshooting the issue a few times but though I can use a computer properly, I'm not the best at fixing them, so I had The Programer do some computer magic and fix my Bluetooth issue. He couldn't seem to get the tablet to work but I ended up doing that myself. So he got me halfway there and I managed the last leg. I then got to draw. I didn't think I had missed drawing with my tablet so much but I seriously couldn't put it down for almost three days straight.


So yesterday was Superbowl Sunday. On Friday The Welcomer asked me if I wanted to come over for her Superbowl party. I seriously have never seen the Superbowl before, I just don't watch sports on TV, it's boring to me. If I'm sitting in the stands then the environment and excitement felt by the fans is infectious and I get into it but mostly I would rather play than watch. However, there was far more talking and enjoying of company than watching. I made truffles for The Welcomer as a hostess gift, as well as bringing deviled eggs and fresh baked bread with olive oil and balsalmic vinegar. I ate so much junk food though, more than I've eaten in a couple months. I felt so fat when I came home. It was fun though, we stayed till the end of Glee, which came on right after the Superbowl. Which was fun to watch with a group of people who also enjoy the show.


I should try to keep up with this even if I'm feeling less than literate because I'm sure there has been more to this week but I've just slowly forgotten.